Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

Unhelpful comment here but I’d personally be put out. I agree with previous posters that it’s a bit silly to feel this way, but I think it’s just so much easier to be inclusive and I always invite friends kids to my kids parties. She needs to get a grip - kids should learn to be inclusive too. Indulging the whole “you aren’t invited to my party” too early is dangerous.

Take your DD out for a lovely family treat on the day of the party.

I feel your pain OP, when DS was small he had a really good friend, they would be at each other's house loads, spent time together in school.
When DS had his 11th birthday, I planned a fun event for about 10 boys, provided transport all food and a bit of money for each to buy a souvenir. Whilst chatting to this particular boy, he said he had had his birthday at the same place the week before. I was gutted that he hadn't invited DS, but had to suck it up. I couldn't say anything to this boy, he didn't have to invite my DS, despite how close I thought this friendship was.

They don't go to the same school so I understand that point even though my daughters party was all school friends and then my best friends dd because I didn't want to leave her out of all the birthday party talk! My daughter doesn't know about the party because I wouldn't let her feel the way I feel. I obviously hate the feeling of being left out more than other people would so I would never let my daughter leave my best friends daughter out. I just have to get used to the fact it doesn't have to be returned I guess. Sorry I'm slow at returning replies!

@Mummybearto3bg you need to stop inviting the girl to your daughters parties… not to be mean but that is how life works, she needs to learn that relationships work both ways! I wouldn’t invite someone to something if I found out they constantly excluded me from meet ups.
I wouldn’t invite her and when the mum asked about it I would just say ‘oh I thought we’d started doing school friends only!’…. And leave it there.

I'd say this is the age to move from family friends to school friends... I had a gang of about 10-15 family friends that would come to parties, and realised that it was actually upsetting my dd to not be able to invite as many school friends. One year she could only invite 4 or 5 school friends and I realised how important those relationships were to her, over those with children she maybe only saw a handful of times each year xx

I think I'm learning that now. I thought we were all close but maybe not returned.

Does your daughter go to the same school and in the same class?

If not, your friend and her daughter are more than entitled to have a school class party and not invite your daughter. Its a different dynamic and the bday girl will have her mates there and I'm sure they'll all be excited.

You need to separate your friendship with the mum and the girls friendship .This is a class party. I did the same this year and only invited the class and none of my mates or their kids. It didn't go down well but that's not my problem. It was my DD day and she had a blast.

This. It’s a different dynamic. It’s totally normal for kids to feel anxious about mixing friends, it’s a skill learned over time and some adults still struggle with it.

This is a school friends party - she’s actually been quite truthful even if trying to spare feelings by saying it’s not big. She’s having a school friends party with her school head on.

Just as my Ds (10 now, but they were maybe 7 at the time) had to learn that a female friend who he knew since birth one year wanted an all girls party. That’s just life.

I know you’re obviously kind, but I would not invite her if she hadn’t invited mine, class friends sure, there’s always limited numbers… but if your best friends child doesn’t invite your DD I do think not inviting her one year would be a lesson well needed ! This other child shouldn’t grow up thinking there’s no consequences for treating others badly

How is wanting a party with school friends only treating OP’s DD badly?

Not everyone can be invited to everything. It’s not (I assume) like OP’s friend’s DD is going on about how wonderful the party will be in front of OP’s DD - which would be rude behaviour.

Maybe your friend didn't want her DD worrying about yours not knowing anyone else and feeling left out.

My reaction is silence, I don't want an invite just because I've said something. If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

@Mummybearto3bg Is it possible you’ve misread the friendship?

To test this I suggest you don’t invite her to your daughters party.

She’ll either be upset - in which case this shows her and her mum take your daughter for granted - or she’ll shrug it off and you’ll realise that she wasn’t that close to your daughter after all.

What bollocks.

Who lives their life trying to teach valuable lessons to eight year olds who aren't their own.

The OP's friend's daughter doesn't need to be taught a lesson because she is having a birthday party with just friends from school.

She's not being unkind, she's just growing older.

Did you invite every child of your parents friends to your celebrations?

@ZebraPensAreLife

How is wanting a party with school friends only treating OP’s DD badly?

Maybe I'm in the minority here but if the friend's DD expects invites to the OP's daughter's party and would be "genuinely upset" if she was excluded, then to not reciprocate is rather unkind. It is not how I'd want my DD to behave, especially not as she's only 8.

At that age, school friends are the centre of their world. And anyone else is a bit "out of sight, out of mind".

I have a cousin who is 8 months younger than me, and growing up, she lived a good 2 hour drive away. We used to meet up about once every six months, and would have a whale of a time together. Absolutely nuts about each other. But honestly, I didn't give her a single thought from one six months to the next. Absolutely BUZZED to see her, but forgot her within 5 minutes of being in school the next Monday morning.

I would try not to take your DDs snub too personally. But also... your friends DD is allowed to have who she wants at her party. And while school friends are the centre of the universe to an 8yo, maybe, just maybe, she's not THAT into your DD? While your DD loves her, maybe the feeling isn't that mutual.

Maybe it wasn't the 8yo's decision.

If they are same age group, I do. So do my other friends

Agree, all the posters desperately showing how lovely, kind and inclusive they are, yet getting excited at the thought of teaching an 8 yo CONSEQUENCES!!! for having the temerity to invite who she wants to a birthday party!

Well it will ok for OP’s daughter to not invite this other kid then too.

My daughter only invites 1 or 2 out for her birthday now, and there was a natural separation of friends in and out of school… but if OP’s daughter ALWAYS invited this girl to her parties then yeah I do find it mean.. personally think it’s time OP stopped it

Would she expect an invite, though, or is it just OP saying she would? Her mum may have discussed this with her already.

I think this is simply a case of the children getting older and wanting to prioritise the friends they’ve chosen / in a specific group. Which to me is fine and normal!

I don't want to be too outing but it's a party where you pay one price for 10 or 30 kids for example.

Yes, that would be absolutely fine. OP’s DD should invite whoever she wants.

Maybe she knows other friends children that she would feel obligated to invite too? Or her dh friends children? It can increase the numbers and then her dd would need to play host to these various groups?