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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my boss contact my husband?

320 replies

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 10/02/2024 09:21

My boss did this when I was off sick following a bereavement. I was genuinely off sick-I caught covid at my mums funeral (probably) and was very rough with it. I'd been I touch with my manager as per procedure and all was fine. But my boss, one above my line manager contacted my husband using my emergency next of kin details to see if if I was really ill or 'just upset due to my mum'. I was fucking livid. I complained about her to HR or our HR person-it was a small start up company-but nothing happened and I left eventually as o could t get over the arrogance of it!

rainbowstardrops · 10/02/2024 09:24

I'd be really cross if my boss went behind my back. They should have been asking you if there's anything they could do to support you.
I don't know about going to HR but I'd definitely be having words with your boss.

neverbeenskiing · 10/02/2024 09:25

So many people are spectacularly missing the point here. OP's manager having "good intentions" and their "heart being in the right place" is not relevant. As a Manager, you are bound by your organisations policies and procedures. You can be kind and caring towards your staff while still maintaining professional boundaries. If you are concerned about an employee you raise your concerns through the proper channels, not by texting their spouse behind their back to pry into their personal life! OP is not a child, she is entitled to choose how much of her personal life she shares with colleagues.

The issue of Domestic Abuse is, of course, pertinent given that we know it is so prevalent and often hidden. But there are many other reasons why OP, or her DH, may not want to disclose their personal/family circumstances to her Manager. OP's DH could be suffering from a serious illness or something traumatic could have happened to him. The marraige could be going through a rocky patch, they could be struggling with infertility or someone could have been unfaithful. Or maybe nothing sinister is going on at all but they are just private people! The Manager has no idea what is going on for OP's DH and he/she is not entitled to know.

I also note the references to overtime and that the Manager even mentioned this in the text to OP's DH. This makes me question whether he/she is acting out of genuine concern, or whether they have their own agenda. OP should not be pressured into taking extra shifts and nor should she have to give away personal/family information she is not comfortable disclosing in order to justify working her contracted hours.

NarnianQueen · 10/02/2024 09:26

It's an abuse of power. If your boss hasn't had your dh's number they would have just had to take your word for it that you were OK.

Also I'm not sure why everyone is jumping to conclusions about your dh, I think it's pretty normal to be annoyed if someone adds to your spouse's stress.

TimetoPour · 10/02/2024 09:27

I’m sure your boss thought they were doing the right thing and had good intentions at the time. They had been given your DH number in relation to a non-work event and had not had to access your information through company records so no breech of confidential info.

Realistically, it was a breech of your trust and overstepping the relationship between colleagues. It could also be dangerous to other members of staff in the event of an abusive relationship.

I would have a quiet word and see what the manager has to say. If they are apologetic and recognise their actions were inappropriate, I would leave it there. If not, escalate it to HR.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/02/2024 09:30

The only time I have contacted an employees husband was when I had a 12 digit number for her in our HR portal, she had been off suddenly for 3 days with no contact and I needed to follow our AWOL processes.

Your manager has overstepped here, but I would see it as coming fr a genuine place of concern. Why did you not fully explain what's going on with you and why your not taking overtime?

neverbeenskiing · 10/02/2024 09:32

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/02/2024 09:30

The only time I have contacted an employees husband was when I had a 12 digit number for her in our HR portal, she had been off suddenly for 3 days with no contact and I needed to follow our AWOL processes.

Your manager has overstepped here, but I would see it as coming fr a genuine place of concern. Why did you not fully explain what's going on with you and why your not taking overtime?

She doesn't have to explain! OP's Manager is not entitled to information about her DH's Mental Health and she should not have to justify working her contracted hours.

NewYearNewJob2024 · 10/02/2024 09:39

I would not be happy with this at all and it is really inappropriate.

I don't think it matters how he obtained your husband's number, he should not have discussed anything relating to you regarding work with him. Yes, I accept his intentions have come from a caring place, however, what happens at work is between employer and employee...nobody else!

Flamme · 10/02/2024 09:45

From your boss's point of view, when s/he dealt with your husband previously your husband was planning something nice for you. It sounds very much as if your boss was genuinely doing what s/he thought would be helpful. Yes, explain matters to your boss, but I can't really see that this Is something to take to HR.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 10/02/2024 09:46

neverbeenskiing · 10/02/2024 09:32

She doesn't have to explain! OP's Manager is not entitled to information about her DH's Mental Health and she should not have to justify working her contracted hours.

Show quote history

But wouldn't it be so much easier?

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 09:52

Flamme · 10/02/2024 09:45

From your boss's point of view, when s/he dealt with your husband previously your husband was planning something nice for you. It sounds very much as if your boss was genuinely doing what s/he thought would be helpful. Yes, explain matters to your boss, but I can't really see that this Is something to take to HR.

Edited

Then they need extra training, as that message isn't in any way helpful, is a breach of privacy and could be dangerous.

There are plenty of things ,procedures and policies available to a manager can do to help a struggling employee, none of them involve messaging that employee's family members . There's a reason for that.

Thegoodbadandugly · 10/02/2024 09:53

He probably shouldn't have done it however it sounds like he's done it from a place of concern which is lovely that he cares.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2024 09:56

So he wants you to do overtime, so he's trying to get your husband to get you to do it?

Absolutely nothing to do with him

It's like he's treating your husband like your 'home' boss.

No! Definitely tell him not to do that again, for all the reasons given on this thread

PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 10:00

Thegoodbadandugly · 10/02/2024 09:53

He probably shouldn't have done it however it sounds like he's done it from a place of concern which is lovely that he cares.

Is it ? Is it really?

Nothing lovely or caring about any of it.

SarahAndQuack · 10/02/2024 10:00

That's really out of line. It's not 'lovely' at all - putting pressure on you to take optional overtime isn't great in itself, but contacting your husband about it is appalling. I don't believe for a minute that anyone responsible enough to be someone's boss, is dim enough not to understand the implications of this sort of thing.

SarahAndQuack · 10/02/2024 10:01

And surely, if the boss is so 'lovely' and 'cares' so much, they could simply have had another talk to the OP and offered some support directly?!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 10/02/2024 10:03

It's completely inappropriate and absolutely not "lovely" or "thoughtful" or "caring".

Unless there's a medical emergency, the boss has no business contacting anyone's spouse and checking up on them. I'm stunned that so many people are defending it.

Jl2014 · 10/02/2024 10:03

No your boss should absolutely not have texted your husband. Potentially came from good intentions but still- that’s a no go.

2catsandhappy · 10/02/2024 10:18

If my boss had contacted my abusive ex with concerns, it would have tipped my ex into a violent rage. It would have been 'proof' there was 'something going on'
My ex would have used this as evidence to punish me over and over.

Your boss is so completely out of line I would consider this a disiplinary matter.
It is only luck that this contact is embarrasing and not catastrophic.

AllstarFacilier · 10/02/2024 10:19

I think he’s come from a good place but gone about it wrong, so I’d just tell him that he’s added more stress and what could have happened if your circumstances were different. If you’re very upset and want him to be properly spoken to then I’d involve HR, but I personally would bring it up with him myself.

LadyLapsang · 10/02/2024 10:22

Your boss was in the wrong but you / your DH blurred professional lines by texting each other about the social event previously. Why didn’t your DH just say I am arranging a surprise, you book these days off? One thing I have learned over the years, only give your personal number to highly trusted people. Some people have no idea of professional boundaries and pass on phone numbers.

wronginalltherightways · 10/02/2024 10:24

Completely unacceptable. Completely.

And let's be honest: boss mentioned OP isn't doing overtime, so this is about boss wanting OP to work more, not boss concerned about OP. If boss was genuinely worried about OP, they wouldn't be essentially pushing them to spend even MORE time working (to plug their scheduling issues).

Rosscameasdoody · 10/02/2024 10:25

You have a right to privacy in the workplace and your boss has breached it. It’s totally unacceptable to use private details given to an employer for contact in case of emergency etc, for anything other than the given purpose.

Your boss has no knowledge of your home circumstances and I appreciate that he was concerned about you, but had you been in an abusive relationship, unknown to your boss, he could have seriously compromised you. Not to mention what he did was incredibly sexist and patronising.

You really need to report it to HR so that they can intervene and provide some sort of guidance so that this kind of thing doesn’t happen again - to you, or anyone else.

DeeLusional · 10/02/2024 10:26

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2024 08:10

That was not only inappropriate but potentially dangerous.
What if your husband was an abuser? That phone call could have seen you beaten to a pulp.
There are good and bad ways to try to help and support someone. He chose a bad way.

I would report it to hr pointing out that fortunately you aren't in that situation but that he could have put a woman at risk.

Exactly this. Outrageous male entitlement.

SealHouse · 10/02/2024 10:27

neverbeenskiing · 10/02/2024 09:25

So many people are spectacularly missing the point here. OP's manager having "good intentions" and their "heart being in the right place" is not relevant. As a Manager, you are bound by your organisations policies and procedures. You can be kind and caring towards your staff while still maintaining professional boundaries. If you are concerned about an employee you raise your concerns through the proper channels, not by texting their spouse behind their back to pry into their personal life! OP is not a child, she is entitled to choose how much of her personal life she shares with colleagues.

The issue of Domestic Abuse is, of course, pertinent given that we know it is so prevalent and often hidden. But there are many other reasons why OP, or her DH, may not want to disclose their personal/family circumstances to her Manager. OP's DH could be suffering from a serious illness or something traumatic could have happened to him. The marraige could be going through a rocky patch, they could be struggling with infertility or someone could have been unfaithful. Or maybe nothing sinister is going on at all but they are just private people! The Manager has no idea what is going on for OP's DH and he/she is not entitled to know.

I also note the references to overtime and that the Manager even mentioned this in the text to OP's DH. This makes me question whether he/she is acting out of genuine concern, or whether they have their own agenda. OP should not be pressured into taking extra shifts and nor should she have to give away personal/family information she is not comfortable disclosing in order to justify working her contracted hours.

OP, this is the only post you need to heed here. It is spot on.