Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

About that age we moved from having general friends and younger wider family to just school friends. It might be a type of party where your daughter wouldn't be able to keep up if she is younger and has SEN. If they are otherwise still friendly I wouldn't worry, it's just a new lifestage

Are they at school together?

The mums are close friends, doesn't mean the daughters have to be.

The invite wouldn't bother me too much. Kids grow up, they find different friends. The lying I would be more annoyed at. If she can't be honest with you, she's no friend.

Yes, I would presume the child has friends to invite

You are being silly, at this age they invite school friends and it's their choice who.

Does your friend’s daughter actually consider your daughter as a friend?

I think at 8 she’s at the age to choose her own birthday party guests and it sounds like a school-only thing, which is fine.

You can’t expect your children to have the same close relationship as you and your friend do. They need to be polite to each other when they see each other - that’s it!

Parties do change as they get older. School friends end up trumping other friends. It does happen.

What doesn’t happen is your ‘best friend’ lying and using your child to make up numbers.

I would be really angry and most likely I’d pull back. Treat my children like rubbish then you’re no friend. Most definitely not a best friend!!

I would expect parties at that age to be school friends rather than mum’s friends kids. Does the daughter like your dd as much as your dd likes her daughter? I’m wondering if they hang out because of their mums being best friends or if they genuinely like each other.

The child doesn’t owe your daughter an invitation because their mothers are friends. She just wants her actual friends at her party, not to have to look after and include a younger child who won’t know any of the others.

Is it possible your friend lied because she knew how you’d react?

At 7 and 8 surely they pick who they want at their own birthday. If it was a whole school class would your daughter not have been the odd one out if she only knows that one girl. It could just be the girl wanted her school friends there and didn't think to add in a seperate extra friend who she knows from outside.

The children aren't best friends, the mum's are. I'm surprised the party invites have gone on this long.

The only reason I ever invited my friends children to birthday parties was if the were actually friends with mine. I have never invited a child to a party just because their mum was my friend. Being dragged along when the mums meet up isn't the same as choosing who you want to be friends with. At age 8 I would expect the child to have full autonomy when choosing Birthday party guests.

Sounds like the daughter is pleasant to your child because of the mums friendship but doesn’t see your daughter as an actual friend.

I’m sure she didn’t mind her coming to her parties but now she’s getting older and there’s limits on numbers for activities she’ll want her actual friends there, not her mums friends daughter.

Sounds like a class party, so they’ve just invited the kids in her class.

We only invited class friends to parties from that age. Are your daughters friends at school?

Just because you and the mum are friendly and happened to have daughters of a similar age, doesn’t mean they have to invite each other to parties. It can be awkward to have people there who don’t really know the other children.

I would be a bit hurt too tbh, more so about being lied to rather than the lack of invite. Your friend must feel awkward about it to have done that.

Your friend's DD doesn't owe your child an invite to her party.

It's only natural for children to grow up and make their own friends. How long did you expect this to continue for?

And regarding the lying. Friend is clearly feeling under pressure to invite to invite OP's DD and she lied to save the awkward conversation.

I think your friend is lying to spare your feelings Op. Her DD hasn't asked your DD to come and she doesn't want to tell you. Try not to take it personally, DC chop and change friends at that age

I think that children of friends really only get invited in the preschool years. I think you're reading too much into it. I wonder if your child has fewer friends, maybe because of SEN issues and you have unreasonable expectations of your friend to fill the gap?

She kind of told you, they aren't doing other party than the school friends one this year. How many school friends is irrelevant.

Honestly my parents arranged playdates when i was at school (i was sen just not known as this was decades ago) and would get me to go to other kids parties due to adults being friends. It was awkward as hell, the kids already knew each other and clearly didn't want to play with me 😅

At some point parties change from kids that you want to invite, to children that your child wants to invite. Which is as it should be. Her lies are white lies to protect your feelings.

They aren't friends. You are friends with the mother.
It does happen, and while the kids are very young, it's fine. But then, as others have said, it starts being awkward as hell for the child who has been "obligatorily" invited.

See also cousins who aren't actually that close.