Best friend not inviting my daughter to her daughters birthday party

[Mummybearto3bg]

Aibu? I'd like other people's point of view, not so I can do something about it, but to know my place.
My best friends daughter is less than a year older than mine. They are 8 and 7. Known each other all their lives. Her daughter has obviously always been invited to every party every year. Last year I realised my daughter was only invited to her daughters birthday because someone had dropped out (last minute invite) but I gave the benefit of doubt. This year, no invite at all. Actually said "we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends". Turns out it's an actual party somewhere with more than just a few. A whole class. My daughter is sen but well behaved and really loving. She adores my best friends daughter. How would you look at it?

I agree with this

Exactly this, especially if they are not even in the same year/class.

So just to be clear, there's not an unwritten rule that means you always invite your besties daughter because they are also besties?

Every parent will deal with if differently, so some will force their child to accept that Auntie Sharon's child is coming whether they like it or not, and other parents will let their child choose who they want to invite.

It sounds like your friend has done the latter, which is perfectly normal. You don't know what conversations have gone on behind the scenes, but I can see why an 8 year old wants her class friends at her party and not a younger family friend (and the age difference of a school year can be huge at 8, despite it seeming irrelevant to you).

I would suggest you all go out for a meal or something to celebrate her birthday if you want your DD to be involved. It's natural that children's friendships like this will ebb and flow over the years so try not to take it personally.

Relationships mature just because she wasn’t invited doesn’t mean they aren’t friends. We all have different friendship groups that’s normal.
Why not start a different tradition invite the other family out for a girly near birthday treat. This could be more personal and enjoyable for both girls.
I know change is hard but try not to take this to heart x

Family friends children were invited until about year 1 then it was class friends by that age. Quite easy to navigate and wasn’t really a problem. Only difference was that we were honest and didn’t hide the fact that at that age they want to choose their own party mates.

I think this thread will go the way of so many wedding threads with the theme of 'it's not about whose birthday/wedding it is! It's about the guests and what THEY want, how selfish to assume you can invite who you want to your party!'...

Does your daughter know any of your friend’s daughters other friends? If not, she’s likely to feel the odd one out if she went. If she was invited along with with a load of the girl’s school friends who know each other well, at that age they’d probably stick together and she’d feel even more sidelined and hurt.

My best friend has a daughter the same age as mine (now adults) and they get on great when they see each other, but we stopped inviting them each other’s parties at the age of about 5. They didn’t go to the same school and had no mutual friends, so by 7 or 8 they definitely had their own separate friendship groups.

By the way, if your DD has a party, don’t invite the friend’s daughter as it definitely goes both ways. There’s no reason why they still can’t enjoy hanging out together when you and your friend meet up.

It’s sad but you can’t do much about it I’m afraid 🥲

You haven't answered whether they go to school or not?

My DD is similar age and a lot of parents just do a school class party, it changes the dynamic if there are other kids there.

I think its weird of your friend to not just say they're doing a class party only though

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not inviting your DD. At that age they are developing their own friendships rather than being friends just because their parents are close. When my DD was in nursery I formed a close friendship group with 3 other mums, and 16 years later we are still close (we were out together last night, in fact). Of the four girls, my DD is still close friends with one of them, knows the other well enough to have a chat if they meet on the street, and the other she doesn’t talk to at all - no reason, they just don’t. It doesn’t mean your friend’s DD doesn’t like your DD. It just means that she doesn’t see her as a close friend - and that might be sad for your DD but it’s not unexpected. Kids develop different friendships as their tastes and interests change. It’s part of growing up. Your friend shouldn’t have lied to you but did so because she didn’t want to hurt you or your daughter. I’d encourage your daughter to explore other friendships groups. It’s not good for her to be too reliant on one friend.

Very kindly, I think it’s understandable if the older child only wants school friends there, or at least friends her own age. She won’t want to be looking after a younger child who doesn’t know anyone else, making the effort to include her etc She’ll want to relax and be herself.

Do you think also what comes across as “very loving” to you might come across as a bit clingy to a child one year older?

Op I have kids with sen. I think they may be the kinds of people who compartmentalise . You and your daughter are good for holidays. You arent part of the school party bunch. Id be so upset and wary of the relationship. If its the daughters choice to not your daughter, then same rules can apply to your daughter. If it's the mum leading on this, then you may need to rethink things

I think it's completely normal. Her daughter may love your daughter like a sister...but not everyone wants their sister at a birthday party for their friends. If every single other person at the party is in the same class at school and knows each other really well and your daughter doesnt know anyone well other than birthday girl then it will completely change the dynamic of the party from birthday girls perspective as the birthday girl is likely to want to hang out with her and she may be worried that she is going to have to look out for your daughter, check she is not on her own etc. It's like you taking a school friend on a work night out, might be fine but you're going to be making sure all night that your school friend isn't on her own etc

I forgot to ask, was the party an activity your child would struggle with?

Though I agree the lying about it isn't nice, there is nothing wrong with saying its classmates only this year

It’s a whole class party. Your daughter might only know her daughter and therefore her daughter would have to prioritise your daughter over her school friends who are probably her BEST friends to prevent her being left out .
It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your daughter.

Mine are 12 and 8 . Generally with parties we didn’t mix groups of friends so the birthday child didn’t have to choose so a party with friends from a club or party with friends from school or a tea party with ‘family friends’.

I have Mum friends locally, one of whom has dds at my dds school (hers are twins, all are 15). They’re not mates any more although they get on fine, aren’t enemies. They just have different interests. They wouldn’t invite each other to stuff.

Another friend in the group, her twins go to a different school but still have loads in common with my Dd. Just how it goes.

I think if I were in your shoes I’d have second thoughts about accepting if she were invited tbh as it’s a recipe for someone being upset on the day.

At this age we’d separated out of school friends and school friends parties, couldn’t do with the shyness, awkwardness that mixing friendship groups (at that age) can bring, how would your DD feel if her friend wanted to hang out with her besties from school? We would do a party for school friends, not always big every year, maybe a cinema trip for select few and then have a birthday tea at our house inviting family and close friends. It’s really not unusual to separate off, and one of you has to be the first.

When our kids were small they went to each other parties, but once at school this fizzled out. They form their own friendships and don’t consider their mums friends children as their friends…
My daughter will hang out with my friends children when we meet up, but wouldn’t go out of her way to seek them out …
Don't take it personally, it’s just part of growing up, if her child is the elder one and a year above at school it wouldn’t cross her mind to invite a young kid.. especially if your daughter then only knows the party girl and will cling to her.

This for me, parties change once they’re at school. It’s a shame your friend felt she couldn’t be honest with you, maybe she took the easy option or maybe she was avoiding a reaction from you, who knows. Just talk to her if you’re as close as your OP suggests!

Kids will get along on holiday though as they only have that friend to get along with.

8 years and all of her classmates, I can totally see why your daughter isn't invited, it's because it's just classmates. Friends daughter probably doesn't want to be worrying whether she is okay, or that she's feeling left out.

I think it's the best thing all round.

Not sure what you mean by silence. There's nothing to say. It doesn't stop you adults being friends though.

Maybe your friend gets on with other Mums who will be there and doesn't want to worry whether you are okay or not.

These things just happen naturally, no need to put any spin on it or look for nefarious reasons.

"we're not doing anything this year, just a few school friends"
I think all the posters who are joining the rage of she LIED!!! it's a school class!
aren't helping, if my dc had ALL their school friends they'd have more than just their class. I think it's bonkers all the rage that a child has chosen who she wants to come to her party!

By the way, if your DD has a party, don’t invite the friend’s daughter as it definitely goes both ways.

I’d leave that entirely up to the op’s daughter, if she wants to invite the girl. Why play tit-for-tat, when the op’s friend probably felt she was in a very awkward position?

Your daughters are not best friends. They happen to be friendly as you guys go away together. You need to seperate your friendship from the kids. If friends dd wanted her invited then she would but obviously she doesn't. Not all friendship groups mix easily and perhaps the girl just wants her school friends