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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can my boss contact my husband?

320 replies

ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:00

My husband (main money earner) is under a lot of stress at work and I am trying my hardest to reduce stress at home during this time. I am therefore not putting myself forward for overtime in my job, so he doesn’t have to worry about childcare if his shifts run over (which at the moment they often do)

Overtime has always been optional in my job and I have taken shifts in the past if I know husband is around for the kids (we can survive without the extra money, I just want to help my team where I can and who doesn’t mind a little extra spending money).

My boss has picked up on this and says I’m not myself at work (I maybe a little quieter, but home life is going through a tougher patch, but I don’t want to bring my home life to work). I have just answered life is a little exhausting at the moment but I may be open to overtime again in the future.

Boss had my husband’s number from a previous, when husband was organising a surprise for me a few years ago. They haven’t contacted each other since and it was only for this purpose. Boss has messaged husband asking if I’m ok as not myself/taking overtime.

I feel so upset. They have gone behind my back and now caused more stress at home (something else on my husbands load!). Are they allowed to do this? Is this something I can report to HR? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Comtesse · 10/02/2024 08:22

No way should your boss have done that - seriously inappropriate.

VisionsOfSplendour · 10/02/2024 08:23

crumpet · 10/02/2024 08:21

GDPR breach

In what way?

Sounds like the boss has good intentions but I think he's overstepped in this instance.

Sparklfairy · 10/02/2024 08:24

This is really bad. I'm glad this isn't the case, but if you were 'quiet' at work and stopping doing overtime, it could have been because your husband was abusive. Contacting your husband would have really dropped you in it!

Theeyeballsinthesky · 10/02/2024 08:24

Christ that’s a huge overstep by your boss and completely out of order!

how dare he call your husband - he doesn’t know exactly what’s going going at your home, your husband could be abusing you for all he knows & boss could have plonked his size 9 right in it and made things worse for you

if your boss is so concerned about your well-being what he should have done is suggest you speak to HR, ask if there’s any employee well being services the company could access to help you and be a listening ear if you need to speak to him

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 10/02/2024 08:25

It's a GDPR breach as her personal information has been used in a way that it wasn't intended or necessary.

Original poster
ajdjad · 10/02/2024 08:26

Ok, to clarify.
my husband is not abusive and hasn’t been nasty about this.

He’s going through ALOT of work stress, his employers are awful and he’s trying to find another job (after being his current job for over 20 years). I am just trying to remove another pressure so he doesn’t have to pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, which pre this was the norm. Obviously if he is on school pick up, he needs to leave on time which is tricky at the moment. He still does pick up when he does get out on time (because he likes being involved) but I am just available if he can’t get out on time.

I’m not great at confrontation, but I suppose the correct thing would be to talk to boss first and then escalate to HR if not happy with their response.

OP posts:
PaperDoIIs · 10/02/2024 08:27

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 10/02/2024 08:12

He cared. It was done from a place of concern. You've told him life is exhausting. He doesn't know your husband's circumstances, nor should he. But he was worried about and tried to help.

We are always told to check in on our friends who seem to be struggling. Mental health is a huge thing now and I think his heart was in the right place. As I already said, he's not to know your husband's mental health is the cause of your stress. Is your husband getting help for this?

If your husband's boss was as concerned for him as your boss is for you maybe your husband wouldn't be under quite so much pressure now.

It might feel inappropriate, but I do think it came from a genuine place.

Edited

If he actually cared , he could've talked to OP about workload and any adjustments. He could've signposted OP to any support available either through the company or more general ones. He could've offered her a "mental health day". Or simply just be an ear and offer understanding.

That's what caring in a work environment is.

Messaging OP's husband is not only inappropriate, but could actually be dangerous if he is abusive,paranoid etc.

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:27

Are so few people really not remotely concerned about why this has caused the op an issue? Clearly there is something significant going on at home, it’s not about the boss. That’s an irrelevance. It’s about why this has caused her a problem and what her husbands “stress” is manifesting itself. There are kids in that house.

Pozz · 10/02/2024 08:28

Pancakedayisthebest · 10/02/2024 08:16

Not right. There's a tinge of "let the men speak man to man about this silly woman"

I can't see where OP says boss is a man?

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 10/02/2024 08:29

Yes he out of order. He doesn’t know what’s going on at home and if it was for example a domestic abuse situation he could have escalated that.

izzygirlis4 · 10/02/2024 08:31

I'd be furious. What if your husband was abusive and that's the reason you were quiet at work.
I'd be having a very strongly worded conversation and telling me he's completely out of line

BlurringTheLines · 10/02/2024 08:32

Not only would I be furious, but my DH would be furious too.
I would definitely have raised a grievance.
My work life has nothing to do with my home life and vice versa.

Startingagainandagain · 10/02/2024 08:35

Completely inappropriate and a GDPR breach.

I assume your husband is listed as a next of kin to contact in case of emergency with HR but this was not an emergency and he had no right to do this.

OP you also need to take care of yourself though: is your husband doing anything to you that could be abusive? remember that being under stress/depressed is never an excuse for a man to take things out on his partner...please seek support if anything going on at home is making your worried for your welfare and that of your kids.

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 08:35

Completely inappropriate. If it were an emergancy and he's your emergancy contact then fine. It wasn't so that's way overstepping. If your husband was abusive that could get you in a real mess.

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:35

izzygirlis4 · 10/02/2024 08:31

I'd be furious. What if your husband was abusive and that's the reason you were quiet at work.
I'd be having a very strongly worded conversation and telling me he's completely out of line

People are writing this like it’s something normal and accepted. If her husband is abusive that’s the issue. Not the boss.

10ThousandSpoons · 10/02/2024 08:36

Janetime · 10/02/2024 08:35

People are writing this like it’s something normal and accepted. If her husband is abusive that’s the issue. Not the boss.

Show quote history

No its not that it's normal and accepted. It's that the boss has NO idea what's happening in OP's home life.

NewYearNewCalendar · 10/02/2024 08:40

Totally unacceptable. The fact that their intentions were good does not override the fact that this was inappropriate.

AlisonDonut · 10/02/2024 08:40

You seem to be under reacting to this.

Of course your boss shouldn't have called your husband, and yes you should put a grievance in about this. Your boss has no idea how your husband would react to this intervention.

Hibernatalie · 10/02/2024 08:41

That's awful, he should never have done that. Honestly amazed some people think it's ok. I would 100% speak to HR.

barkymcbark · 10/02/2024 08:42

Sounds like your boss's heart is on the right place but he's way out of line going directly to your husband.

FinanceLPlates · 10/02/2024 08:45

Why is everyone assuming the boss is male? I don’t think the OP specified?

In any case, it’s massively overstepping.

Mynewnameis · 10/02/2024 08:47

Everyone assuming boss is male. Not sure op specified.

IncompleteSenten · 10/02/2024 08:48

FinanceLPlates · 10/02/2024 08:45

Why is everyone assuming the boss is male? I don’t think the OP specified?

In any case, it’s massively overstepping.

I hold my hands up to that.
I assumed that a woman would be more mindful of that possibility.

Thingamebobwotsit · 10/02/2024 08:48

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 10/02/2024 08:22

Hi, HR bod here, your manager was seriously wrong to do this. Intentions are irrelevant. 1)He could really put an employee in danger. 2) He's using your personal info (emergency contact) for a purpose your company doesn't have permission for as this was far from an emergency welfare check. 3) it's incredibly paternalistic to go to your husband about a concern rather than just speaking to you.

It sounds as though his professional boundaries have blurred as he was in contact with your husband over your party. He is not a family friend.

I would speak to him about it though rather than HR, if he's generally a good boss. Point out all of the above and get him to delete your husband's number. He shouldn't really have it. Emergency contact number should be held in HR.

This. As a manager of large teams for a number of years, and having had to make emergency contact calls in the past this is really inappropriate action in this instance. Speak to your boss. Be open with them as at least they can look out for you.

As others have said, I don't know how your husband's stress is manifesting itself but if you need to speak to someone there are charities out there that can support you. And him.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 10/02/2024 08:50

I can't see that it is a GDPR breach as he didn't access op dh number from work.

He had it due to social reasons (The surprise)

I am also concerned about quite how this is affecting you. I think you should speak to your boss, and I agree it was wrong but also you need to look for support for you.