Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

318 replies

Mummybearto3bg · 10/02/2024 09:11

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 10/02/2024 13:25

If I was the birthday girl's mum I'd be treating this as a lesson in kindness (and before anyone snarls at me, this is NOT because she's a girl, I'd say the same if she was a boy) and encouraging her DD to include OP's DD.

Reading some of these responses makes me sad for kids who grow up with additional needs and have to contend with being left out on top of everything else. Yes it's a life lesson, but 7 is very young to have to start learning it. Poor girl. 🙁

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 10/02/2024 13:29

The daughter is at an age to choose who she wants at her party, rather than her Mums choices. You'll have to respect that.

underneaththeash · 10/02/2024 13:31

Would she know anyone else at the party except your friend's daughter? If not, it can make it very difficult for the birthday girl as she'll feel like she needs to look after the one who doesn't know anyone else rather than spending time with others.

piscesangel · 10/02/2024 13:33

Now that we're many parties into this (eldest nearly 11) our approach is that if it's a class party then it's just the kids from the class, even though there are close family friends etc here too. It's too awkward for the birthday kids and the extra kid to manage, whereas if all the kids already know each other the dynamic is much more relaxed. I think it's a personal preference thing - from my perspective you were not doing the BF any favours inviting her as the only extra to your DDs class party, but I'm sure you see it differently. Don't give your BF a hard time about this.

TinkerTiger · 10/02/2024 13:36

QuietBear · 10/02/2024 09:31

And regarding the lying. Friend is clearly feeling under pressure to invite to invite OP's DD and she lied to save the awkward conversation.

I don't even view it as a lie. She said she's doing something with school friends. That's true. The 'we're not doing anything' to me reads as 'we're not doing anything outside of a class party', it sounds nicer than having to explain it's a party just for school friends.

ZenNudist · 10/02/2024 13:37

I'm sorry but it's silly to be hurt over this. We don't invite friends dc to parties even though our dc are friends too. I fully expect a school group not random friends from everywhere.

Just like you probably have different groups of friends.

Devonshiregal · 10/02/2024 13:38

Mummybearto3bg · 10/02/2024 11:19

I don't want to be too outing but it's a party where you pay one price for 10 or 30 kids for example.

if there’s 28 kids in a class and your friend has 2 siblings, that’s 30. So maybe the price just dictates. And you can’t invited the whole class except one person so it’s easier to leave your daughter out because she won’t have to sit at school feeling excluded.

honestly too school friends are different to outside friends. They’re like a group whereas outside friends are separate. If you spend this much time together (and the other mum actively engages with this) I’d not imagine she just doesn’t like you that much. Don’t take it personally

TinkerTiger · 10/02/2024 13:40

Mummybearto3bg · 10/02/2024 09:58

But our daughters are close friends. I understand everything you are all saying as i have older children too. I didn't ask about the party, as I already realised she hadn't been invited. It was my best friend who kept mentioning it out of the blue and then someone else blurted out it was an actual party. So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties? You would rather leave them out than just invite them? I honestly don't understand how that's not upsetting for my daughter to understand that you are her friend most of the time, but not on her birthday?

How would your daughter know about the party? I'd hope your friend will have told her DD not to mention it. You haven't answered whether or not they're at the same school, so I'm assuming the answer is no. I grew up extremely close with a cousin who was a year younger than me. Saw her all the time. Yet as I got older (around 8/9), I just had my school friends for a birthday. She wasn't friends with them, and it's not exclusionary. She'd be invited to and family gathering, but it's totally up to your friend to do something separately.

Fieldsofclover12 · 10/02/2024 13:42

Why does everyone seem to assume that the OP's DD will feel uncomfortable at a party with other children who she may not know? If she is sociable, then she would join in. Having worked in a primary school for years, I have generally found that this age group are very receptive to new faces. I could understand it more if the OP's DD had behavioural issues or care issues that would be difficult to accommodate, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

user1984778379202 · 10/02/2024 13:58

Your kids are approaching the age where school friends will be their main focus, so it's not unreasonable your friend's DD doesn't want any non-school friends joining in.

Can't you and your friend start a new twice-yearly tradition of taking the girls out for a nice lunch/shopping trip/cinema etc separate to their parties, to get round this?

JCLV · 10/02/2024 14:00

Personally I wouldn't be inviting this child to your daughter's party. You can't have it both ways. My granddaughter wasn't invited to her best friend's birthday tea and was really disappointed so when it was her birthday she didn't invite her back. The mother actually texted my DIL to ask why her daughter hadn't been invited!! Apparently she was very upset.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2024 14:05

I see it from the other child's point of view. Its her school friends and it's a separate friendship group.And are they even friends now. Looks like they're not. Don't invite the 'friend' to the next party

PeachBlossom1234 · 10/02/2024 14:07

We didn’t invite my best friends children to my daughters birthday party last year, I think she was disappointed but understood that although we’re best friends our kids aren’t and she wanted her own friends there over my friends which is totally fair. I wouldn’t take it to heart, just accept that her daughter made the guest list and she’s not on it. You can be best friends but not do everything together, I think it’s ok to not invite everyone

StarvingMarvin222 · 10/02/2024 14:10

@Mummybearto3bg it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Plus if the other child is older maybe she's outgrown your DD.
She's better off not being invited,than be invited and being ignored.
Plus the other child has a right to have who she wants,it's not a slight on you or your DD.

Redpaisley · 10/02/2024 14:10

Best is not to invite her child going forward. Seems like that's the norm. Because in s few yesrs, your dd will know she never gets invited to the other girl's birthday.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2024 14:14

Mummybearto3bg · 10/02/2024 10:59

I think I'm learning that now. I thought we were all close but maybe not returned.

Show quote history

I don’t think this is true at all from what you’ve said. There is no way your friend would go on holiday with you and your dd if this were the case. My friend and I stopped in inviting each others kids at about this age. Same school year, different schools. She is one of the 2 people dh and I selected to look after dd in the event that dh and I die before dd reaches 18. My dd is 15 and year 11 now. She still doesn’t mix friends.

Oranesandlemons · 10/02/2024 14:22

We have just reached a similar stage with my
older child. In the past we’ve invited family friends, younger siblings etc and just had a party at a playground or similar. This year she wanted a specific party which involved a smaller guest list and she knew who she wanted to invite. I insisted we invite my friend’s child who she has also been friends with since they were born - at one point they were very close but this child has been very difficult the last year or so(which my friend doesn’t recognise) - because I felt it was too unkind not to because all other friends from this friendship group would’ve been invited.

I feel like I did the right thing and am modelling kindness and inclusivity but also not totally sure and I think in another year or twos time, I will need to let her choose herself. What I would find most difficult about your friend is that she hasn’t told you the truth

Clearinguptheclutter · 10/02/2024 14:25

Sandysandwich · 10/02/2024 09:22

At 7 and 8 surely they pick who they want at their own birthday. If it was a whole school class would your daughter not have been the odd one out if she only knows that one girl. It could just be the girl wanted her school friends there and didn't think to add in a seperate extra friend who she knows from outside.

This. It would change the whole dynamic to have someone that was outside the birthday girl’s circle of friends

also you say your dd adores her? But does she adore your dd?

Mazuslongtoenail · 10/02/2024 14:25

I have a best friend of 30 years, DDs are 6 months apart and good friends but at different schools. They don’t go to each other’s parties - it’s done by school group here. Namely because who wants to be the only one not in the class at a party.

coxesorangepippin · 10/02/2024 14:45

It's rubbish but you live and learn

If it's not reciprocated, I stop reaching out

Simplelobsterhat · 10/02/2024 14:46

My best friends kids and my kids adore each other and the eldest are the same age but I think by 8 we'd stopped inviting each other to parties, as these focussed on classmates usually. Same for cousins, who they also adore. If we do invite them it's usually as company for the sibling really. The party child is busy with their school friends and it can be hard to include someone who doesn't know the other children, changes the dynamic. They tend to keep their out of school friends separate and see them a different time, so they can properly enjoy seeing them. It really isn't a slight.

Alwaystired23 · 10/02/2024 14:49

One year I didn't invite my close friends dc to my dc birthday party. We are very close like you are. The reason being; I kept a few spaces back to invite them, ds handed out invites to some kids in his class, came home, and insisted that he invite other children from his class as he had talked about it in school. It was his party at the end of the day. There was a max on numbers at the venue. I then couldn't invite my friends' children that I had intended on inviting. They are at a tricky age. They are forming friendship groups in school. I never, for one moment, wanted to leave then out. It was just unfortunate how it worked out. Maybe your friend is in a similar situation.

thebestinterest · 10/02/2024 14:50

unfortunately op, you can’t force your children to be friends. As heartbreaking as it is for you, they are their own little people… with their own wants and desires.

I have found myself wondering about this a lot lately, as my friend and I also have LOs weeks apart. Will they be as good of friends to one another as my friend and I are to each other? Maybe. Maybe not. It’s okay if they aren’t.

Moonshine5 · 10/02/2024 15:01

@Mummybearto3bg
Maybe you are more invested in the friendship than she is. I consider your friends behaviour to be cold but there you go; you can never tell with people.

NewName24 · 10/02/2024 15:07

I agree with the majority.
YABU.
You can enjoy spending time with someone, but also have other groups of friends. Just because 2 women are friends, they can't expect their dc to grow up automatically being best friends. It is very, very normal by this age to just invite people from school and not dc of friends of parents.