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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my boss contact my husband?

320 replies

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Changingplace · 10/02/2024 08:05

I think your boss shouldn’t have done this, I think it was from a place of concern for you but it was wrong of them.

Yes I would speak to your boss and to HR, this isn’t right.

itsnotabouthepasta · 10/02/2024 08:05

But isn’t it a sign of a good boss who has a)noticed that your not yourself and b) tried to reach out for support for you.

yes it's an overreach but I would see the intentions as good. It depends on the relationship you have with your boss and the type of employer you work for

HelplessSoul · 10/02/2024 08:07

Your boss is way out of line.

He should accept what you say and not need it validated by your other half.

I'd be launching a grievance on his ass for this - its outside of his remit to go asking, what is effectively a third party about your alleged well being and all that other baloney.

Overtime isnt mandatory. Tell your boss to get to fuck.

RedHelenB · 10/02/2024 08:07

Maybe in theory he shouldn't have done this but personally I'd be glad my boss was looking out for me. No need for your eh to get more stressed.

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:08

I think I’d speak to your boss. Not go to hr.

but why has it caused a problem at home?

Onabench · 10/02/2024 08:08

I think boss is overstepping and I’d be really annoyed. The only time I’d expect them to reach out to family is if I was literally uncontactable.

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:09

Op, what exactly is going on at home?

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2024 08:10

That was not only inappropriate but potentially dangerous.
What if your husband was an abuser? That phone call could have seen you beaten to a pulp.
There are good and bad ways to try to help and support someone. He chose a bad way.

I would report it to hr pointing out that fortunately you aren't in that situation but that he could have put a woman at risk.

StephanieSuperpowers · 10/02/2024 08:10

I think this was probably coming from a place of genuine concern so while it's inappropriate, I don't think the hr route is right. I'd just have a quiet word.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 10/02/2024 08:10

I’d be absolutely furious about this and I really like my boss but I’d be making it clear it is unacceptable in future.
His intentions may be good but he doesn’t know about your home life - your husband might be abusive and he could have made it worse.
Im curious whether he’d have reached out to the wife if this was a male colleague

SgtJuneAckland · 10/02/2024 08:10

What dangerous behaviour!! Yes good he noticed, and that he spoke to you. What if the train you were like that was that your husband was abusive/aggressive/controlling etc, he would've just made your life ten times worse.
I have a member of staff whose behaviour changed last year, I have spoken to her regularly, check in, she started to open up about home stresses and then eventually her husband's behaviour, God only knows what could've happened to her if I'd text him.

skybluekitty · 10/02/2024 08:11

That's really overstepping and I would be furious. Your boss knows nothing about your home life really - what if you had been quiet because your husband was abusive and this contact triggers something that would make you unsafe?

The only acceptable time for your boss to contact your next of kin is if you were taken ill at work and not able to contact them yourself, or if you didn't show up for work and they couldn't get hold of you (for welfare reasons). My husband actually worked at the same place as me for years and my boss still wouldn't have contacted him about me.

I would report this to HR, it's not on.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/02/2024 08:12

He cared. It was done from a place of concern. You've told him life is exhausting. He doesn't know your husband's circumstances, nor should he. But he was worried about and tried to help.

We are always told to check in on our friends who seem to be struggling. Mental health is a huge thing now and I think his heart was in the right place. As I already said, he's not to know your husband's mental health is the cause of your stress. Is your husband getting help for this?

If your husband's boss was as concerned for him as your boss is for you maybe your husband wouldn't be under quite so much pressure now.

It might feel inappropriate, but I do think it came from a genuine place.

NotAgainWilson · 10/02/2024 08:13

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

Everybody has stressful times at work but you seem to be tip toeing around your husband a bit too much.

Does his stress have you and the kids walking on eggshells? Is he being nasty sometimes?

I guess there is more to it than the issue at work, but you are right, your boss SHOULD NOT have contacted him, if he is even slightly abusive this may have made things even
more difficult at home.

Speckledpasta · 10/02/2024 08:14

What is your husbands stress and how is it manifesting?

Your boss was clearly concerned enough to notice you weren't yourself, to speak to you and then to contact your NoK. May not have been the right channels but I'd be questioning whether the boss has a point.

LakieLady · 10/02/2024 08:14

I think it's a breach of your privacy and way out of line.

If you generally get on well with your boss, I'd speak to them directly and explain that your husband is having a tough time atm and that their approach has actually made things worse for you both, and not to do it again.

If things are more formal or difficult, I'd raise it with HR and let them deal with it.

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:15

I’m worried your husband is abusive. I can’t for a moment perceive why this text has caused you more issues. In a healthy relationship your husband would be aware of you not doing overtime and why. And I am struggling to comprehend why you’re quiet at work due to his stress.

is there something you habe not said here op. Do you need help?

Tempnamechng · 10/02/2024 08:15

On the one hand if your boss is genuinely concerned about you, you have a good relationship with your boss and he knows your dh reasonably well, then he did a nice intended thing. Badly judged, but meant from a place of genuine care. On the other hand, I remember doing a YTS. I had a bad week so the lady I was working for phoned my mum to "express concern", which I found infantising and patronising even as a 16yo. I would be furious if a boss took the same approach now I'm in my 40s.
This shouldn't really have caused problems at home though, what's going on?

Pancakedayisthebest · 10/02/2024 08:16

Not right. There's a tinge of "let the men speak man to man about this silly woman"

Nousernamesleftatall · 10/02/2024 08:17

How is your husband’s stress manifesting? It all sounds a bit odd though. Are you walking on eggshells?

Lonecatwithkitten · 10/02/2024 08:17

Really poor practice part of my leadership training covered this as putting potentially vulnerable person at further risk if there is abuse at home.

ShoesoftheWorld · 10/02/2024 08:18

Unacceptable and potentially dangerous behaviour from your boss. I would not be reporting to HR etc, but I would be speaking kindly to your boss to say that, while you appreciate he meant well, it has made things more difficult for you, and perhaps mention other ways he could support you instead. But, like other posters, I would be reflecting on why this has made things more difficult (if my dh got a message like this from my boss he would tell me but in a bemused way, not angrily) and why you are tiptoeing so much around his work stress/how it is expressing itself.

daisybrown37 · 10/02/2024 08:19

While you could raise it formally or go to HR - would this cause you more stress? Would it be better to speak to your boss and say that while you appreciate his concern, it was inappropriate to speak to your husband about it and to not do that again.

crumpet · 10/02/2024 08:21

GDPR breach

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 10/02/2024 08:22

Hi, HR bod here, your manager was seriously wrong to do this. Intentions are irrelevant. 1)He could really put an employee in danger. 2) He's using your personal info (emergency contact) for a purpose your company doesn't have permission for as this was far from an emergency welfare check. 3) it's incredibly paternalistic to go to your husband about a concern rather than just speaking to you.

It sounds as though his professional boundaries have blurred as he was in contact with your husband over your party. He is not a family friend.

I would speak to him about it though rather than HR, if he's generally a good boss. Point out all of the above and get him to delete your husband's number. He shouldn't really have it. Emergency contact number should be held in HR.

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