To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

As a planner and someone who hates suprises this would be one of my worst nightmares. Id be very blunt but that's how I am

Id say. Please do not suprise me and tell me properly if you are coming or not as there will not be a seat for you and it will put a lot of stress on me on the most special day of my life so do not make it all about you and turning up to suprise the family it will not be a pleasant suprise it will alarm me as i will have to rearrange everything, it will be very nice to have advanced notice and would love to have you here if you do let me know you are coming thank you!. That's what i would say.

If your SIL was coming from Australia I'd say that we must be related! My sibling's partner does this, has a cousin or something videoing the event, and then the surprise/tears/whatever when long lost Suzie from Oz comes through the door and shouts 'surprise'! It totally takes the focus away from whoever's event it actually is, and is plain inconsiderate.
I agree, assume she is coming and play her at her own game. Have the meal for her booked, seat in the front row etc.

I like the idea of prepping for her to come just in case. She sounds so self assured that EVERYONE must LOVVVE her "surprise" visits and some of the family may do. Even if you said something to the affect of "please don't turn up as a surprise" she might, which would a) steal attention off you, b) be an organisational nightmare. Even though you might like to say to her "oh hi, you can be at the service, and the dancing, but not at the meal as they'll be no place or food for you, I think that would a) be quite hard to do as she is family b) might start a riot if other family members think her surprise visits are "cute"! If you prep for her to come you win all ways round - if she really doesn't then you might lose a cost of a meal, and have a spare seat a one table, but you wouldn't worry about that if a guest had woken up poorly and cancelled, so you don't really have to worry about it with your SIL. If she does turn up, there is no stress because you are ready for her, and her "make it all about me" moment is gone, because you've already happily fitted her into your plans, so no extra planning is required.

Or when she turns up there's no room, no meal, no transport: tough. "See ya later luv, we're off to get married, shoulda told us you were coming. Don't wait up!"

Solution - if she turns up due to it being a surprise just say oh you've surprised us, typically we will have to surprise you by reminding you we are getting married and you said you werent coming.

Or have a plan b and if she does turn up, tell her you knew she'd surprise you so it's not a surprise, she's sat with....at the wedding as you know she will enjoy catching up with them.

My best friend’s sister is like this. Totally babied and adored by the parents and it elicits eye rolls from the whole extended family. It’s hilarious as she’s completely mental and will try to steal focus any way possible at anyone else’s event. At my wedding she had two costume changes 😂

SURPRISE

Oh hi SIL, I like your frock.

SURPRISE

Not really, you're quite predictable.

SURPRISE

Please excuse me, I'm just going to say hello to aunty Mary.

Must be more of them than we think, because my uncle and aunt are like this. I don't know whether they'd turn up for a surprise at someone's wedding, but they did turn up for a surprise visit once which was in the middle of the week, and because I'd had no notice, I hadn't booked annual leave and it was too late by the time they turned up, so they had to entertain themselves that week.

They can't understand any reaction other than being genuinely excited about a surprise visit, to the point of getting angry if I express any other reaction, saying I should welcome the visit - they don't stop to think about the possibility that there might be some reason it's not convenient, they wouldn't necessarily know if I had something else planned. If it ever came up, I wouldn't be happy to cancel on anyone else just because they'd invited themselves, in fact I'd feel a bit irritated if my plans were just Netflix although I'd go along with the visit if it was that.

And don't even get me started on the faff that is actually making plans with these people...

Planning on her being there anyway and catering for her might be the easiest way. I admit my first thought was to talk to her parents and try and head it off at the pass, but if she's already started making plans she might well choose to still come anyway (another thing my ones would do!)

It would be pretty crappy of the venue if they went along with that! While we know it's the SIL, the venue wouldn't have any way of being sure who that was, that could be anyone contacting and claiming to be sister of the groom. Any venue with any sense would shut that shit down.

This! I was thinking the same.

I be very clear with the PUL's that you will not be moving things around (make sure your fiancé is on the same page) and that IF there is space at the wedding, it will be wherever you can manage- others will not be inconvenienced- and stick to that. That she will need her own transport- you will not be adjusting anything. A surprise is great, if that's your thing but this is something that needs planning, and if she appears she's not part of the planning

Imagine if she jumps out of your cake when you go to cut it?!

Frankly, that’s up there with someone else proposing or announcing their pregnancy at a wedding. Tacky AF.

I'd say there is a 90% certainty she will be there, esp. as the parents are probably paying for Princess.
This is a time when your H needs to park his balls on the table & confront his parents.
Saying, "If you are financing Princess's Tx, or are aware she is going to "surprise" us, then you ALL need to know that its an UNWELCOME surprise, it will fuck up our travel, meal & plans. I am not re-jigging table plans, squashing her onto the family table, or panicking last minute as there is no room in the car, time for her hair dresser,
I will not entertain her fucking up my day
We have spent a fortune on OUR SPECIAL DAY
I DO NOT WANT HER RUINING IT,

She has form for this, encouraged & condoned by You.
You need to head this off at the pass & tell her not to deliberately hijack our day"

SURELY no one is dumb enough to turn up to a wedding as a 'surprise' and expect to be accommodated? That is just insane.

Do not move anything around further her if she turns up out of the blue.

I like the idea of catering for her anyway. Yes you have to pay for an extra meal but you get to control the situation. You don’t have to worry about sending and wording txts, second guessing plans etc and you can concentrate on your wedding. No drama. It’s great she lives a distance away in NZ! She can’t really stay with you after the wedding as hopefully you’re on honeymoon, and I would be very unavailable during this time saying we didn’t know you were coming and have made other plans.

its not great that your PIL are willing to pay for this expensive trip but haven’t given you anything. Of course it’s their money but making differences between their children will lead to resentment over time.

Thinking about this aspect that I posted about overnight. I think you need to make it known far and wide that you're aware this is a possibility, take the wind out of her sails.

Every time someone asks you how the wedding planning is going, answer "oh pretty well! Just a bit tricky with numbers - Jane insists she's not coming, but you know what she's like, she loves her "surprises"! So just trying to decide whether to include her in the numbers and suck up the cost of her meal if she really isn't coming, or leave her off and then scramble last minute when she totally unexpectedly shows up! Leaning towards A, B would be such a pain. Shame she won't just tell us straight, but oh well, you know how these things are!"

Every time, far and wide.

Oh my! Costume changes WTF??? 😂😂😂

Also, make sure you tell the staff at the wedding venue that if some attention seeker turns up late, they are not to flap around trying to find a meal / space / chair etc for her but simply echo your stance which is you can’t accommodate a visitor who turns up unexpectedly and isn’t on the list. She’ll make it stressful for them too otherwise, the idiot.

She's 'completely mental'? 🙄

Hi best friend’s sister! 😂

Great idea ColleenD

Have it common knowledge you sort of expect her, and the uncertainty is a needless stress. Once that gets back to her, and once the family realise its not all a glittery soap opera moment, it might spur SIL into honesty. Or at least let others see the selfishness of this 'amazing surprise'.

Pandering in laws sound weak, or maybe just delighted to see daughter in real life, which I suppose is understandable. At least you're aware before the marriage and can going with clear eyes.

She obviously has her own issues if this is how she operates, but that's for her to work on. It must give her a boost, and if she's down in the dumps, and brother is settling down, then she will 100% need a boost.

So I think I feel sorry for everyone. But at least you will have your lovely day and lots of cake to look forward to.

Make sure she and the PIL realise it won't be 'oh how amazing. SIL came !!!!' It will be 'ffs we told her not to do this as we needed numbers to cater. She's just created a logistical nightmare'.

Maybe phrase it another way with PILs and SIL
"SIL/PILs we would absolutely love it if SIL/you can make it to our wedding, it would be so great to have her/you there for our special day.

Because of the way the pre ordering of the meals and the table seating takes place, we absolutely need to know by x date if SIL/you is/are coming so she/you can have the meal and we can make sure she/you have a proper place at a table, transport to the venue etc.

If you/she doesn't confirm we will assume you/she isn't coming and therefore there will be no meal/table place/transport.

We really hope to see you/her there, but on this occasion a surprise turn up absolutely won't work for us."

Just tell her your "sorry she can't attend but appreciate her letting you know so you can finalise your arrangements, there would be nothing worse than her trying to surprise you and cause lots of stress on your big day . So your glad she's been honest with you now "