Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

Its a bit off given how much they see eachother but once you invite one non school friend you have to invite everyone. For us, that would mean 15 more kids, most of which see eachother infrequently and are different ages and then you're just doing a full party, not a class party.

Once they get to that age it's unusual to mix 'outside' friends with school friends.

It's no more than that

But our daughters are close friends. I understand everything you are all saying as i have older children too. I didn't ask about the party, as I already realised she hadn't been invited. It was my best friend who kept mentioning it out of the blue and then someone else blurted out it was an actual party. So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties? You would rather leave them out than just invite them? I honestly don't understand how that's not upsetting for my daughter to understand that you are her friend most of the time, but not on her birthday?

The difference is your girl wants to invite said girl to her parties. The other girl, for whatever reason, doesn't.
It's a tad awkward clearly but just because they get on well when you meet up and spend time together it doesn't mean outside of your friend relationship they would, certainly not your friend's daughter.
Your friend feels awkward I wouldn't let her excuses spoil the great times you have together - you and your daughter would be the losers IMO.

I highly doubt the friends' DD knows the school friends that well

It's much harder to mix them as they get older. And it's not fair on the birthday girl to have to shadow the friend's DD so she's not left on her own

I like the idea of celebrating each birthday as a four - mums and daughters

Could it be that the girls are good friends BUT since your dd doesn't know her school friends and she might feel in the middle to entertain both sets? Just like how one would feel hosting people who don't really know each other? I don't think the mum lied but more to save feelings? I would just be more unavailable and definitely not invite her dd. Use the same reason as her and then she will know how it feels.

Does your daughter know the other girls?

Would she mix with them or would the birthday girl have to look after her the whole time?

It really is normal. My kids did the same and we just did something separate with their 'outside' friends

This happens. You move from parties with cousins and parent’s friend’s kids to just school mates. It happens around age 6 upwards I think. Personally I think it’s a relief as they want to play with their best pals at the party and not their mother’s best mates child, you’d feel worse if they invited your daughter and she was pretty much ignored.

Are they in the same school year and are they in the same school?

If she just wants an easy party with 10 of her year 4 classmates then she might not want to invite a y3 who only knows her along. Even an 8 year old knows that it would upset the balance (tho they wouldn’t phrase it like that!).

So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties?
Of course there isn't. Does your friend and her daughter also say your dd is the birthday girls 'bestie'? Would they be friends without your friendship?

But they might just get along fine when you see each other (which is often but presumably you arrange this not the kids) does NOT mean they are best pals outside of this relationship. Don't force it, let them enjoy each others company when you're together and have other friends elsewhere.

My ds 18 has a similar friendship with my best mates son. They get on great, love hanging out together but are very different and have their own quite separate friendship groups.

My best friends and our kids are all super super close but we don’t expect invites to each child’s birthday parties, we do get that tends to be school friends.

Our children have so much quality time together and have grown up alongside each other in ways that far outweighs the school friendships, I honestly think that trumps over some hyped up birthday party for 30 school friends.

I can understand you feel hurt for your daughter but I’d just see this as quite a natural thing and treasure that your children are making memories beyond this party.

No I have never known this, and ive done and been to a lot of parties. We all just invite everyone. They get on great and often make new friends. When I was a kid I was always invited to peoples parties and Mum invited them to mine, no one ever excluded close friends or their children. Seems nasty to me. We sometimes ended up with large numbers but it was more the merrier. And if a kid wanted to bring a siblings, that was fine too! We always massively over cater anyway. Maybe I just live in an extra friendly area? But excluding seems very mean to me.

This.
I was the child who got on really well with my mum's best friend's daughter.
Both mums divorced, a year difference in age. Holidays together, days out. We genuinely got on together. When we weren't in a big group of each other's friends.
She would be invited to my party. She didn't know any of the other invitees who were my friends from school. I was always told "make sure J isn't left on her own"
I have no doubt that the same happened before her parties. By the time we got to 8 or 9, we still went on holiday together but I would utterly dread her birthday party. Because I didn't know anyone apart from her.

It's not a dripfeed @Mummybearto3bg it's what happens. It's normal.

YABU. At that age, it's usually just invite the class where everyone knows each other.

This is my way of thinking 🙈

It’s perfectly normal tbh. Her daughter probably just wants her school friends at this party. Some of us prefer to compartmentalise our friends - I never mix the groups and hated the idea from a young age.

I would offer to take the friends daughter out to do something with your DD that is “special “ for her birthday and try to understand that the party is just a school thing.

DS has a LOT of friends, and remembers every acquaintance or sibling. He would happily name and invite >100 kids to a party; most of both classes, friends from activities, cousins, siblings of friends etc. He can't have a party for >100, so we limit it to top school friends and he runs out of space, having to make hard choices. As soon as one declines he knows who is next. Family get a separate party.

She probably loves your daughter, it's just the nature of parties this age that it's the school group first and tough choices on numbers. Arrange a fun birthday activity instead.

I think your use of the words nasty and mean are very over-the-top here. My kids are young adults now and we all have good relationships with our friends and friends’ children. It was not dependent on being invited to school birthday parties. There is so much more to healthy friendships.

This all feels a little bit petty to me. In my experience, there comes a point where it is just too difficult to accommodate all school friends and all out of school friends, and that’s ok. Maybe you live in a wealthy area where people can cater for 40 plus kids. Nobody we know is that sensitive I guess.

I think some people get over-invested in their children’s friendships and social lives and struggle to separate that from their own. It does not sound that healthy.

It is a difficult one. As a parent, you want your child to have the party they'd like and you obviously want them to enjoy it. At the ages your children are though, I would be having some input into the decisions. If your friend's DD would be genuinely upset at being excluded from your DD's party, then as her mum, I would be explaining that your DD will feel the same. I would want my child to be empathetic. Does your DD know about the party? Hopefully, if not, then your friend can point out to her DD that it would be very unkind to discuss it in front of your DD when you next meet up.

Like I said before OP, some things don't have a clear path or a neat acceptable conclusion. Some things are just a bit tough to swallow and the process is what it is.
Life is a series of variables that shift our perceptions. So yes, this event will likely cause you to view your friend/friendship with a different perspective. Maybe it will hurt but that's experience for you.
Fwiw I don't think your friend has done anything wrong as such...but I do imagine you are tangibly disappointed that they aren't as absolute as you thought.

Wee heads up: no one is.
Lots of love. x

I would think that maybe if it is your friend's daughter's class, your daughter will not know anyone else - so would be left alone a lot?.

She’s done this because your daughter doesn’t know the school friends, and her daughter has most likely said that it’ll be awkward introducing your daughter at her party. I can kind of understand that.
But her downplaying the event is pretty shitty of your friend. Yes, she probably reasons to herself that she’s saving your and daughter’s feelings, but it’s a lie. There’s no getting away from that. I’d personally be bringing it up with her. I’d be candid and tell her I knew about the large party, see if she’ll be honest about it. You can’t really push for an invite at this stage, that would be even more awkward and forced, but it would clear the air and prevent any resentment/future lies.

This is quite normal. The birthday girl wants to hang out with her school friends, if she invited your daughter along(who presumably doesn’t know the school friends?) then she would have to spend the party looking after her as she doesn’t know anyone. It’s not like when they are little and it doesn’t matter if they all know each other or not. It’s ok to choose to keep friendship groups separate.