To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

Elope and don't tell pil til the night before where the wedding so sil won't find out

I think it would be a good idea to speak to her and your in laws and explain that as much as you’ve enjoyed the surprises in the past, this isn’t a time for a surprise. Share the amount of effort you’re putting into your wedding and explain the stress it would put upon you both if she just randomly showed up. Also highlight the cost of changing things very last minute.
She might think it’s a lovely idea but a wedding isn’t the time to do it.

I'd just tell her there's been a change of venue and send her on a wild goose chase.

I'd plan as if she's coming.
Her face will be a picture when her 'suprise' doesn't cause a ruffle and no special arrangements need to be made for her.

If there was a chance my sil would show up as a surprise I'd invite her ex husband and new wife to have the top trump surprise card because I'm a horrid fucker at times 😂

Even if there's a seat there'll be a fuss though. PIL presumably delighted, aunts and uncles overjoyed, telling her how good she is etc.

I prefer the idea of planning for her - on the table planning, get her a meal, include in transport. It will take the wind completely out of her sails especially when she sees she is in the table plan. Because in all honesty it sounds like she will come.

My mother would absolutely love this, she'd be wrestling a bit of control back from DH & I. What fun! A secret! Darling come all that way, amazing.

She'd be absolutely making space, offering to loudly give up her seat, total martyr.
No advice, I did love my wedding day but only because my in-laws & friends were so lovely. my own family were a total pain, the candid photos are amazing - all sulky. But front & central for the formal ones.
Best wishes!

I agree with that.

Also if you turn up to a wedding you have rsvped 'no' to you can't expect any food drink or transport to have been organized so that's on her.

Just ignore it op.

Ps it seems a bit mean that you find her surprises so annoying and boring. You don't love her but your husbands family do so leave that alone and with them. If it truly does inconvenience parents in law it's on them to ask for more notice next time.

Bit unkind to SIL

Also, your brother would probably love the surprise of his sister being there. It's a nice thing. You sound a bit jealous of how loved she is in the family tbh

How is SIL entitled when she hasn't even done this? Op just thinks she might?

'Dear sil, I'm submitting final wedding numbers on x day, your last surprise visit sprang to mind and I'm just triple checking that you're not planning one of these. If you did turn up unexpectedly there'd be no
Transport
Food
Accommodation
Etc
So please let us know. Thanks'

From the sounds of it I wouldn’t put it past her to be brought out at the wedding reception as a big reveal surprise - which is incredibly crass. Speak to both SIL and PIL and make it very clear how she is welcome but no surprises will be accommodated as it is your wedding and should be about the 2 of you.

How unkind , how would you feel being on the receiving end of those? If she isn't planning to attend she would feel like she's just been insulted for all her previous surprising which she would have thought made people happy. If she was planning on surprising them how unwelcome would she feel. IF op liked her at all it would be a happy surprise.

I'm not surprised

@Lifesd From the sounds of it I wouldn’t put it past her to be brought out at the wedding reception as a big reveal surprise
I'm now imagining her leaping out of the cake. 😂

I can see you have strong feelings on this, given the number of your responses, but honestly in a nutshell you have answered your own point “If she was planning on surprising them how unwelcome would she feel.”

Well yes. Quite. She is unwelcome to do that.

Once may be spontaneous and a genuinely lovely surprise (or not). More than once is a childish bid for attention which is exactly what the OP is asking for advice to avoid.

This

It was always a bit too 'planned'. Arrive later than everyone else, lot's of shouting and OTT squealing and telling everyone how far they'd come. And the hide of rhino's. They'd done it to us previously and I'd made a point of saying that they hadn't replied to the invitation and was told very loudly "But we thought it would be such a fantastic surprise!'
You thought wrong love.

I agree with this. Reading your post op has me filled with anxiety so I can only imagine how you're feeling!

It does sound like she will turn up, and even if you tell her that you need final numbers ect she might still play along that she's not coming and turn up, and she may also call ahead and let the venue know they need to cater for one more and explain about the 'wonderful surprise' she is planning.

I would do what the pp has said, and I would also speak to the venue and explain the situation and just say could they let you know if PIL/SIL get in touch with them to let them know there is one more coming, could they give you the heads up

Also when is your wedding?

Please update us with what happens - this is going to live in my head rent free until I find out if she turned up.

🤣

Very egocentric behaviour. I would absolutely stress to PIL that if SIL is to pull this kind of stunt yet again, she won’t be accommodated for at the wedding.