Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

I can understand why you feel a bit hurt but some people leave it entirely up to the child to invite who they want. I wouldn't take it personally.

It sounds like this is a party for school friends - this is fine. I think you need to separate your friendship from your daughters friends. I spent lots of time with my parents friends children. For the most part, I haven't maintained contact with them. This fine and normal.

I think if your friend's daughter would be the only one your dd knew at the party then your friend may have been worried about your dd being left out because all the others knew each other. Less magnanimously I'd think she didn't want her dd to be tied to yours for the length of the party as she'd assumed due to her additional needs your dd wouldn't have been able to just get stuck in/make friends on a first meeting.

I'm really not sure what I'd do or say about it though.

Is your dd aware she has missed out @Mummybearto3bg?

@Mummybearto3bg

I would assume that it is a party for school friends.

If your daughter attended, she would not know any of the children. She would want to stay by her friend’s side the whole time wouldn’t she?

A year younger can also be a bit of a gap at that age, and the friend may not want to feel as though she is babysitting her pal at her own birthday party, unable to go off and mix with her school peers. That doesn’t seem fair or fun.

I think that if it is a class party, then the friend has not left your daughter out at all. Your daughter isn’t in her class. I agree with a pp that this is a life stage and a learning curve.

Don’t be that mother who expects other children to be your child’s forever friend. Children are individuals and can and will make their own choices.

It can sting a bit, but at this age birthdays tend to become more about their friends at school rather than antenatal/family connections. They're just different types of friendships. Although I understand it might hurt, I wouldn't let it get you down long term. Enjoy your friendship and let the girls have theirs.

As many others have said, they are at the age where parties often become school friends only. DS has several very close friends outside of school, people we see regularly and holiday with, but his birthday party was school friends only. Mixing groups can be difficult and he was worried about his other friends not knowing anyone so it was simpler to go school only.

My kid didn’t invite their out of school best friend to mix with their school friends.

They felt it was too socially awkward.

You are friends but your children may not be. I would personally not try and feel too upset about it. I don’t think your friend has deliberately left her out for any reason other than the children aren’t friends probably outside of your close relationship

I really wouldn’t worry as we made that exact move around 7. Before that age, we always had friends kids to our parties (from outside of school). Then we decided class friends come first as they spend most of the week together and we could squeeze outside friends kids in if anyone dropped out and they were free that weekend (obviously wouldn’t expect them to definately come at very short notice).

This is very common and kids generally have their school friends to parties from the middle of primary school. Its usually outside friends for the younger years/pre-school.

You are clearly saying they are friends and are close . So yes I would be upset as well . And if it was because your DD would not know the other children there , then your friend should have explained or asked you how your DD would feel if she was concerned about that . That’s what I am sure you would have done . I would be cooling the friendship a bit tbh . It sounds like bad manners to me .

But they are . Read the posts.

Are the girls good friends? If not the YABU.

age 8 and above we only invited a few friends, will your daughter know anyone else apart from birthday girl?

But then the mum ( if she was a true friend) should just say that ? It’s not difficult is it ? Is that not what friends do?

DD10 has a bestie from baby days and I’m really close with her mum. From about age 7 they celebrate separately to their “school” friend party. Usually we have a day out. They both chatted and decided it’s awkward trying to mix friend groups (it was hilarious, they sounded so serious).
it has nothing to do with our friendship, we love them and spend time with them lots.

I have a close friend whose child I'd quite like to have invited to DD's last party- mainly as I wanted to invite my friend too - they've spent time together since birth, and she does like him but not as much as her other friends. My daughter (who is about this age) specifically said she didn't want to invite him and only wanted friends from school - it was a small themed party only about 8 in total. It was very much my daughter's choice (both the type of party and the invitees) and I think at this age it really should be their choice, not their parents. Our only rule is that she can't invite the whole class and not 1 or 2 in the class as that is unfair, but if she's only inviting a few children, then she can choose who she wants.

I would question how enjoyable it would be for your daughter if the birthday girl is the only one she'll know and the rest are classmates. Not a lot of fun, I wouldn't think.

I think this is what's upsetting. If the roles were reversed, I'd say 'no, so and so is coming, you're not leaving them out". Because even as an adult, you feel horrible being left out.

I'm almost certain this will be the case for me too. Annoying my daughters birthday was pretty recent

So do you invite all your friends to everything you organise?

It’s perfectly OK to want a party with a subset of people. It really doesn’t sound like your DD is being deliberately excluded - she just isn’t a classmate of the other DD.

I would think that for bf child, having your loving DD think the world of her, while delightful at times, may be a bit of a burden at her party. Your DD, knowing no one else, will want her friends attention. Her friend will want to spend time with her school friends without feeling the need to make sure your DD is ok. I love my best friend. But I wouldn't invite her on a night out with my work colleagues. Try to see it that way.

She knows a few of the girls from previous meet ups and parties. My daughter is happy to be in a group or on her own, she's pretty chill!

Maybe the birthday girl didn’t want to invite her.

At that age, I would think the children would be deciding who they wanted to invite.

YANBU to be hurt and if this is your best friend, could it be possible she didn’t know how to tell you that her daughter didn’t want to invite yours to her party. My best friend and I despite being best friends for over a decade still struggle with telling each other things we think will hurt one another. However, we do power through it no matter how uncomfortable we are.

You could ask her upfront or let it go, depends on how much this will play on your mind.

(Edited after OP’s recent post)

If it was just that her daughter simply didn't want to invite my daughter.. thats absolutely ok, but why not just say that to me? Instead I'm sat here thinking what have we done wrong.

OP, is there any reason you’re not just bringing it up with your best friend? Why spend the weekend wondering and stewing about it.

Kindly, you need to stop over analysing. Tons of people have responded how it's not about you. It's a class party, much simpler to have it that way for a number of reasons listed.
She feels awkward mentioning it to you and it's not difficult to see why.

They don't go to the same school

and that op is why