Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

You’re being sensitive. Her daughter is at an age where school friends are clicky and she would feel pressure to invite all class mates which is expensive enough. Inviting your daughter who wouldn’t know anyone but the birthday girl is just putting pressure on her child. Just because you two are best friends doesn’t mean you need to force your children to be.

I just couldn’t get upset about this. There’s a massive difference between a whole reception class party and slightly more select party aged 8. Things will evolve further over the years, eventually it will be a small group of three of five kids.

So you and people with your opinion think its ok to exclude children who 'dont know' the majority. If this isn't a dredful life lesson I dont know what is. Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of
'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

If it was just that her daughter simply didn't want to invite my daughter.. thats absolutely ok, but why not just say that to me? Instead I'm sat here thinking what have we done wrong
This whole thread it probably why she could not say that to you.
The idea that you're so focused on what 'you' might have done wrong rather than listening to advice and understanding that it changes around this age. It just does, no matter whether you insist you would never ever allow your daughter to pick her own party invitees.
A school friends party is for school friends and that is perfectly ok. Your dd is not part of that group. The burden of ensuring everyone gets along ok and your dd doesn't feel out of place when everyone else knows each other would fall to the birthday girl. It would change the whole vibe of the party, not fair to the one whose celebration it is and one reason groups tend to start separating at this age. I mean, I find the whole birthday party every single year is overkill anyway and the rubbish of having to make sure adults aren't upset by a childs party is tiresome. And, lets' be honest, it's the ADULTS who take offence over these childrens parties. And the whole ridiculous notion of "doing something special" on the same day just adds to that. They're guided by us so it's a real disservice to them to ensure you get the kids on side and make them understand why they should be upset as well.🙄

Mothers are so very petty. I say mothers because they're the majority of the posters. Yep, you show em. No invite for your kid next time! 😂

Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of 'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

Yeah, why should a child get to have a fun stress free party to celebrate their birthday with the friends they’d like to have there. They should put other people’s feelings first. Selfish bastards 🙄

I don't think anyone has done anything wrong. It is hurtful to feel left out, especially if you are the kind of person who wouldn't have not invited your friend's dd.
But otoh, some kids do have home friends and school friends and prefer the separation. Or just aren't as close to your child as you'd thought. It's sad but it's not wrong exactly.

I do agree with pp that if your child isn't included, then you need to step back from insisting that your dd invites this other child to her own events. Let their relationship evolve or not, naturally!

I think I'd let this go, not mention it to dd and at the same time don't encourage or allow too much reliance on this other child for your own DD's social activities outside of school. Maybe see the mum on her own a bit more and leave the kids out of meet-ups if you can. I wouldn't want my dd to feel used, so I'd pull back a bit tbh.

oh give over

you’ve started a thread on this birthday issue and don’t like fact that it would seem you wouldn’t be reasonable to go for the big fall out option you clearly pang for

So you and people with your opinion think it's ok to exclude children who 'dont know' the majority. If this isn't a dredful life lesson I dont know what is. Children should be taught to embrace the child who doesn't know the rest of
'the group' which means making them feel welcome.

I really disagree with this. Children are allowed to have time with their school friends. They are allowed to have fun and a pleasurable time. Not everything needs to be a worthy lesson.

What do you think of what @NewName24 said?

If I go for a meal with the people in my choir, my workmates don't feel left out.
If I do an event with my friends from Church, my choir mates don't feel left out.
If my work pals and I go for a meal for my birthday, nobody from Church or choir would expect to come.
They are different groups. Nobody 'is being left out' because they aren't part of that group in the first place. In the same way, your dd isn't part of the group of schoolfriends that are being invited to this particular party.

I just don't see how every single person that you have a connection with can be invited to everything that you do.

They don’t even go to the same school!

You're a bit confused. Parties have limited invite numbers. People who aren't invited are not by default excluded. Exclusion would be a minority left out of a defined group (e.g. a class).

OP: you are focussing on being ‘left out’ and the party being central to whether you are ‘close’ or not.

As children grow events evolve so that people are not ‘left out’ because they wouldn’t have been invited in the first place. Is your Dd ‘left out’ if your friend goes on a day trip to the seaside at a weekend? Are you ‘left out’ if your friend meets a different friend for a pizza? No, because everyone does some things independently.

You are used to birthday parties being as they were when the children were tiny but they evolve.

It really doesn’t automatically mean your friend is not ‘close’, if she is still doing family weekends and holidays with you.

Your responses to replies don’t really show you understanding different views and responses to your own and you are still taking the whole thing very personally.

Close friends should be able to tell the truth e.g ‘her party is based around the school group this year’, but it is also our responsibility to make it straightforward for people to tell us the truth.

Also, it is a tricky thing that generally younger children ‘adore’ older children and want to be included, while older children can feel impatient at having to include younger ones all the time.

I expect she didn’t tell you because she was worried how you would react.

I totally agree @Mummybearto3bg I see where you are coming from. I hear clearly that they are really good friends and her DD has always been invited to your daughter's party. I also agree with others who see how hurtful it is to not be included. I am always amazed at how parents allow for exclusion that is obvious and so hurtful. For two years we were at a small primary school and my eldest was at the age where parties were all the girl's in the class. The parties excluded 1 girl (my daughter didn't ever do this) in the class. My daughter thought it was so cruel. This girl was very very bright (genius IQ) and ASD with tics and I always felt that was a big and horrible reason why. When my DD invited her to her party, her Mum actually contacted me to tell me her daughter cried at the invite she was so happy. This girl btw is now sixth form age and highly successful, runs her own business, predicted all A's. Many many friends through her hobbies. A delight.

A similar thing happened to us this weekend @Mummybearto3bg with a friend whose dd I always send a card & pressie to. She actually contacts about 20 of us to ask via email each year to not forget her SEN daughter's birthday. This little girl has significant SEN so she let her make a list of who to invite, and I can see it only included people she's seen in the last month and the dc of Mum's closest friends. She has significant longer term memory challenges so if she hadn't seen anyone in the last month she may not think to say them. Anyway, she and my DD are friends. My younger DD is so kind with her, has helped her with swimming, art, it's truly lovely to watch and my friend always gets teary saying how my daughter sees her DD as an equal and she really does. My dd doesn't define people by their disability and genuinely sees her daughter as a friend. Anyway, hey are having a big party today and my daughter isn't invited.

I am not vindictive so even once I saw what was happening I still bought a really lovely, unique gift i know she will love and sent it. This friend has never once sent my dc so much as a card. But asks every year for something for her dd so she feels loved/cherished/special. For me it's about the dd not my friend. We've invited her DD to parties but she has never come b/c the Mum is very scared of germs. We even had a party outside fully (with tents) in hope she could be included but b/c we couldn't confirm all guests were fully vaccinated, she didn't feel comfortable with her DD attending.

This stuff when dc are close but not thought of hurts and does make you look at whether your dc are taken advantage of by being a friend when needed, and excluded when not. Not a nice feeling and sadly something many parents' orchestrate.

Before anyone says it, yes people have a right to invite who they want. But this is different when a friend is excluded, especially when the friend always includes their dc.

But this is different when a friend is excluded

The girl is having a birthday party with just school friends, that’s fine and perfectly normal and acceptable not to include out of school friends. If there were 10 girls in her class and she was inviting 8 of them-that would count as ‘excluding’.

@libbylane your post confused me as it seems you are advocating for someone to invite only who they want but chastising the woman the op talks about? (Unless I've picked you up wrong?)
Also your friend emails 20 people to tell them to buy her dd a gift but doesn't reciprocate?

For two years we were at a small primary school and my eldest was at the age where parties were all the girl's in the class. The parties excluded 1 girl (my daughter didn't ever do this) in the class.

Why are people mentioning situations that are so completely different to the situation in the OP?

Because it allows them to pontificate about how great they are compared to everyone else I've found!

This thread has got bizarre with people talking about situations that are nothing like the OP.

Yes, it’s not good to leave out one or two girls from their class, but that’s not what’s happening here.

Birthday girl is having a party with a bunch of school friends. Birthday girl’s mum has a friend with a daughter of a similar age at a different school and the mum’s friend is cross her daughter didn’t get invited.

It honestly wouldn’t occur to me to be bothered about this (I have been in the same situation and it is completely normal to just have school friends!).

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose not chastising. Just understanding why OP feels hurt for her daughter.

And yes, friend really does email about 20 people asking for mail/small gifts/cards for her dd and has never once reciprocated for my dc nor the other friend I have who is also on the list who has 2 dc.

Seriously? That's gold standard cf! Does she give a request list?!

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose - yes, she does make suggestions in the email and then does a post tagging only those who send a gift.

One thing that always comes to my mind, as I don't think she reciprocates with anyone in terms of gifts/cards, is it's not really teaching her dd that in life one sided relationships don't really work out well for the recipient long term. Even a handmade card or a phone call on her friend's birthday is enough, something that lets people know you care about them too.

I do take everyone's feedback about my post on board. Yes, I agree with you my examples were different in terms of leaving a child from a class out. I think I was reacting to the shared/common feeling about being left out. I've taught my dc that you can't take party invites personally and yet I understand the sting, especially when a SEN child is involved.

Now I'm 40 and old I don't much remember who didn't invite me, but I do remember a couple of parties I was invited to where it was clear I wasn't wanted!

@libbylane your friend sounds awful. How have you not called her out on it? Are you buying for the child again this year?

But OP's friend is not making any of the demands your friend makes.

@libbylane but neither of those situations have anything to do with the OP's situation

It’s not excluding to not invite a child who is not part of that group to start with.

Excluding would be inviting the whole class baring one or two children. This child doesn’t attend the same school.

Shes been an invite because the mothers get along that’s all. The children are at the ages where it does tend to start actually mattering who is invited. They get a say and don’t tend to want to invite people just because they are family or mums friend who don’t know the dynamic of the class friends or know the class friends.

Your point would stand if the ops dd was the new kid in the class and being left out because she didn’t know anyone but again she isn’t. She isn’t ever going to be friends with these children because they won’t know each other at all apart from this party leaving the child whose party it is likely
feeling a responsibility to ensure she’s not left alone or left out rather than enjoying her party.

Sorry, I still don't agree. This is simply divide and separate for reasons unknown to long term friends left out. As an adult if my good long term friend left me out of her birthday party because she decided to only invite neighbours on her street I'd be hurt. As far as I'm concerned this is the same scenario.