Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

Not unusual. My niece and daughter are 8 weeks apart. Each go to different schools. Each have their own "school friends" birthday party.

I'd say from 7+ invites go from being whole class parties to 5-6 close school friends anyway.

I wouldn't really consider it lying either. A white lie to be polite, rather than saying your DD is younger and doesn't know the others and her DD doesn't really want her there or doesn't consider her a good friend would be quite hurtful, and I'm sure the other mum doesn't want to say that. There might have been better ways to put it, but if she was under pressure, that's what might have come out at the time - that they were just doing something with school friends, trying to minimise it so that you wouldn't be hurt. It might have backfired, but her intention was probably to not hurt you or your DD.

It's awkward. Things like this can be so hard to navigate for all concerned.
Your friend doesn't want to hurt your feelings so rather than have that difficult conversation, she lied. Not great but I guess it's understandable. Her dd isn't invested in yours and wants her classmates. Your dd won't know anyone else there except the birthday girl. What is her mum to do? Insist? Tell the truth? Wiggle out of it with a lie?

I feel for you so much. Not everything in life has a clear path or conclusion. Some things are just crap. xx

Totally normal not to invite your daughter. She wouldn’t know anyone apart from the birthday girl.

Sorry to drip feed. We go on holiday a few times a year together, meet up 2 out of 4 weekends etc. Our girls are really good friends or I'd completely understand. We're not friends who see eachother once in a while, we're more like family but now I'm wondering if I think more of the whole dynamic than they do. My reaction is silence, I don't want an invite just because I've said something. If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

If it's a party full of school friends (which is likely at that age) then your daughter would feel left out anyway and your friends daughter would spend most of her time at the party with them, as they are a group.
I actually understand the lying. She feels awkward and uncomfortable about it.
Im not saying I wouldn't be upset in your shoes though.
Maybe message your friend and suggest a day out the four of you to celebrate her daughters birthday?

Is she a friend of this girl though? I wouldn't expect my best friend to invite my child just because they knew each other - they'd have to be genuine friends themselves. The fib was to make you feel better, but has backfired.

Are they in the same class?

It is awkward and I would feel upset too, however I think it's normal.

We have a group of friends and we would always invite each other's kids to the parties. My eldest is 6 and I can see already that we won't be inviting our friends kids to future parties. They have a different group of school friends and I think it just changes over time.

You need to separate out the fact the girls only spend time together because you two are friends.

It is quite normal to do just classmates parties and as they get older there may be other friends from sports clubs, hobby classes etc too so you need to accept she doesn't get an invitation just because her mum is mates with you.

Please don't make this an issue. If you want to celebrate her birthday why not invite them over to tea and a play date separately and buy some cup cakes.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Your 'friend' has a lot to answer for. She thinks it's OK to invite your daughter to a party to make up numbers, but she's not worthy of a proper invite? Given how close you all seem to be, I'd be fuming about her treatment of your daughter and would either be very upfront and honest about her behaviour or ditch her altogether. How upsetting for you both.

It is difficult for any child to be the odd one out at a party. We either do school friends or friends and family in groups where all the kids know at least half the other. Not just the birthday child.
Otherwise either that child gets left out, or if they know a couple they split into groups and birthday child feels conflicted.

It's normal to invite school friends but not your parents friends children at this age.
If they are not in the same class at school you have to accept this.
Your friend obviously didn't know how to explain it well to you but even if it's a whole class party they are still the school friends.
You just can't push a friendship on children because you are friends with the mother. If the girls get on well at meet ups that's fantastic but don't push too hard or you may find the other child pushes back hard and rejects your daughter.

Your friend wasn’t ‘lying’ - she was trying to save you and your daughter’s feelings. Would it have been better if your friend had told you her daughter didn’t want to invite yours? I’m afraid the dynamic of your friends’ children being your children’s friends changes once they’re at school. A 3/4yr old will likely play with whoever is around. An 8yr old, not so much. It’s extremely difficult to navigate, when your children stop being so compliant and, quite rightly, want to choose their own friends, who are not necessarily your friends’ children. Don’t take it personally.

Well I think your all talking bollocks. If my best friend had a child, who had grown up with my kid, even if they do have SEN, I would absolutely invite them. In my opinion she is not your friend and not a nice person to boot!

I personally think this is mean. However I will be in a tiny minority and the reality is that this is normal and most people will say it’s fine. It will be because your friend’s DD has school friends and she doesn’t want your DD tagging along and changing the dynamic. The fact that your DD is a year younger will be a factor too. Personally I’d be upset with my friend but I don’t know that there’s anything you can do. Next year I wouldn’t invite her DD and maybe work on starting to protect your DD from this friendship- she may get hurt as they get older. Focus on your adult friendship and keep the girls more separate perhaps.

OK, so my kids have cousins they are really close to. See each other weekly, holidays, sleep overs eyc etc. Live locally but different schools. They were never invited to each others birthday parties with school friends.

My BF and I have children similar ages, they went to each other's parties until they were about this age as they don't go to the same schools and so had different friendship groups, if it's a class party, it can be awkward having a child that doesn't know anyone apart from the birthday child.

It sounds like if you and the mum weren’t friends your daughters wouldn’t seek each other out. It’s great that they get on well, but that’s as far as it goes

My best friend and I had daughters1 month apart
At age 7 they started to get a bit shy around each others friends , they didn't know the same friends as they didn't attend the same school .
We started a tradition to do a joint mother and daughter day to celebrate both birthdays and us becoming mums and didn't attend each others parties . We did bowling , afternoon teas and now spa days .
It's carried on like that and they are both 16 .
This is something we talked about and agreed , maybe you could suggest it ?

Her daughter has invited her closest friends. You are her mums closest friend. See the difference?

Also the girls are 16 they now make their own arrangements to see each other .

Are people really so angry that a child is inviting who they want to their own birthday party?

Yes, but do you not see that you, as adults arrange all these things. That's not the same as the children genuinely being friends. They may play well and get along just fine when the families get together but that is entirely different than actually choosing to be friends. The other little girl will want her friends that she has chosen at her party, not people that come as a default because they are the child of her mums friend.
One of my closest friends when my children were growing up had a child the same age as mine. They went to the same school but didn't play together. They would rub along quite happily if we went to theirs or out for a day, even had a couple of sleepovers but they weren't really friends. They didn't go to each others birthdays and had completely separate friend groups in school.
You really need to try and separate your friendships from your daughters friendships.

I don’t see the relevance of SEN here. We used to invite all kids to my children’s parties when they were younger. But at some point, it became much more difficult doing a mix of school friends and friends from out of school. It was then easier either to do two separate events or just one school event. It was absolutely nothing personal and everybody ended up doing the same.

Has your experience of your school kids not been like this?