Can my boss contact my husband?

[ajdjad]

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP has explained the situation, I think you are overreacting.

Exactly. I assumed woman. And no I don’t think the automatic assumption if an employee is acting in a concerning manner is oh wait she might be being abused. Best I don’t get involved.

the world has gone nuts.

It's utterly and completely inappropriate for your boss to contact a partner or relative about anything. If he wants to support you, he need to do that through you. I'd be livid if it happened to me. Completely overstepping boundaries. Why on earth does he have your husbands number from one incident 3 years ago that is over and done with.
Not appropriate. You are right to be concerned.

Your boss is so far over the line, it’s not even in view anymore.

I would have a strong word with them so they’re in no doubt as to whether they do this shit again.

Your boss’ only job is to try and support you at work.

The way to support a woman who could be being abused is not to ring the potential abuser and ask if said woman is ok. That would be dropping a match into petrol. The way to support her would be to have a conversation(s), ensure she knows boss and HR there to help, offer access to confidential well-being support

if OP is being abused how has boss ringing helped the situation in anyway?? It quite clearly hasn’t

@Janetime if you're concerned you support them at work with the means you have ,you don't stomp in into their personal lives.

Talk unto your boss. Say you know it came from good place and appreciate the intention, and that this time no harm came if it, youre concerned that had you been in a difficult situation at home because of your husband, it could have put you in a concerning or risky situation and perhaps its unwise to risk contacting peoples relatives in future.

Don’t be daft!

I would be very displeased if my hoss was contacting anyone about me without my permission. OP could have personal reasons for not wanting overtime which are totally unconnected to the home situation.
Out of interest, is the boss a man?

thank you !

I think it does need to be brought up with HR. At the very least your boss needs training on how to handle concern about an employees welfare.

This is awful and I would definitely take it further. You are entitled to tell your boss as much or as little about your home life as you like, without them going to your husband behind your back. Really, really bad. I would raise a grievance.

It is a GDPR breach because information should only be used for the purpose it was provided.

The boss is no longer organising a party and if the number was provided as an emergency contact, it should only be used for emergencies, not to discuss an employee with their spouse.

This.

It's really not appropriate at all.

Wow I'd be furious!

Breach of confidentiality in my view, think the boss and perhaps HR should be approached on that basis. Well meant but wrong nevertheless.

Some of these replies are way over the top IMO. I really think you should take it as it was intended and that is genuine concern. If he hadn’t already got the number and he’d searched it out from a Hr system for this purpose then it wouldn’t have been different but in this case he did already have the number and I think he’s tried to be kind. So just accept that and move on.

Everyone assuming the boss is a man.
It's inappropriate, tbh sounds more like they're wanting you to do overtime than concern.

I’d be livid.

If you have concerns about someone you speak to them. Signpost them to help. Speak to HR about what you can do to help them.

You don’t fire random texts to their partners.

The abusive relationship is the worst example, but not the only one. What if OP is quiet because she was planning the end of her marriage? If someone around then is unwell?
And in this case she’s specifically not doing overtime to help a situation with her husbands stress - barrelling in two footed has meant the boss has increased the stress

They need some training in how to deal properly with any concerns about their staff!

I’d also be curious to know if their main issue is concern or if they’re actually just hacked off about the lack of overtime being done.

Or telling her husband she IS doing overtime for various reasons and now he'd know she isn't.

Appologies Op, you mentioned that “My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.”, which doesn’t sound like you are just picking up the kids from school yourself, but like something else was going on.

People do not need to get violent to be abusive, if you feel the current exhaustion you have is because his stress is stressing you up, it may be a good idea to take a step back, talk to your husband about how his stress is affecting home life and how you can both make things easier for each other. He may not realise how his stress is affecting you, but if you think what you feel is of no importance and that you cannot have such conversation, there may be some behaviours there that you may need to take more seriously.

That is not how you deal with an employee you suspect might be vulnerable/has an issue. As a manager they should know that. If they don't,they need extra training. There was nothing kind about that manager's actions.

Your boss is way out of line. Good intentions or not:

-As PPs have said, it would be dangerous in case there were abuse issues at home
-He should just accept you’re not doing overtime. I refused to do overtime at my new job because I needed the time to look after my 1 year old. End of.
-If he was concerned, he should have approached you directly