For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

Oh you poor thing. Don't beat yourself up. Car man and dog-poo person were cunts and you did the right thing. I would have behaved the same if not worse, but probably not given a shit afterwards.

It sounds like you stand up for yourself in situations where it would be appropriate to do so, but that you do it in a manner that escalates (screaming and shouting), rather than in a way that will lead to resolution. It's easily done in a high pressure moment, like a car coming towards you and your baby, but more easily avoided in the dog poo situation.

It is good that you can reflect and have insight into how your behaviour has affected these situations.

Try to think of ways that you could have handled this differently and practice for future incidents.

The ability to behave assertively rather than aggressively, and to strive towards resolution for both parties where you can, will pay dividends in your parenting.

I agree with poster above!

Aww thanks @HelenDamnation1 yes he was a complete tosser and only demonstrated it further by pushing us, I suppose he could have had Alzheimer's or something you just never know, I don't think trying to drive through a pedestrian is normal either! Perhaps I should concentrate on not getting upset about it after! What really scares me though is that I wasn't thinking at all about my or my son's safety or anyone else's in the moment whilst I was letting my mouth run away. I had no clue this would escalate to the point where someone else could potentially be hurt (although as he was quite old, fortunately the push was fairly harmless so I appreciate assaulted may sound a bit strong!).

There's a saying about choosing your battles. The secret is in understanding that some people just can't be reasoned with. People reversing when they can see there's an obstacle and people who don't pick up after their dogs probably fall into that category.

A repeat incident might result in your being removed from the doctor's list. At least you realise that you have a problem you need to address.

You were angry because of risk to your son, and even though escalating to shouting maybe wasn’t the best I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same! I’ve had similar (for me it was shouting after a car who came steaming across a zebra crossing I was already halfway across with my son in a baby carrier on me so could have been nasty if I’d not jumped back in time!)

People suck, try not to worry about it.

You need to think about the aim of your communication. Pretend it is a workplace.

It sounds a little like you let the red mist descend and get all bolshy, but when others react poorly you don't know when to let it go but feel hard done by...a rational person treated poorly. However, perhaps reacting in the way you do isn't as rational as you think it is, and you are coming across as more aggressive than you intended. That's not to say either of the people you approached should have reacted the way they did, but perhaps you need to consider your approach and whether it is as calm and non-aggressive as you think it is?

I understand , as I am the same, can't keep my mouth shut and then when people bite back it upsets me all day and I honestly wish I had never said anything. I then vow to myself I will let things go next time but don't and it happens again. I think you just have to accept that there are a lot of people around who are absolute knobs and don't care about others and they are just not worth wasting energy on.

I think you did pretty well op I would have headbutted him after he pushed me, well hopefully not but I would have struggled to keep control of myself.
Probably the best thing is if you train yourself to not react at all, I think this is what some men do because they know things will go very badly for them if they let themselves get angry.

I think you should take this as a lesson and have a think about how you behave in situations. What are you gaining from losing it with people? Maybe address your anger somehow?

I think if I were in your situation in the surgery car park, when the guy was reversing towards my car, would have just closed my car door, allowed him to park and then carry on. Maybe you could have got your child from the other side?

Was it really worth making such a scene inside the surgery? How embarrassing and even though you feel the guy wasn't in the wrong, you say he was elderly, you have no idea what might be wrong with him. How do you know he's not grieving or really sick?

I think what you did in the car park was fair enough. You were trying to alert him to the fact you were there in case he hadn’t seen you and you didn’t want to get hurt. Fair enough.

Im not sure I’d have bothered starting a conversation up in the surgery though and if I did I wouldn’t have let it escalate to an argument. I would have left the convo when I saw what was going on.

he was the idiot though, not you. First he practically reversed into you and then he pushed people. That’s not the way to behave.

I don't think I would have pursued the conversation inside the surgery. However nothing justifies him pushing you, your child and the receptionist.

Whilst I think you were right to be annoyed the fact he parked elsewhere after being alerted to your presence would have been enough for me to leave it there. You then chose to escalate it further in what sounds like an abrasive manner which caused other people to get involved.
You then mention other similar incidents, so I would question how you are delivering the message. The manner in which you speak and body language can determine the response you get.

The world is never going to operate in such a way that you will never encounter annoying people doing stupid things. I find it’s almost a daily occurrence so if I reacted to every small incident I’d be forever losing my temper. This was a minor incident. Nothing bad happened. I would have just let it go. What did you think you were going to achieve by upbraiding him in public in the Surgery? I think gut instinct and/or experience would tell you that you were not going to get the contrite apology you were seeking and thought was rightfully yours. You recognise yourself that every time you react in this way you end up more upset than if you had just ignored and got on with your day.

I think this sounds insane. You provoked him for no good reason other than wanting to have the last word. You put your son and yourself at risk for what was essentially a parking error, maybe he didn't see you, maybe he thought he could fit in beside you or maybe he always parks there. He did move off & park elsewhere and that should have been the end of it. If I'm being completely honest you should have been grateful to him for not parking next to you! If someone provoked me in this way I would also be angry albeit I wouldn't push anyone but it sounds like you kept on at him. In a place where people go when they are unwell. I don't agree with other posters who seem to think this other man is at fault - you caused this and behaved inappropriately in front of your baby. If you seriously can't keep your temper in check you should ask for referral to anger management services.

One day you'll start on the wrong person, and it will end badly I expect.

learn when to let things go. Don't scream at anyone.

I would have done the same, but rather than confronting him in reception, I would have said to the receptionist ( so he can hear): the gentleman seems to have no awareness and repeatedly tried to reverse into me and my child. I’m going to report his driving, but I’m letting you know he is not safe, in case there is a medical underlying reason. And then tilt my head at him.

I live in God’s waiting room it seems, got practice with this kind of shit.

I completely disagree with what people are telling you above, completely.

The world works much better if you assume most people are trying to do the right thing. The guy wasn't trying to run you down or hit your kids. Think about what you are saying. He had an accident, as people do, when they are flustered themselves trying to park. He manoeuvred into a space that was probably the easiest to back into, and then you banged his car (fair enough).

The sensible thing to do, given he immediately stopped and didn't ram your kids, would have been to give a brief smile and say- phew, sorry, I thought you were going to hit us! He would have then said 'I'm so sorry, I didn't see you' etc.

I never ever escalate these situations, I park in a hospital about two to three times a week and the parking is a nightmare, and people drive too close, people are wandering around, you don't have great visibility, and all of it goes much better when everyone is kind, offers up their space, waves to say thanks and apologises if there's a problem. I've spend nearly a decade going in and out of the place and not had one, one incident, and most people are cheery and nice, and resigned that small car parks and large cars are the way it is right now.

Why pick a fight, your child got pushed. Just stop. Just assume the best and go in with a reasonably ok face and not angry and picking fights. If you had a go at me, I'd have one back, and be extremely cross myself as of course he wasn't running you down on purpose, he made a mistake.

Do you want people to forgive your mistakes? Then do so in others and protect your kids better by stopping escalating with strangers.

That's a good way of putting it. Assertive not aggressive. I am very sarcastic which probably doesn't help..eg. the Specsavers quote. Not my finest moment.

I go through life remembering that some people are just dickheads. I like to do what's right (probably as a very anxious person) and I can't control other people who don't do what's right. I'm usually prevented from confronting them by remembering that people who don't do the right thing are going to be unreasonable when challenged.

But assertiveness wasn't needed! He made a mistake, nothing happened, you could have both dealt with it maturely. One day you will be backing as stressed and do the same. Do you want the person to start up with you?