Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

I would maybe confront friend in the lying. It is OK the girls are not close or one chooses not to maintain the friendship. That is life. But your BF to lie to you is not ok. What would be the reason. Are you reasonable person or so you fly off the handle and she doesn't want to cause a fight.

In any case. It is up to your daughter who she may want to invest her time into.

my children are in high school now but this will happen more and more - it’s not that the other girl doesn’t like your daughter - she is understandably proritising her school friends. It’s hard for kids when they get to a certain age work out how to integrate different groups of friends.
the girls might get on but the reality is you are taking them on holidays together - do they have a choice not to?

Try not to take it personally. (I know, easier said than done).

I always remember when I was a similar age 7/8, my mum had a close friend who had a daughter in the same class as me.
My mum insisted on inviting her friend's daughter round for tea (she was desperate for me to be friends with this girl as she and her mum were so close).
In reality I had nothing in common with this girl. We had completely different groups of friends and hardly spoke to each other.
When she came for tea, both of us just sat in awkward silence, not knowing what to do or how to talk to one another.

I understand why you are upset, but I think they probably felt your daughter would feel left out in a party where every other child is a class mate, and equally the birthday girl would not want to feel she had to take care of your daughter all afternoon. In this situation, I would offer to meet the friend and her DD for a special treaty birthday lunch.

OP said her DD has SEN, does that make it more likely she wouldn't be comfortable with a lot of strangers?

By that age they want their school friends at parties unfortunately.

I doubt it is meant as a deliberate slight.

But if she is such a good friend, why are you posting here instead of just having a conversation?

Agree with most of this but why the necessity to separate anybody if part of a friendship. It strikes me as controlling behaviour 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

At that age my kids didn’t want to mix their social groups. Their parties were school friends only because they didn’t want to have to do the work of looking after one friend who didn’t know anyone or of flitting between two separate social groups. Didn’t mean they didn’t like their other friends, just that it didn’t create the vibe they wanted at their party and would take the shine off their enjoyment.

As they got older they’ve developed the skills to mix friends better, but there are still a few friends they wouldn’t invite to join a group of other friends who already know each other well because the one friend will not mix and will spend the whole time clinging to them. Doesn’t mean they don’t like them, just that they recognise some limits of that particular friend and don’t want to sacrifice their other relationships for them.

To the posters saying if your child is not 'part of
'the group' they will feel left out, give your heads a wobble. This attitude is exactly what causes exclusion & ultimately bullying😠

It's because they don't go to the same school so she doesn't know the schoolfriends and is unlikely to see them again

A child's party is not the best place for getting to know other kids

OP a lot of people have spent a lot of time providing some excellent advice from their own experiences. Please take it on board. This isn’t personal about you and shouldn’t interfere with your close friendship with your friend. Yes the girls get along really well when you are all together which is great. But your friend’s daughter just wants school friends at her party which is completely normal at this age. I bet your friend felt v awkward about the situation but quite rightly wants to put her own daughter’s wishes first. Don’t take the hump and make things awkward between you, you’ve been friends too. Take them both out for a birthday lunch or do something both kids will enjoy, bring a gift. Life’s too short. Might be an idea to widen your own snd daughter’s circle with new clubs, activities too.

Agree with most of this but why the necessity to separate anybody if part of a friendship. It strikes me as controlling behaviour 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I don't really know what you mean by this but I think what the poster means is it's healthy and normal to have different groups of friends. Friends from school, friends from netball, family friends.

The OP's dd isn't part of the school friendship group.

Not necessarily. Not all SEN results in social discomfort. Many children with SEN are very friendly and sociable. The OP's DD attended the friend's party last year (albeit as a place filler) so had there been issues, then I'm sure the OP wouldn't be wanting her daughter to attend this year's event nor would she be upset at the lack of an invite.

But it does not appear that additional needs are the reason for her not being invited in this case. It honestly just looks like the kid is having a party of her school friends. OP seems to think that her friends daughter would expect an invite to her daughter's birthday and suggests that she would be devastated if she didn't get one. I very much doubt that this is the case. The other kid probably wouldn't want to be at a party as the only person that dosen't know anyone else. The OP seems to be unable to separate her friendships from her daughters.

Please just stop this it's because OPs child is not a 'school friend' absolute rubbish

Why is it rubbish?

Ultimately as hard as it maybe to accept you have to accept it OP. By saying or doing anything at all here you risk jeopardising your friendship permanently.

No SEN but my DD always got invited to a girl across the roads party. They weren’t particularly close nor were we but we were always pleasant to one another. Her DD was extremely quiet and had very few friends so from about age 3 or 4 DD always got invited to the little girls birthday in Oct. So we felt obligated to reciprocate the invite for DD’s birthday later in the year. Attending the parties was nice at first but gradually become more awkward around age 7 / 8. I was relieved one year around age 8 / 9 when DD was no longer invited anymore so we didn’t have to reciprocate. Kids grow up and often grow apart and change friendship groups.

But if the girls see each other 2 out of every 4 weekends and go on the same holidays, they have plenty of time together. Maybe she just wanted her school friends so she could focus on them, rather than having to entertain / look after the one who knew no one else? A party with lots of children is a very different social experience from extended time one on one- latter better in my view.

Beware though of expecting them to always be friends. My dd's best friend for the past few years (late teens now) is family friends with another girl their age - their two families have been on holiday together several times and socialise a lot. The other girl is very possibly ND (I've known her since she was 3 and suspected it long ago) and her brother has had an ASD diagnosis since he was a toddler. She used to be friends with my dd but violently took against her when it was clear the friend and dd had become really close. Her father kind of blamed dd for it and the girl decided dd was leading a group of girls in 'bullying' her. However, the truth is they grew up to have more in common with each other and the other girl didn't know how to be part of a group. No one's fault but the best friend can't be expected to continue being friends with this girl anymore. (She tolerates her for family get togethers).

Why do people have to stop making a point because you disagree with it?

And why is it rubbish?

I don't think it's very kind of you to tell other posters that their point of view are absolute rubbish.

Why do you think the OP's dd isn't invited?

And where do you draw the line with party numbers? There has to be some limit.

It sounds like it's a school class party. Therefore your DD might get ignored as nobody will know her except your friend's DD.
If they were in the same small primary school then yeah maybe, as sometimes different classes mix.

When I've invited non-school friends to a mainly school friends party, it's been quite stressful trying to make the non-school friend isn't lonely or bored. The party kid can get a bit stressed (unconsciously) trying to keep everyone happy. It's often easier to keep parties to school only and do something separate with other friends. I wouldn't read too much into it.

So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties?

I think class parties tend to be just that as then the children know each other. Celebrations can be done another time with a bestie in a different class or school.

I don’t see anything wrong with what has happened and don’t think your child having sen has anything to do with it.

Your daughter wouldn’t know any of the other kids and may have felt a bit left out though

I think you might be thinking the other girl loves going to your daughter’s parties because she always did when they were little.
In the last year or two, the other girl will have become more socially aware and will want to just have school friends at her party.
Its ok that your daughter isn’t invited but it’s not ok for the other child’s mother to lie to you. I think she’s not the friend you think she is.

We tend to have a rule where we don’t mix school and non school friends. Because it’s not fair on the non school friend who knows nobody bar the birthday child. Unless it was a groups of children so say football club and school but we wouldn’t invite one lone child to a party where they would be confronted with 29 children they don’t know.

your not unreasonable to wonder why the lie though, unless maybe deep down you know your friend knows you’d react badly.

Also maybe despite getting along perfectly fine the other child feels they spend enough time with your daughter and want a little distance.