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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my boss contact my husband?

320 replies

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 12/02/2024 09:42

I think people who assume it was out of concern for the OP are a bit naive. It was because she’s dropped doing overtime and that’s a productivity problem for the boss. I would be seriously mad if my boss took it upon themselves to have a quiet word with my husband. And he would tell said boss how inappropriate it was to contact him.

pam290358 · 12/02/2024 10:04

Much has been said about the possible consequences of the boss’s actions had the OP been in an abusive relationship. Quite apart from this, depending on what the boss actually said, it could easily have caused trouble between OP and her DH because it would have been clear to him from the conversation that OP had talked to her boss about the stresses at home.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/02/2024 10:18

Teenagehorrorbag · 11/02/2024 22:58

DON'T contact HR! Unless you want to screw up your working relationship with your boss for the rest of your time there.

I work in HR. It was inappropriate for your boss to contact DH but I imagine it came from a place of caring about your welfare rather than anything else. If you go to HR it will become a formal complaint and will escalate horribly. If that is what you want then fine - but if not - and it sounds as though you have other things to worry about - then don't.

By all means talk to your boss and explain how you feel though!

I hope your DH sorts his issues and things get easier for you both soon.

Sadly, spot on. There seems to be an endearingly naive view prevalent in parts of Mumsnet that HR are there to valiantly protect the interests of the employee, like a hyper focussed trade union rep. Whereas of course they're there tomprotect the interests of the employer, ideally aligned with those of the employee and consistent with respecting employment law and contractual terms

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/02/2024 10:19

Mabel77 · 12/02/2024 06:31

I can’t understand how some people don’t realise what a massive inappropriate and unprofessional overstep this is. Intent is irrelevant.
I would check your company’s hr policy. I know at mine they are only allowed to use my emergency contact for exactly that reason , an emergency! So if something happened to me at work or if I hadn’t attended work with no contact they could contact as a welfare check.
I would be frank with your boss and explain the potential damage this could have done. Assert yourself and remind them you are an adult, you are the employee, your husband is not. In future please do not contact him to discuss you. If after having that conversation you don’t feel that they are taking you seriously, then go to HR.

Inappropriate as the manager's conduct was, he did not use the OP's emergency contact number(s) held at work

EmeraldA129 · 12/02/2024 12:31

discussing anything about you with your husband is unreasonable & unacceptable. The only times your boss should have been in contact with him would be if you had him noted as your next of kin/ emergency contact… but that would only be if you had gone awol & they were concerned for your safety or something happened at work where you had to get taken to hospital type occasions.

HelplessSoul · 12/02/2024 15:22

Teenagehorrorbag · 11/02/2024 22:58

DON'T contact HR! Unless you want to screw up your working relationship with your boss for the rest of your time there.

I work in HR. It was inappropriate for your boss to contact DH but I imagine it came from a place of caring about your welfare rather than anything else. If you go to HR it will become a formal complaint and will escalate horribly. If that is what you want then fine - but if not - and it sounds as though you have other things to worry about - then don't.

By all means talk to your boss and explain how you feel though!

I hope your DH sorts his issues and things get easier for you both soon.

But its OK for the Boss to damage the work relationship with the OP?

Some seriously awful advice if you work in HR.

We know HR is there to protect companies/organisations, but JFC, your advice is utterly fucking terrible. 🤦‍♂️🙄

The boss/cunt needs reporting.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/02/2024 18:39

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 12/02/2024 10:19

Inappropriate as the manager's conduct was, he did not use the OP's emergency contact number(s) held at work

Show quote history

No, he used a private number given to him for one occasion - not remotely connected with work matters.

Mabel77 · 12/02/2024 19:26

He didn’t have her permission to contact him either, she is the employee not him

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 12/02/2024 20:13

Rosscameasdoody · 12/02/2024 18:39

No, he used a private number given to him for one occasion - not remotely connected with work matters.

Show quote history

So it shouldn’t have been used for a work matter

People wouldn’t be thinking it ok if he’d had the OP’s mum or brothers number for the party arranging and then used it for this. It’s no different in appropriateness

Here4thechocs · 12/02/2024 21:21

Rosscameasdoody · 12/02/2024 09:35

The purpose it would serve is that HR would then speak to the boss and tell him he’s breached GDPR by contacting an employee’s family member without their consent. In this case he’s also put the company at risk of legal action - had the OP been in an abusive relationship, that phone call could have resulted in serious consequences for her. He clearly needs formal training as to what is appropriate and proportionate.

Show quote history

I see your pov.

T1Dmama · 12/02/2024 21:41

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:26

Ok, to clarify.
my husband is not abusive and hasn’t been nasty about this.

He’s going through ALOT of work stress, his employers are awful and he’s trying to find another job (after being his current job for over 20 years). I am just trying to remove another pressure so he doesn’t have to pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, which pre this was the norm. Obviously if he is on school pick up, he needs to leave on time which is tricky at the moment. He still does pick up when he does get out on time (because he likes being involved) but I am just available if he can’t get out on time.

I’m not great at confrontation, but I suppose the correct thing would be to talk to boss first and then escalate to HR if not happy with their response.

I would email boss and state that he shouldn’t have contacted your husband about this. Explain briefly that your husband is under a lot of stress atm and you can’t do overtime because you need to support him…. You can keep it brief and simply ask him not to contact your DH again unless in an emergency situation.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/02/2024 09:09

@ajdjad - Just wondering how work went for you yesterday? Did you speak with HR or your boss? How did that go?

FlipFlop1987 · 13/02/2024 10:42

As a previous manager (public service) it is way out of line. If you have a Union I would get them in involved personally and advise HR. If it’s upset you then it is wrong. Other people might not see an issue but you do, so you do what you need to do. Even if it hasn’t put you in a vulnerable position with your husband, that isn’t the only issue here. Your manager needs some intensive training.

Royalbloo · 13/02/2024 20:00

I'd be fuming - this isn't ok

Cath082 · 13/02/2024 21:21

Absolutely not! Your boss has no right to do this and has broken all trust.
In my eyes this is cause for a for complaint to be raised to HR but if you have a good relationship then I would speak to him first and explain his actions are unacceptable.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 13/02/2024 21:54

It was definitely inappropriate but it isn't a GDPR breach if the boss has DH's number as a result of non-work contact. It would have been if he had accessed emergency contact details.

If you generally have a good relationship with your boss and believe it comes from a place of concern I would have a quiet word with boss then let it go.

If you believe that it was an attempt to pressure you to take overtime then speak to HR and seek support from your union.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/02/2024 00:09

Lots of people saying it's against GDPR but they misunderstand it. Unless he took the blokes number from some database at work and used/shared it. It seems it was passed to him by OP? This doesn't excuse his actions and it's an HR matter but if OP's husband does not have any data under that business to be shared, then it's not that. If he nicked the number from the next of kin section or something from her files, then it would be a breach.

NotAgainWilson · 14/02/2024 06:28

It is a GDPR issue and a massive invasion of the employee’s privacy if the boss uses a phone number provided for a party to discuss issues related to employee’s work and home.

This is not a mutual long standing family friend checking on OP, he is just her boss.

NotAgainWilson · 14/02/2024 06:29

… but even if he was, this boss needs to remember that if friendship and work are mixed, professionalism trumps friendship.

BeyondMyWits · 24/05/2024 12:15

Boss overstepped the mark, I would be fuming. Everyone is entitled to privacy! Telling your husband that you aren't doing overtime - you might have told him you were.

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