Can my boss contact my husband?

[ajdjad]

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

You do sound very stressed and anxious about your husband. It’s up to him to manage his stress levels not you. I think your boss has picked up on this and was concerned. Only you will know if this came from genuine concern, which I think I has, or if it wasn’t.
its not appropriate for a boss to do this, but maybe they were thinking of you a colleague and friend?

The fact that there may be more going on behind the scenes makes the managers actions even more problematic.

If you have concerns about someone’s home life you don’t go messaging the person they live with. That’s illogical. And downright dangerous.

She should speak to HR. The managers actions could easily have placed a woman in danger.

Good perspective and next steps here.

I think your boss was totally wrong and should policies to you. I also couldn’t imagine a manager contacting a male employee’s wife in these circs. 😦

Haven’t read the whole thread, apologies if it’s already been said: but I’m amazed by the amount of people suggesting your boss has done this out of concern for you. I highly doubt it. Boss is pissed that you aren’t covering overtime, and are making more work for him. No decent boss would flit to your husband to check up on you.

That is a massive over reach in my opinion. He has no idea if his actions could put you in danger.

Although it does sound like your boss was coming from a good place, that is a MASSIVE overstep and really rather poor professionalism.

Imagine if your DH was abusive and your boss had gotten you into a dangerous situation with their meddling?

I would be noting all of @Hollyhocksarenotmessy 's advice and raising these points with your boss asap. An email trail may be a good idea, rather than speaking in person, especially if they deal with it badly and you then have to raise to HR.

I get that you don't like confrontation but I don't think you can let this slide, OP.

Your boss shouldn’t have done this but probably best to tell him that yourself rather than go to HR - what would going to HR achieve?

If your husband is being treated badly at work and has worked for the same employer for 20 years he probably should raise a grievance (after trying to resolve it informally) and, depending on the circumstances, consider constructive unfair dismissal if it doesn’t get resolved. Employers have a duty of care to prevent workplace stress.

This ^

Your manager needs training on this and why he has acted inappropriately

Seriously overstepping the mark. I don’t think his concern was for your welfare, it’s more likely his concern was for the potentially missing targets or less production due to you not doing overtime.

*If Im part of a group to organise a party would it be a GDPR breach for another member of the group to ring me to ask my advice on a non party matter for example

That doesn't sound right*

GDPR doesn't apply for personal activities. It's there to protect employees or others who interact with organisations really.

However, in that case if I was ringing you about something else I would still say, "I hope you don't mind my contacting you, I have your number from when we were organising the party", or something like that, just to acknowledge that it's a tiny bit off.

I think you should use @neverbeenskiing 's post as the basis for a complaint to HR.

I'd ramp up the misogyny aspect - your bosses actions are paternalistic and infantilising and as others have said I very much doubt he would have done this to a man.

I agree that his real agenda was to get you back to doing overtime - it's faux concern.

That is against GDPR, as he has used contact details for something other than the intended purpose.

I would put a grievance in with your HR.

Your work life is nothing to do with your husband, and you boss could've been endangering your life if you were in a DV environment at home.

So what are you going to do about it other than roll over and take it?

This is yet another way that women are infantilised by men.

If a manager texted a man’s wife about how things are at home, those saying it came from a place of concern would be singing a very different tune.

Absolutely disgraceful. You are the employee not your husband and she has zero right to message your husband. Her only concern is your work performance. That is grossly overstepping her role. I think she could be disciplined for this quite honestly. I'd be furious.

This is way out of line.

Whilst your husband may not be abusive @ajdjad your boss doesn't know that and he has potentially put you in an excessive amount if danger.

I would sk for a meeting with HR and your boss, raise this with him as a "I know you menst well but look at what could have happened" type way.

Obviously your boss was well meaning but he had absolutely no right to contact your husband. If he had concerns his forest course is to speak to HR and offer company support if appropriate.

It sounds like your boss was given your husbands number in a personal capacity to arrange a ‘surprise’ which was nothing to do with your job? If that’s the case then I don’t think you can complain to HR as it was nothing to do with the employment and your husband has freely given his number. If she obtained the number from your personal details held by work then yes complain as I don’t think it reaches the threshold for contacting NOK. I don’t really understand why it is so upsetting, surely your husband cares that you are struggling and should be supporting you too? It’s not an unfounded concern as you yourself admit you’re struggling

Don't think the worse at this stage, you are on the right track by supporting your husband and with good communication with him will nip this in the bud.

I thought your reasoning in your post was very clear and well expressed should you need to tell HR etc.
Only you know your boss and can see the motive behind this.
Were they genuinely concerned about your health/spirits? If so, they were being kind and you probably know best how to deal with them.
Or are you under pressure to do more voluntary overtime. Has your boss made an issue out of that before? Is there a bit of a threat that he views this as a performance issue, ie that he considers that good employees do overtime and that he's not really accepting your "excuses". Or is it more that he's noticed you are not as keen for the voluntary overtime and is worried you don't like your job as much?

Or a bit of both?

If its genuine concern and you normally have a good relationship, then in the first instance I would talk to them first and explain why it's not appropriate and guage from their reaction what your next steps should be. For example if it was a male employee would he ring his wife?

If you feel the motive behind this was to find out why you can't do overtime and to try to "fix" that so that despite refusing it, the barriers to you doing it are demolished, then that is another kettle of fish entirely.

I also don't think you ever need to justify your home life and personal issues to him. It's none of his business. The overtime is voluntary. At the moment, taking on overtime would involve you in childcare arrangements and extra costs - making it less worthwhile for you. You might at a later date resume overtime when the situation changes. That's all he needs to know.

If he thinks you are quiet ( and is hinting that this is a performance issue) then this has also caused you extra worry and contacting your husband as if he's your parent, is patronising. A pp said that only HR should have your emergency contact numbers.

Shocking. The little woman is being problematic so the men are sorting her out, between themselves. Fuck off, that boss.

She absolutely can complain to HR.

Her DH and her Boss exchanged numbers for a specific purpose, which as you point out was not work related.

The Manager has now used that phone number again, not for the specific purpose it was given to him/her, but to ask questions about why OP is behaving a certain way and, more specifically why she isn't agreeing to extra shifts at work.

This is entirely inappropriate.

The Manager has asked OP to do overtime and she has said no. He has no right to pressure her to pick up extra shits and texting her Husband, without her permission, seeking justification for this and prying into her personal life could certainly be seen as pressure to work those hours. At best it is overstepping professional boundaries, at worst it is bullying.

Anyone who has any experience managing staff should know this is not acceptable and that if you have concerns for a member of staff you raise them through the proper channels.

OP has been careful not to reveal whether the boss is a man or woman. I'd like to know. Their actions are still out of order whatever sex they are.

Some folks really do go for the scorched earth nuclear option first time. I do often ponder if it just on here, or if they behave like that in real life.

He has no right to pressure her to pick up extra shits
Love that.
OP has been careful not to reveal whether the boss is a man or woman.
Sorry, I assumed. No-one should be phoning home about an adult, anyway.* *

OP

What you should not have done is mix work life with your personal life

You say your boss got wind of this - is he a mind reader?

We've had problems when I though my OH was cheating, I was quiet and everyone said it at work and boss called me in "to help.." - Guess what, I never disclosed the real reason just said I was worried re my parents health etc

Imo from what you said, the boss did the right thing as they are thinking about you

It's only my opinion based on my life, we are all different, I hope its allsorted soon