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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

201 replies

Surpriseobligations · 10/02/2024 13:33

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 10/02/2024 14:16

Dear SIL
We're finalising numbers for OUR wedding . Just double checking you have NO INTENTION of springing a surprise visit on us last minute as this would be fucking rude of you and most unwelcome and stressfu l inconvenient to accommodate you into our carefully made wedding plans. We would love to see you but PLEASE TELL US NOW. Have copied this email to your parents also.

LoveAHamSandwhich · 10/02/2024 14:31

I think you should call her bluff. Plan for her to be there, but don't tell her that you are.

Have a place setting for her, treat her visit as though you are expecting her.

Then when she arrives going "TADAAA!!!!" trying to make it all about her, you can go "Oh hi there SIL, we thought you might come! We've put you here". She will be totally deflated.

If she doesn't turn up, all you've lost is the cost of one meal.

Crackery · 10/02/2024 14:31

Noshowlomo · 10/02/2024 13:48

Hi SIL, just to confirm you’re definitely not coming. I am only checking as I know you love to surprise us, which is normally great, but obviously if you do surprise us for the wedding, you’ll have no place in the cars, no meal ready, no seat at a table, and we don’t want to be asking people last minute to fit any one in, we want a hassle free day as I’m sure you understand. If you are coming we’d love to know now and that would be wonderful, but we totally understand if you can’t as it is a stretch and costs a lot
of money x

This is perfect

Crackery · 10/02/2024 14:33

LoveAHamSandwhich · 10/02/2024 14:31

I think you should call her bluff. Plan for her to be there, but don't tell her that you are.

Have a place setting for her, treat her visit as though you are expecting her.

Then when she arrives going "TADAAA!!!!" trying to make it all about her, you can go "Oh hi there SIL, we thought you might come! We've put you here". She will be totally deflated.

If she doesn't turn up, all you've lost is the cost of one meal.

Also like this!

LoveAHamSandwhich · 10/02/2024 14:33

Just make up the name of a guest as her seat, so your in laws don't suspect. If she doesn't turn up, you can take away the place setting and chair.

MalcolmsMiddle · 10/02/2024 14:38

I think history and backstory aside, YANBU anyway as you can't say you aren't attending a tightly organised wedding then show up.

Purplewarrior · 10/02/2024 14:39

I wouldn’t bother contacting her. If she turns up, don’t turf anyone off the table etc or do anything to accommodate her.

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 14:40

Noshowlomo · 10/02/2024 13:48

Hi SIL, just to confirm you’re definitely not coming. I am only checking as I know you love to surprise us, which is normally great, but obviously if you do surprise us for the wedding, you’ll have no place in the cars, no meal ready, no seat at a table, and we don’t want to be asking people last minute to fit any one in, we want a hassle free day as I’m sure you understand. If you are coming we’d love to know now and that would be wonderful, but we totally understand if you can’t as it is a stretch and costs a lot
of money x

Your husband should do this

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 14:43

LoveAHamSandwhich · 10/02/2024 14:31

I think you should call her bluff. Plan for her to be there, but don't tell her that you are.

Have a place setting for her, treat her visit as though you are expecting her.

Then when she arrives going "TADAAA!!!!" trying to make it all about her, you can go "Oh hi there SIL, we thought you might come! We've put you here". She will be totally deflated.

If she doesn't turn up, all you've lost is the cost of one meal.

Ooh I like this

DownWhichOfLate · 10/02/2024 14:43

Tell her your wedding has been moved forward a month. Then if she turns up to surprise you it won’t actually be at your wedding.

Justleaveitblankthen · 10/02/2024 14:45

.. and there is always a video to accompany this load of old Bollocks?
Who gets their camera out to start recording?
She sounds an absolute knobhead. 🤨

coxesorangepippin · 10/02/2024 14:46

Very entitled of her

coxesorangepippin · 10/02/2024 14:47

Tell her your wedding has been moved forward a month.

^

Brilliant.

Steve and Carole whose wedding it is that weekend can give her the big homecoming instead

MaggieFS · 10/02/2024 14:53

coxesorangepippin · 10/02/2024 14:47

Tell her your wedding has been moved forward a month.

^

Brilliant.

Steve and Carole whose wedding it is that weekend can give her the big homecoming instead

Bloody LOVE THAT idea.

iamveryearlytoday · 10/02/2024 14:57

Noshowlomo · 10/02/2024 13:48

Hi SIL, just to confirm you’re definitely not coming. I am only checking as I know you love to surprise us, which is normally great, but obviously if you do surprise us for the wedding, you’ll have no place in the cars, no meal ready, no seat at a table, and we don’t want to be asking people last minute to fit any one in, we want a hassle free day as I’m sure you understand. If you are coming we’d love to know now and that would be wonderful, but we totally understand if you can’t as it is a stretch and costs a lot
of money x

This is great - to the point, not rude, and absolutely no room for interpretation. Copy and paste!

BillionaireTea · 10/02/2024 15:09

I'd do the option of assuming she will be there and discreetly having an extra place setting. There's a lot of life still to live and in laws are the very definition of the long game. You want to be as flexible as possible around people and their foibles, even when they are pretty annoying.

I would say to PIL in a matter of fact way that there's no problem if she isn't coming, but if they know she's coming (and oh yes it would be lovely to see her, etc) would they please steer her away from a grand entrance - as you want to give HER a little surprise for a change, and you've got a place ready for her! So she can just slip in and be a normal guest - you're sure she wouldn't want to draw attention on your big day.

Later, if I was your DH, I'd say to my mum I was curious how they didn't want to contribute financially to the wedding but did pay for flights - does that mean if she gets married, they'll fly him over to see her??

BargainOffer · 10/02/2024 15:33

ILoveMyCatButHesAPervert · 10/02/2024 13:58

Absolutely do not include "...which is normally great". Because it isn't, and there's no need to pander to her.

Totally agree. Gushing hypocrisy is not what this woman needs.

Foxblue · 10/02/2024 15:36

Noshowlomo · 10/02/2024 13:48

Hi SIL, just to confirm you’re definitely not coming. I am only checking as I know you love to surprise us, which is normally great, but obviously if you do surprise us for the wedding, you’ll have no place in the cars, no meal ready, no seat at a table, and we don’t want to be asking people last minute to fit any one in, we want a hassle free day as I’m sure you understand. If you are coming we’d love to know now and that would be wonderful, but we totally understand if you can’t as it is a stretch and costs a lot
of money x

This is perfect! Really lovely but getting the point across

Teapot13 · 10/02/2024 15:38

I wouldn’t even categorize this as a surprise. She’s attending an event she was invited to; she just lied about whether she was going to come.

Februaryismyfavourite · 10/02/2024 15:42

I think @LoveAHamSandwhich has the best plan.

My first thought was to email her and PIL (so you have clear proof) and say she needs to say now if she's coming or there won't be a space/meal etc. And the if she turns up anyway wash your hands of it as you were clear. But I appreciate I wouldn't have wanted my wedding day marred by upset inlaws (however unreasonable it might be) so I think the suggestion of planning for her anyway is brilliant.

Covers all bases, you can stop worrying and might even the extra little satisfaction of taking the wind out of her sails!

Maray1967 · 10/02/2024 15:46

LoveAHamSandwhich · 10/02/2024 14:31

I think you should call her bluff. Plan for her to be there, but don't tell her that you are.

Have a place setting for her, treat her visit as though you are expecting her.

Then when she arrives going "TADAAA!!!!" trying to make it all about her, you can go "Oh hi there SIL, we thought you might come! We've put you here". She will be totally deflated.

If she doesn't turn up, all you've lost is the cost of one meal.

I would do this to save any hassle. The staff can remove the place setting if she doesn’t turn up. And yes, it will cancel her big surprise. Great suggestion.

NoOrdinaryMorning · 10/02/2024 15:53

Yep, I'm with the suggestion of telling her that the wedding has been brought forward a month. I would ask PIL if they know anything about her surprising you. If they don't then you can tell them that you're pretending to bring the wedding forward in case SIL is planning a surprise, so that you still get to see her and the (actual) wedding doesn't get spoilt

pikkumyy77 · 10/02/2024 15:56

Crackery · 10/02/2024 14:33

Also like this!

Show quote history

Im with this approach.

I would call her up and tell her she is included and what the expectations are. When she says “I’d never dream of surprising you” just say “oh you always say that! We have told everyone you are coming! PIL will bring you. We’ve squeezed you in with some people we are pretty sure you will like. See you on the day! Bye now!” Remember: no matter how she protests just keep saying “oh you! Of course you are coming!”

If she isn’t a surprise then no one makes a fuss over her and I doubt she will come. If she does just remind her that she is PIL problem.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 10/02/2024 15:57

Oh I feel for you OP. I have a sister who lives in NZ too and will announce in November that she's coming for Christmas.
One time her flight landed on Christmas day.

I'd ask her as wanting to be in on her surprising DH but on also not wanting her to feel like an extra on the day.

Good luck.

Monwmum · 10/02/2024 16:05

Ugh! How old is she?? She sounds like she wants to be the main character in her own movie all the time. I really couldn't be doing with that! It would make everything all about her all the time and is pretty selfish.

For a wedding even more so, though! She must understand that you need everything finalised? I would just say that you know she likes to surprise everyone etc but in this instance it simply is NOT possible so she MUST tell you if she is intending to come.