Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

a very very close family like best friend

that you don’t seem all that keen on and certainly can’t open up to

Because you’re clearly sensitive.

Yadnbu
Your ‘friend’ is a very mean woman.

I can empathise. My child has SEN and I’d always felt that at least they’ll be invited to my friends kids parties. They love a party but don’t get school invites. Then in the past year 2 of my closest friends kids haven’t invited them to their party. I know logically that they can invite who they choose as they get older but I still feel sad for my child that the few party invites they got previously are drying up.

Mummybearto3bg · 16/11/2022 19:41
I have fallen out with my entire family

well there’s a surprise.

OP i suspect you are actively looking for a reason to have a big fall out

Between 6 and 8 there's a big shift in socialising time, @Mummybearto3bg. Prior to that it was more of a free for all, children from different areas of life mixed pretty well.

Then the shift to "friendship groups" happens. School friends, family friends, friends from a sporting activity, friends from Brownies/Cubs etc - they tend to keep these groups pretty distinct when socialising.

At 8, my DC would have felt uncomfortable to go to their (beloved) cousins' birthday parties as they wouldn't know most of the attendees and would feel awkward.

Your friend has gone for a school-friends-only celebration. That's totally normal and common.

My own personal workaround for close friendships outside the school party thing was to invite the good friend over for a different mini-celebration. "I know Alice is have a school party this year, would she like to come to Starbucks with Mia for a fancy hot chocolate on Tuesday to celebrate her birthday?"

we have family friends like this and no longer include them in birthday parties - we also moved recently and my children don't invite their best friends from their old school to school parties.

I think you are looking at this the wrong way - you can have a 'best mate' and not invite them if every other child is in your class at school.

For example my son has been going to parties locally with kids he only knows now for about a year - so clearly he is being invited to small group parties INSTEAD of the older / better friends of these children - just because he is now in their class etc and they are sticking to school mates.

I am sorry, I read most of the answers, but still. I think your so-called best friend is a swine. End of.

Why not just ask her?

You know her better than all of us posters and she knows you better than us. Is she someone that is usually assertive or dislikes confrontation? Is there a reason she would be hesitant to tell you this? You say that it would have been ok but this is after finding out that your daughter wasn’t invited. If she had told you before invitations went out that her daughter hadn’t invited yours, would you have accepted it or questioned it?

So friend tells you that they are only inviting school friends and you are sitting there thinking what you have done wrong.

But if she'd said her daughter didn't want to invite yours you would be totally fine with it?

I think this is what's upsetting. If the roles were reversed, I'd say 'no, so and so is coming, you're not leaving them out". Because even as an adult, you feel horrible being left out.

But she isn't "being left out".

If I go for a meal with the people in my choir, my workmates don't feel left out.
If I do an event with my friends from Church, my choir mates don't feel left out.
If my work pals and I go for a meal for my birthday, nobody from Church or choir would expect to come.
They are different groups. Nobody 'is being left out' because they aren't part of that group in the first place. In the same way, your dd isn't part of the group of schoolfriends that are being invited to this particular party.

You're overthinking it.

At this age it's about the children choosing the people they're friends with, and usually that will be friendships groups from school or any clubs they do.

Family friends tend to fall into two categories at this age: friends who met because their parents are friends and they seek to sustain a friendship independent of their parents' friendship and being friends because they play together when the parents meet up.

My kids adore their cousins and are really close to them and when they were toddlers and reception age they would always come to our birthday parties and vice versa.

These days (secondary school) they are still close, still love to see one another and ask to meet up but none of them would invite their cousins to their birthdays. They just aren't in the same social circles so it would be odd.

Looking back I can't recall when it stopped but maybe it was around 7/8. It just felt like a natural evolution and I don't recall anyone being offended. It doesn't mean they aren't still friends.

Don't sweat it and arrange to meet up some other time.

I'll word this carefully Op. Your DD has Sen, are you worried that this means they won't have many friends so you're taking your DF's DD not inviting her more seriously than you would have done? Please just speak to your DF, don't wind yourself up with the what ifs

I think you are over thinking this. It can be really hard to mix friendship groups and it does change the dynamic a lot as school friends see each other every day. When the children were little, we had Nct friends, nursery friends etc but as they’ve grown, the groups have got smaller and more tied to school.

It’s up to you, how big a deal you make of this. Most of us will have had children who have been left out of something or other. It is hard but you have to help your child get a sense of perspective. I have always said to my kids that it is not possible to get invited to everything and that’s okay.

You seem insistent on making a drama out of this and potentially ruining a friendship. Listen to what people are saying here and try and get over your sense of injustice. The friend is not doing what you would do but most of us do not think what she’s doing is out of the ordinary is especially ‘mean’.

I would advise you not to make your daughter feel outraged and try and help her understand the situation. You don’t seem to really understand how children’s dynamics change over the years. You need to take a step back and focus on other things rather than over-analysing this friendship. It will just push people away.

There came a point where my kids dictated who they wanted at their parties and culled the lovely kids who were children of my NCT friends. They would never want to include someone from the year below either, even though they get on like a house on fire at beavers and football. It's part of growing up. And it's their party. So, while it would be incredibly harsh to invite a whole class and leave out one child in the class, it is not the same as leaving out those who are not in their class friendship group. It's weird that you are making this about you.

Your friend lied by omission, i.e. playing down the fact that it was a party at all, and I would find this incredibly hurtful as it's clear you do, and I would guess it's something you'd never dream of doing.

Surely it wouldn't have hurt to invite one more child (your daughter) to save the potential upset?

I understand what others are saying - the birthday girl wants to choose who goes to her party - but surely the mom must realise how you, and your daughter, would feel when you found out?

I think you have every right to feel disappointed for your little girl.

I don’t have a problem with this.

My closest friend has a daughter a year older than mine. When they were younger, they were invited to each other’s parties but as they got older, they just had school friends-that’s pretty normal stuff. Then it got into sleepovers and things which was just a few close mates who all got on well. The girls are now adults and still friends, though still don’t really mix each other with old school friends!

Obviously I can’t speak for OP’s daughter, but when I was a kid, I would have rather not been invited than be invited as someone else’s “lesson in kindness.” If there’s one thing more insulting than people snubbing you, it’s people pitying you.

But I don’t think the birthday girl in this situation is snubbing anyone. I was friends with a girl between the ages of four and fourteen or so; we went to preschool/nursery school together, and then different schools. I went to her first birthday party after we went to separate schools, but after that first year, we’d go see a movie together or something like that.

It seems like the two daughters see each other a lot, OP. Is it possible your friend’s daughter likes your daughter well enough, but feels she spends enough time with her already and not enough time with school friends outside of school?

Wow thank you for that. Don't be so insensitive when you know absolutely nothing about my situation.

I wouldn’t over-think this. It’s nothing yourself or your DD has done. Your friend will have her own reasons - perhaps she feels her DD will play with yours mostly and not mingle with her school friends, perhaps she wanted to keep the party to school friends only, perhaps she wants to get to know the school parents better without having to entertain you/feel as if you are watching her, perhaps she wants to branch out a little and make more friends.

Really if you were to think deeply about it, it’s no big deal. It’s a child’s party. I’m sure your DD has other friends and also invitations to her own school friends parties.

I absolutely hate mixing friends from different places. I’ll avoid it at all costs. It just makes me stressed, wondering if everyone is getting on OK or if anyone is feeling left out. I’m also a subtley different person in different company, talk about different things, may even express different views on occasion. I also felt the same with my kids parties. We’d often have a party for school friends, then maybe a trip out with a nursery friend. I hated mixing them.

In the situation you describe, I can easily imagine your friend and her DD thinking it’ll be easier just to stick to school friends, so everyone knows each other and no one has to be watched out for.

Just because you and your DD would have been OK with her not really knowing everyone, it doesn’t mean your friend would have been.

The lying isn’t great, but I expect she was trying not to hurt your feelings.

Your friend lied by omission

Possibly because she was aware the OP would over react like this ??

and I would find this incredibly hurtful

but why ? It's not 'hurtful' to not be invited to something you aren't part of.
The OP's dd isn't in the school / class. The party is people from school.

Surely it wouldn't have hurt to invite one more child (your daughter) to save the potential upset?

and for how many years is she supposed to do this ?
Who would even want to be invited somewhere because someone else had told you you had to ?

I understand what others are saying - the birthday girl wants to choose who goes to her party

Doesn't sound as if you do

but surely the mom must realise how you, and your daughter, would feel when you found out?
Well no, because - as demonstrated by all the posters on this thread, there is no expectation that anyone would be hurt by an 8 year old inviting her schoolfriends to celebrate her birthday.
I mean, the only surprising thing here is that the OP's dd was still invited when she was 6 and when she was 7, not that she wasn't invited now that she is 8.

thats strange! Maybe check in with your daughter and ask if there has been any issues between the girls? Maybe they don’t really hang out at school?