To worry that SIL is planning a surprise visit?

[Surpriseobligations]

My sil lives in New Zealand . In the last 10 years she's made a few visits back to the UK.

2 of them have been surprises. One from her parents who were then expected to host her for the two weeks she was home, and the other from us as siblings. To be fair she normally tells someone in the family eg the PILs if she's surprising us or us if she's surprising the PILs. It creates lovely videos but is a PITA from my biased point of view.

I suspect she might do this for mine and Dps wedding that's upcoming . She says she can't come, but I'm worried she will randomly turn up as a surprise. I've tried to be clear that we are submitting final numbers, share pictures of us making place names for example.

I'm slightly concerned she will turn up, we won't have room in transport to venue, she won't have a place setting, won't fit on the right table for the table plan so we will have to chuck someone off the table and ask the venue for last min meals etc and it will be cause of stress on the day.

Is it okay to outright say to her that we don't want any surprises and she has to tell us now? How would we word that? She's having a bad time emotionally right now so don't want to make her feel bad.

Is it better to speak to PILs to explain to them we really don't want to add people last min

Is it a it bride zila to worry about a table plan?

un needed back story but explains why I'm annoyed at the idea

A slight back story is that she winds me up a lot just in general.When this happens the important people often have plans. Eg last time it was tricky as we were going to a family wedding that weekend then back at work (not local to PIL where she stays). People end up asking for emergency annual leave etc. She's very "my sister has just returned after years I'm sure your boss will understand" even when explicitly told we can't pick you up on that date because she's changed the dates

She's very babied by inlaws so I'd be surprised if they don't pay her flights etc as they contribute a lot financially to her to facilitate these trips and she frequently lends money. This is a bug bear a PIL never offer us any financial support and haven't contributed to wedding (they are buying DPs shoes only which are just from and regular higstreet shop). I'm completely fine with that because I don't view it as their job but will be annoyed if they spend thousands on getting her over here.

I'll also be annoyed if part of the wedding is taken up by her surprise appearance, previously its been for birthday parties etc so the focus becomes a bit on the wonderful daughter returning rather than the event.

I can see how much you're fretting over this, you've had good advice about pretending she's expected and having a chair ready ... however just one little bit of spite you could employ ... tell the wedding photographer that you don't want this woman in any of the photographs!

I knew I’d be in the minority but I just think it’s great she makes the effort, and nowadays surprises are so few and far between (I would KILL for a relative or friend to just turn up, nobody does, there’s always a big organisation thing to see anyone). I’d say your in laws and dp love it (maybe secretly!) I don’t think it’s bridezilla of you, but I don’t think it needs to be a huge deal either, allowances can be made, must be tough for her living the other side of the world!

I don’t know how involved your DH is in plans and how much he’d notice an extra person added to various lists (mine wouldn’t have!) but could you message her asking her if she’s coming directly (wording as per PP) but not tell DH if she is? That way, you can get things organised and she still gets to surprise DH?

Just accept her non-attendance RSVP at face value. Then you and DH quietly plan for her to be there. (Don't involve PILs.) No muss, no fuss, no drama.

Months of peace of mind for you, at the price of one meal!

Yeah this.

Definitely agree with those saying message her directly.
I wouldn't be paying for a guest meal you may not require.

This is your wedding. It's fricking rude if she turns up unannounced and makes the day about her.

I would text her as pp's said and stress that you need to submit final numbers. If she does want to come you will keep it a surprise from the rest of the family

You most definitely are in the minority!

Either.

1. You ask her to NOT surprise you as its a fucking pain in the neck, you will have enough to do on YOUR special day without her creating havoc

Or 2.
Say she will not be catered for if she decides to come as a Surprise, her surprises are not fun, they are inconvenient & life is complicated enough

I like the PP who said to plan like she's coming: reserve a place, order her a meal, have a table assignment ready for her. If she doesn't 'magically' appear, you're out the cost of a meal, no biggie.

Hold the place under a silly name to hide what you're doing from her parents if you mush, aka 'Susie Surprise', so you don't have to engage in conversation about it.

She can book a hotel and order an uber if she appears; don't contort offering her rides or a place to stay.

I wouldn't be ordering a meal, generally someone drops out at the last minute anyway

Save her a seat at the children’s table …

Fine if people can afford to accommodate her.
Like OP said, they don't live close to the PIL so it's having to factor in travelling to see her, changing calendars etc.

With my DS, it's 4 households that get affected.
Whoever she's staying with suddenly has to buy extra food and make plans to include her as oh, I'm easy, I'll slot in to whatever you guys are doing.
Because of distance, NZ to UK, t's always for a minimum of 2 weeks. ....

Things are tight as it is with people cutting down or going without. To have an extra mouth to feed for two weeks is selfish as she also doesn't contribute as she probably feels she's spent enough on the flight.
Just sees it as doing everyone a favour by gracing us with her presence.

She did this to my DB when they had a young child and had taken time off work to spend their first Christmas as a newly family of three, then suprise!!! and stayed for 2 1/2 weeks.
Then msgd me to say how bored she was.

A surprise if fine if it benefits all involved, not when it leaves people short on funds, stressed, feeling bad etc.

A friend whom you thought couldn't come to your birthday dinner turning up for the evening is lovely, but for Christmas or a wedding, no thanks.

And yet another MNnetter who can't just state what she wants. "We don't want any surprises and you have to tell us now. It's our day and we don't want anyone else stealing the limelight. ".

I have a SIL who did this. Would turn up with DH and 3 x DC so 5 meals had to be found and all the attention was on them and not the person we were intending to celebrate.
Final straw was when she intended to do it again at DS's birthday party. I just called her and asked her outright if she was intending to surprise us. She was a bit caught off guard and said yes, to which I replied "Well I'm glad I asked as its DS's day so he's the focus. Now I can tell everyone you'll be there." She didn't show up.

I don't think you understand the psychology of people who like to repeatedly spring big "surprises". The more she thinks that the OP think she isn't coming, the more fun for her when she inevitably does.

I agree, although ideally get the PIL to pay for her space at the wedding. Tell PIL that the alternative would be that she is turned away at the door and you are sure they don't want that.

Or space on the children's table.

I was leaning towards saying to just relax and not worry about sorting it out if she does magically materialise, but thinking about it more (particularly making herself the focus of all attention), YANBU.

I'd have your fiance speak to his parents about it, making it clear that it's up to them to sort everything out for her, if it turns out she does show up unexpectedly.

And, as a PP said, in laws are a long-term game. Telling the SIL how to behave, involving PILs, multiple Whatsapps - all this drama and upset can be avoided.

Also, OP gets to get one over her SIL, and SIL can't complain about it 😉

Many years ago when my children were under ten (age, not amount) I had fabulous friends, a married couple who had no children and didn't want any, who loved to turn up to stay by surprise (we live in different countries). This was a huge bummer for me because had I known they were coming, I would have arranged childcare for the children so I could properly catch up with my friends. I put my foot down and they respected that. No more surprises, still friends. But my friends aren't narcissists. SIL sounds like a massive pain the arse.

I've read this three times and still don't get it?

@Keeponkeepingonplease she didn’t show up? Poor effort from your sons aunty! How has she been since ?

SIL is becoming a massive arse-ache with her "surprises" that end up putting people out. SIL expects (OL suspects) to turn up to OP's wedding and make it all about her. "BIG SURPRISE! I'M HERE!" OP then gets to say "Oh hi SIL, yes we thought you might surprise us, you're on this table with the workmates we aren't that fond of". SIL has been put in her place (literally!) but can't complain. And no drama has been had.

Genius lol

I honestly can't remember the last time we saw her! Suits us just fine.