Can my boss contact my husband?

[ajdjad]

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

No, it's unethical, though well meant.
Speak to your boss directly (explain how you feel and request him not do that again) and also ask him to please delete your husband's ph number from his data base.
Only if you get no satisfaction from a polite meeting with boss would I alert HR.
Just my opinion - HR makes it a bigger problem where as you know you just want to stop it happening, want an apology and for boss to understand there will be no overtime if you don't want it - that's your decision and he should respect it.

You can't change what has already happened.

Can you imagine even a great boss, messaging the wife of a subordinate to ask if her husbands OK because he's not working as much as he could?

OP you said no, and you were undermined, in both your professional and personal life. If you have a HR department, I would complain.

Also it's pretty creepy, and can easily be seen as a form of bullying

Lines have become a bit blurred for some reason, but it’s not right no. The main reason seems to be because you’re not doing overtime so something must be wrong - none of his business why and anyway you’d already explained. I’d be giving him a stern telling off - possibly not involving HR at this stage, I’d try and deal with it yourself initially.

I am presuming your boss is female?

If so, I think she is probably coming from a place of seeing you burnt out and trying to help/ support you. Maybe has been there herself.

But still not her place to contact him.

That's entirely the point. Her boss shouldn't be making it so difficult for people to decline overtime that they feel they have to disclose private personal information. It should be easy enough to say "no thank you".

The answer is no. Your boss cannot contact your husband without a good reason as outline in most good company policies.

Your boss absolutely overstepped the nark and if circumstances were different, they could have placed you in considerable danger. No amount if good intentions mitigate this.

However you know your boss better than any of us posting. Can a chat with them about overstepping resolve this satisfactorily? I would only got to HR if the matter cannot be resolved between you.

I think it overstepped the mark and is it a big selfish as your boss wants this sorted out so work is covered?

also your husbands work shouldn’t be making your own life stressful (is he a bit selfish too) ??

So when we give our phone number or someone for one reason are they not allowed to ring us for a different reason?

If Im part of a group to organise a party would it be a GDPR breach for another member of the group to ring me to ask my advice on a non party matter for example

That doesn't sound right

No, I don't like this at all. I've a feeling they're just miffed because you aren't working OT! I hope things get better for your DH soon, how awful that he's having this trouble after 20 years service.

It really depends on exactly what was said in the message. I would be furious TBF

Go to HR, it’s sneaky and a misuse of private information. It doesn’t matter if he’s trying to be caring or concerned. A boss is just there to be your boss not a friend or someone who cares about you personally

Talk to ACAS first thing on Monday - your employer cannot legally harass you to do overtime. Many people can't do overtime at all for tax reasons, and its supposed to be voluntary.

Contacting your husband is a second issue, its a breach of GDPR. You might want to report him to ICO.

It's overstepping. But on another note, I was you a few years ago, cutting down on my work and my life to take stress from my partner and it didn't so either of us any good. And my job definitely noticed. So make sure you are looking after yourself in all of this . Your husband has to manage his own life, you can't fix it x

Yes, you've got it right. That is exactly the case.
A phone number given for one purpose should not be used for another. One needs to be trustworthy and very professional with work place numbers.

I think what your boss did was inappropriate and must never happen again. I also think they meant well.

It doesn't need a grievance and a trip to HR buy you do need to have a conversation with your boss and make it clear they overstepped a boundary and you didn't like it. You aren't going to make a huge fuss but others might have done and he could have landed himself in hot water.

If the boss asking if she is ok is causing so much more stress at home then maybe there are issues that need to be resolved at home....

Yes the boss shouldn't reach out but then it seems things really are not going well and is causing enough concern from the boss and the resulting "causing more stress at home" raises so many alarm bells for me.

While she can report to HR if she wants, I don't think the boss reaching out is the main issue here, and reporting to HR seems to be a deflection from the real underlying issues.

But my example isn't anything to do with a. workplace, are you saying that all members of WhatsApp groups should be registering for gdpr?

Often on here there are threads about school WhatsApp group numbers being used to contact parents about other matters, the world's gone mad if that's against gdpr

Really? So if her husband was an abuser your priority is reporting her boss for being concerned about her. Yeah that's the priority indeed.

OPs response that her boss reaching out to see if she is ok is raising so many red flags and OP is deflecting by focusing on her boss and reporting to HR rather than dealing with what's going on in her home. The fact her boss was concerned enough to reach out shows it is starting to affect other areas of her life.

I think intent is a big part of it and It's not like this was done with harmful intent. You still haven't said how this has caused a problem at home but I think it came from a decent and caring place by a boss who obviously cares about their staff, so I would treat carefully with how you respond. This has the potential to leave your boss thinking 'fuck her then, that's the last time I bother trying to help her out', and ruining your working relationship together by causing an unbearable atmosphere if you go piling in with HR over something this minor. And in the greater scheme of things it is a pretty minor issue. Maybe things are more noticeable than you think. Perhaps your work has deteriorated without you realising and your boss was genuinely worried about you.

I'm sorry but her explanation doesn't justify her reaction and to me there a lot more going on behind the scenes. She should speak to her manager and HR and everything should be kept official. What she is walking into is a situation where even if people have concerns they should mind their business.

Really he is stressed at work so she is walking on eggshells at home to avoid "stressing him" because you know picking his kids from school just may push him over the edge. If you don't think there's more to this then I'll sell you the Eiffel tower for £1m.

@VisionsOfSplendour in the example you gave, individuals have offered their contact details in a social setting and their details would continue to be used in a social setting so no change of use. In the OP’s case, her boss having her DH’s details was originally used in a social setting but they then used it for business reasons. That’s a change of use and against GDPR.

No I can’t see how it explains it either, he knows her boss, how is a text saying is your wife ok, she’s not doing any overtime, adding to the stress or causing a problem. It’s illogical.

What the manager has done is a massive breach. Their intentions might have been good but that's not the point.

The OP has said they're not in an abusive relationship but the manager doesn't know this. They don't know what the home situation is.

What if the OP was using the 'overtime' hours to meet a lover/have a second job/go for a needed lone coffee to get some peace for a couple of hours. That's her business not her husband's.

What if she didn't want to do the overtime but had told her husband there wasn't any available to avoid pressure to do it.

At the very least the manager needs to be told they cannot do this again with anyone. I'd be fucking furious.

I would tell him straight it was inappropriate to contact your husband. How would he like it if people starting texting his Mrs asking why he was a miserable sod and not doing enough extra hours? Tell him to delete DH's number now in front of you/ block him. Then explain that if he wishes to ask something about my health it's me and only me he should be speaking to, and I will be under no obligation to answer either. I take it you and this boss aren't friends outside work, he did not have your husband's number because they were pally and chatted? To be honest this is so horrible I think I would also speak to HR. It could be a safety concern in some cases. Not all women live in safe homes, or might not want their partner to know how many hours they were doing etc. He was bang out of order.

It's not illogical at all.

OP says her husband is really struggling at work and under a huge amount of stress. She also says he's the main earner by quite a long way (implying they're reliant on his salary more than they are hers).

The last thing he needs in that scenario is his wife's boss messaging him out of the blue to check on her wellbeing, simply because she's not taken on any overtime recently. Not only is it completely inappropriate and unprofessional, it's also bound to worry the DH and increase his stress levels even more.

I really can't believe people are defending the managers' actions here. I was in management for years and if I'd done something like this, I would expect to receive a formal warning at absolute minimum. You can't just message your employees' partners and check up on them when you feel like it!