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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

318 replies

Mummybearto3bg · 10/02/2024 09:11

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

OP posts:
Honeypickle · 10/02/2024 11:21

@Mummybearto3bg this year I haven’t invited my best friend’s child to my child’s birthday party. It has absolutely no reflection on how I feel about them or their child but my child is only having school friends who know each other. This happened with my older DC too, at a certain age, the parties became school only, whole class then down to just a few. Perfectly normal and you shouldn’t take it personally at all.

SummerDays2020 · 10/02/2024 11:24

It's not necessarily about how close you and your bestie are and the 2 girls, it's that it's all school friends so your DD would be the odd one out. Most people when doing a class party do not invite family members or family friends. If you're so close wouldn't you just do a birthday tea or something on her actual birthday or close to it?

I think your friend didn't want to hurt your feelings as this seems to be so important to you so tried to play it down. I think you should let your DD invite her school friends to her party and not bestie's DD as she will feel left out, even if not obvious to you. Then have a birthday tea with bestie and the 2 girls.

Springpug · 10/02/2024 11:24

I raised 4 DC..you end up being relieved when you don't get an invite
Kids are fickle,
Just distract your dd if she finds out ,do something nice yourselves
It's just life
Everyone can't go to everything

chantelion · 10/02/2024 11:24

I don't think you should do/say anything as you have received multiple reasonable explanations. Whether she has the space for 100 kids is neither here nor there. And she probably doesn't want to fall out with you too. So I think it's most likely her dd who is the reason.
And then most likely your dd views her as closer than the other way around. Something for you to think about. I wouldn't invite the dd to your dd's birthday. That would be the opportunity to then address it, depending on what reason/ reaction they give.

springbrigid · 10/02/2024 11:25

Take it at face value - they’re only including school friends. You could organise a little get together to celebrate the birthday with just the two girls

PhoenixStarbeamer · 10/02/2024 11:27

Sadly they seem to not be as close as you thought. I'd feel really left out.

Mariposistaaa · 10/02/2024 11:30

It’s you and your friends who are BFF, not the children.

Fieldsofclover12 · 10/02/2024 11:31

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Maybe it wasn't the 8yo's decision.

This is very true. Even worse if it was the adult doing this.

OP I guess we all have to accept that some people are more sensitive/empathetic than others. People cannot help feeling hurt if it is in their nature to be this way. That doesn't make their feelings wrong, unreasonable or silly. I personally would not have excluded your DD whilst happily accepting invitations each year from you for your DD's birthday. That just doesn't sit right with me.

Namechangenamechange321 · 10/02/2024 11:31

it may be that your friend thinks it would be awkward for your DD to be the only one who didn’t know the other children. Or your friend’s daughter might think it could be awkward and doesn’t want to feel split between friends. She might worry about your DD being left out and feel she can’t relax for wondering if your DD is having a nice time. I don’t think it means that either your friend or her daughter don’t value the close relationships you all have. They might just find it easier to compartmentalise things. I think I’d be hurt for my child too, but would try to think of it in terms of the above. I hope you don’t fall out over this. It would be a shame

glusky · 10/02/2024 11:34

I think this is fairly normal. My kids have some close family friends who used to come to parties but it mutually stopped about this age. The social groups are more established and it's harder for a random child who doesn't know the others to fit in. It is socially quite challenging for an 8 year old birthday child to manage mixing friends who don't know each other. It's not like when they are little and just run around happily after balloons. It was normal and acceptable in our circles (though certainly not universal) to have a school friends only party or a gymnastics friends only party.

It's easy to say the lying is the worst bit, but people only do it to save your feelings. Sometimes more successfully than others.

However I would have invited your daughter out for a little trip separately as a birthday treat. My son (autistic) has been invited like this a few times and it does soften the blow, though it doesn't stop it stinging.

Amba1998 · 10/02/2024 11:35

Yep I’m in the camp of let them choose their own friends. My daughter isn’t even in pre school and she’s already got her little besties . I hate it when people force their kids to be friends with their own friends kids

rickyrickygrimes · 10/02/2024 11:36

By this age we mostly stuck to school friends only. This meant that most of my friends children, who didn’t go to DSs school but who he’d known since birth, weren’t invited to his birthday parties . It started getting a bit awkward in the years leading up - at some point children stop just playing with whatever other similarly aged kids happen to be around, and start to prefer their own friendship group. DS was torn between his daily school friendship group, and his older friends who didn’t know his school friends.

i think it’s quite normal, albeit a hard lesson in growing up for your dd.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/02/2024 11:38

I think you're overthinking this, OP.

When kids are little, their friends are often the friends of their parent's friends. As they grow older, their own independent friendships inevitably grow more important.

This is a class party with her school friends. Having an extra kid who isn't part of that group would change the dynamic and make your friend's dd responsible for ensuring that your dd isn't left out... maybe she just wants her dd to relax and have fun instead?

It doesn't mean that your friend and her dc don't like your dd or that they don't value the relationships that they have with you both. They just want to have a class party with her school friends, and your dd isn't part of that group.

I think you need to accept that they may grow apart when they're older anyway. My dd used to be inseparable from my closest friend's dd when they were younger - days out, sleepovers, holidays etc. However, they grew apart as teenagers because they're very different people - they will take a polite interest in each other if they meet, but nothing more. It hasn't affected my friendship with the mum in the slightest - we're still as close as we always were, because we both understand that things change as kids get older, and that's fine.

rickyrickygrimes · 10/02/2024 11:38

Btw DS is now 16 and has maintained friendships- independently of us mums - with all his playgroup / non school friends. One he actually does go to school with now although quite separate friendship groups, and they still don’t go to each others parties 😂. But they are firm friends nonetheless.

Goldbar · 10/02/2024 11:39

If the DD can only have up to 30 children and she's inviting the whole class, then it makes perfect sense that you are "back-up" and only invited if someone drops out. All 30 places will presumably be needed in case the whole class accepts!

We have done the same... Invited the whole class, a few couldn't come, so I asked some friends of mine whose DC my child likes spending time with if their children would like to come for soft play and pizza.

Also I wouldn't invite sometime to a whole class party if I actually wanted to speak to them or if they/their child required a lot of "input" on my part. The class parents know each other, they know the drill, they're perfectly happy to chat aimlessly to each other while I run around like a headless chicken. They don't require any "hosting". If I actually wanted to catch up with a friend and their child, I'd do it separately rather than inviting them to the scrum of a class party.

vincettenoir · 10/02/2024 11:42

Generally speaking I don't invite friends' kids to my dd's birthday and don't expect my dd to be invited to theirs.

But in the circs you describe I think it's a shame your dd is not invited because they are friends and close in age.

It is likely down to numbers and venue size. Perhaps it's the kid who chooses and she invites the kids she sees more at school. But still, I completely see where you're coming from. I would see it more of a shame / missed opportunity than a rejection.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/02/2024 11:43

And yes, this:

It is socially quite challenging for an 8 year old birthday child to manage mixing friends who don't know each other. It's not like when they are little and just run around happily after balloons.

I wanted to say something like this in my post but couldn't find the right words.@glusky has put it perfectly.

user1492757084 · 10/02/2024 11:43

The Mum is just making the party a school friends party this year. It's a change.
It's healthy for your DDs to not always have the same social groupings. It gives them practice at socialising differently and not always in their comfort zone.
Maybe the Mun wishes to have the smallest number of kids possible this year and knows you will understand.

Your friendship will cope.
Your girls will still like each other.

StarvingMarvin222 · 10/02/2024 11:48

Maybe they don't have that much in common anymore.
Kids grow up and make their own decision about who to invite.
Don't take it personally, maybe your DD can find friends who have more in common with her.

DinaofCloud9 · 10/02/2024 11:50

She's just inviting her school mates and she's fine to do this. You're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

hellsBells246 · 10/02/2024 11:50

I can totally understand your pov, and I'd be upset too.

I think it would be ok if your friend's dd was happy not to be invited to your DD's party, but if she's still expecting an invite, then that's not fair.

I don't like your friend lying to you either. That's not kind or necessary.

I'd probably tell her what I've said here, see what she says.

AgentJohnson · 10/02/2024 11:51

I would question a friendship where neither of you could be honest.

There were times when my daughter was invited to parties and didn’t reciprocate simply because she didn’t see her birthday party as a tit for tat occasion.

I understand your sensitivity because your DD’s SEN but I think you’re too invested in keeping the intensity of their friendship alive. For you, inviting this girl to your DD’s parties because you don’t want her to be left out is reason enough but not everyone agrees that sentiment.

pootlin · 10/02/2024 11:56

If her daughter wasn't invited to my daughters party, her dd would be really upset (genuinely)

Well, that’s too bad for her.

No more invites for your friend’s dd.

You don’t even have to tell your friend about your dd’s parties anymore.

And if your friend says anything tell her ‘I thought we weren’t doing birthday party invites anymore as dd wasn’t invited to your dd’s party’.

TempleOfBloom · 10/02/2024 11:57

School friend groups are different from family gathering friends, a difference that becomes more apparent as they get older.

If you continue to dwell on this you will cause strain and tension on the family friendship.

delphi13 · 10/02/2024 11:57

My best friend and I used to invite each others kids until about the age of 5. My son used to hate it because he didn't know anyone at the friends party and O presume it was similar for my friend's kid so we stopped and stuck to class parties. They absolutely get on great when we meet up though. My sister still invites us to class parties for her kids so we reciprocate but luckily I've got two kids so they can play with each other and not be left out because they absolutely do not end up mixing with the school friends. I'd prefer it if we all just met up separately for the birthdays with family now as it's less pressure and my son doesn't really enjoy the party activities they do but I don't want to offend my sister. My kids complain quite a lot about having to go though.

I think you are being a bit blinkered in not understanding why your friend would do this. It's her daughter's party and she shouldn't have to be responsibly for making sure someone isn't left out. She should just get to have fun with her school friends. It's really very normal which you can see by the absolute vast majority of the responses that are pointing this out. You mainly seem to be selecting the tiny amount that feel like you to confirm your own feelings.