Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

Dolphinsong
But it isn't the same situation. For a start children are not adults.

Some children play together when they're younger and are friends because their parents are friends. Over time they will either form their own friendship independent of their parents or will continue to be friends in the sense they play when the families socialise but there's no independent friendship. The two types of friendship are not the same.

As an aside if you objected to your friend having a birthday party with her neighbours and not you, that would be 100% a you issue not a her issue. Why would she be obliged to invite all her friends she knows to a gathering for a specific social circle?

I think you’re being really unreasonable. She clearly had a class party and your daughter isn’t in her class. My son’s best friend is his cousin but he doesn’t get invited to class parties as he would only know my son so it’d be rubbish for him as my son would want to play with everyone. We have a class party (soft play etc) and a family /friends party separately at home for birthdays

I would refrain from buying a present

My near 5 yo can’t fathom at all that he can invite his friends outwith his nursery class to his party!
ultimately I could’ve done just his nursery but thought otherwise and none of my friends would’ve been upset by it.
going forward it’ll likely be class only so I’d not be offended at all that your daughter hasn’t been asked. If you choose to then you could do the same going forward and your friend should understand why she hasn’t been asked but at the same time if you want to ask then that’s up to you guys :)

But it's not for reasons unknown? It's because it's a school class party. That's all mum has to explain to daughter and it's a great lesson to learn young, that you can't be invited to everything and that just because you haven't been invited, it doesn't mean you're not still friends.

I held a party at the weekend, I didn't invite all my friends, just one particular group. I talked about it with other friends this morning and none of them were upset that they weren't invited.

I don't like worlds coliding. I have work, I have friends and I have family. I don't like to mix them. My children have school friends, and out of school friends and they don't mix them and it has meant that if things go a bit crappy at school or out of school they have the other group to keep them on an even keel.

If you are good friends and get on I wouldn't let this difference of opinion get in the way of your friendship and your daughters' friendship.

There's every chance it's not malicious and it would be a shame to ruin what seems to be a very active and happy social life between you both ❤️

This is weird.
Something fishy going on.
What you have described is something other than a ' true friend'
My dear, we are often deluded as to what a friend is....What is s friend???????????
A True Friend would not behave like THIS!!!!!!!!
Dont beat yourself up we are all deceived at some point about A True Friend.
Some people have whats called a ' Pigeonhole friend' = Example : Someone they just go for Lunch with. Apart fom these once weekly Lunch meetings YOU DO NOT EXIST. ( They just like going out to Lunches regularly). These people are regimented, dont have deep emotions and probably dont care ( about others feelings)
YOU probably VALUE this other person MORE than they VALUE YOU. They could have ULTERIOR MOTIVE for collecting ' friends' they could be A USER. ( Narcissust)
Be very careful, YOU NOW KNOW THE TRUTH about what they VALUE in YOU. Their next move( as in my case) might be your SPOUSE.

@Vonesk

You what?

Well @Dolphinsong. It's a good job we're not friends. I only invited neighbours to my recent big birthday party. No family, no friends outside the place I now live. As far as I know, they're all still talking to me.

OP - these things happen, and it's no indication of how much someone means to you. Need to move on.

@Nanny0gg SURELY you mean YOU what? my DEAR!? 😆

Are you both AFTER each other’s SPOUSE?

Planning parties is such a nightmare for many parents, especially when there’s groups of friends, school friends, personal friends, family etc the list can get long so quickly!

Slightly different ages (3 + 5) but my little girls absolutely adores my friends daughter and loves spending time with her. The feeling is very much mutual but my friends little girl is the older one (5) and we’ve noticed that she struggles when having to juggle school friends and my daughter both being there.

It depends how close you feel to your friend but we’ve already planned that we’ll have a nursery/school friends party and then they can have a special day out just the two of them. Could you offer this to your friend, as in “X would really like to celebrate Y’s birthday with her, could we do Z together to celebrate?”

That way they get to celebrate together and your daughter can enjoy it whilst your friends daughter also gets to enjoy parties with school friends

"Could you offer this to your friend, as in “X would really like to celebrate Y’s birthday with her, could we do Z together to celebrate?”

As close friends, this seems the perfect solution to avoid upset and include the OP's DD in some form of birthday celebration. The two girls meet regularly and seem to enjoy spending time together so one of the forthcoming meetups could simply become a little celebration (afternoon tea or cinema trip etc).

I’m confused…..Have you actually gone back through her old posts to find this comment from 15 months ago? 🤨 Extremely weird if you have!

@Mummybearto3bg im thinking maybe her daughter is fine to play with yours when it’s just them on holidays, meet ups etc but she possibly feels she doesn’t want to have to “look after” your daughter when she’s with her school friends? I understand she may be happy to join in or be on her own playing but perhaps her daughter sees yours as a little kid even though they’re only a year apart, maturity wise is her daughter a lot ahead of yours because this can make a child see another child as babyish and perhaps that’s why she didn’t want her there, it’s kinda like siblings or cousins where you’re forced to take the younger ones along with you and your mates, I’m the oldest of 6 so I got that a lot & it’s irritating 😂 Maybe your friend didn’t want to say that to you so tried spare your feelings by stupidly lying and made it worse!
I do completely understand how heartbreaking this is for you having your daughter left out, especially that you’re probably thinking it’s because she’s SEN, it’s not nice seeing your kid left out even though they’re oblivious to it. It hurts us more than them. I do think you should mention to your friend that you were told it was in fact a party and that you were a little hurt she felt she couldn’t be honest with you & ask her how she’d feel in your situation. Tell her you don’t want to call out over this, keep things calm and accept each others sides. It may hurt hearing her reasons but it’s not worth ending a great friendship over but it’s best you speak to her and tell her as hard as it will be to start that conversation. Good luck 😊

Bravo! Top comment!

I would be hurt by the lie not the lack of invite. At 8 you are old enough to invite who you would like at your party not whose mum is friends with your mum.

move forward and put it behind you

I presume you kid is not in this child's class or maybe even school? Do you know if any other non school friends have been invited? Like, if not: 30 kids, 29 of them know 29 others, 1 of them knows 1 other. Your daughter might be happy to be that one, but a good number of kids would hate this and that's probably why she wasn't invited!

No need to presume as the OP said they weren't at the same school when she posted over five months ago.