For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

@Ghuunvg you're exactly the sort of 'woman' I was talking about, thanks for proving my point 🤣🤣

What a dramatic reply. He did not 'try to run over a mother and child' he tried to reverse into a space that he thought was free, once he was made aware it wasn't he parked elsewhere. Some people have such a bloody victim mentality it's astounding. He was also minding his own business waiting in line for an appointment before things escalated into a push which is unacceptable. Whoever is responsible for violence is at fault straight away. I know I will be flamed for this but if a person was shouting at me about going to specsavers and close enough that I felt threatened I might try to make some space between us. Nobody has come out of this covered in glory. But to suggest an elderly man purposely drove towards a mother and child 'to make a point' and 'tried to knock them over' is ludicrous.

You sound like a narrow-minded little person with your "that kind of woman" and "woman's woman" judgments. Do you judge women by their skirt lengths too?

@Ghuunvg how does that even make sense, if anything a 'woman's woman' would applaud somebody for wearing a short skirt 🤣🤣

You sound like a very aggressive and angry person. Sorry I triggered with a comment about nasty women on here, you obviously felt I was describing you perfectly!

Someone once tried to sit in some cinema seats than I had pre booked and paid for so instead of confronting them and demanding they move I got a member of staff to remove them . In my younger days I would have blown my top . Any problems at work I go over people's heads straight to management. Let them sort it out . There are ways of going about things

Plus get your husband to speak up more as it sounds as if he hides behind you OP .
I realised my husband was doing this , so the next time a situation blew up that was of his making I told him to say something. His reply ? Oh you say something, you always do and I'm no good at stuff like that ! He was coming out as the angel and me the villain. So no, if he can fight his own battles now.

If people see you have a short fuse they will load the gun and get you to fire the bullet . I had this in a work situation where everyone moaned about something, got me to arrange a meeting with management and the team and stood there while I did all the talking then denied any knowledge of what I was talking about. People will wind you up and manipulate you if they know you retaliate all the time .

Like other posters have said it's knowing when to pick your battles and where to have them .

What I've learned on this thread.

Lots of examples of angry and passive aggressive and straight aggressive people on this thread who can't cope and feel very affronted when someone pushes (literally, allegedly) back.

"He tried to reverse into a space he thought was free, once he was made aware it wasn't he parked elsewhere"

Well.. no he didn't. Re-read the OP
"I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word. "

So he initially stopped, then after a moment carried on trying to reverse into them.. so she was forced to defend herself and her child a second time.

Had it only been once, and he'd apologised and parked elsewhere, it wouldn't have been an issue (even though i question how you could miss a whole adult standing in the space with the door wide open) but he didn't do that, and he didn't apologise.

Nonetheless what I have written is correct.
He did not try to run over a mother and child, I'm sure if that was his intention he would have done it. He did move off and park elsewhere. The OP acknowledges this. I suppose if we are being pedantic he could have got out, told her to close her door & stop blocking the space & parked there anyway. He didn't. He moved off and parked elsewhere. You will never convince me that a grown woman purposely antagonising a stranger due to some perceived wrong-doing which was a non event - is right. She was wrong to do what she did. He was wrong to push people. The whole thing could have been avoided.

once is a mistake.
twice is a deliberate attempt to run her over.

and no, you don't tell someone to shut their door while you park, you wait for them to finish what they're doing, move, and then you park.

In either case, you don't try and run them over.

Do you genuinely believe this? That he actually attempted to knock them down?

I find this bizarre. If you are attempting to run someone over them shouting doesn't stop you surely.

This whole thing is absurd to me. No wonder there are so many selfish people about when they're told this sort of behaviour is fine and correct.

The man PARKED ELSEWHERE. He did not shout at, threaten, scold or anything resembling that towards the OP. He parked elsewhere and went in to his appointment.

What happened after that is obviously his own doing and not acceptable, but the lead up to it was not a genuine attempt to knock someone over. How bizarre.

Albeit that I would have parked elsewhere, it is actually every drivers responsibility not to open a car door into the path of a moving vehicle. Where your respective cars are is irrelevant. Yes, he could have parked elsewhere. The OP could have waited to open the door and remove her child once he had parked. They are as bad as each other, both in terms of the incident, and of their respective subsequent actions.

Even OP says she’s not sure he saw/heard her. It fits the ‘aggressive man’ narrative though.

of course we all want to be forgiven but isn't it just good manners to apologise if you make a mistake?

He did that in essence by driving off and parking elsewhere. At that point you had made your point and you had "won". Starting the whole thing up again in public in front of a waiting-room full of unwell people was totally unnecessary and, to be honest, pretty dim.

Nope. Read my post again. The fact a few people on here are actually defending the assault on OP shows there are more dicks about than i thought, which explains the current culture of bad, inconsiderate behaviour..

Because politely requesting them not to sit outside my house (a terrace that opens out onto the street so the fumes and noise are really horrible) has had zero results in the past. I have in the past, calmly explained to them the effect it has and have been met with abuse and foul language . They sit there with the engine running sorting out their baggies ready to go dealing and I am sick of it. Maybe I should have added some context but I am totally sick of it.

He did that in essence by driving off and parking elsewhere. At that point you had made your point and you had "won".Starting the whole thing up again in public in front of a waiting-room full of unwell people was totally unnecessary and, to be honest, pretty dim.
I agree with you.

I've known a few people who like to "tell it how it is" or "can't help" starting arguments with people.

They have several things in common:

• They seem to have regular stories of confrontations they have with random people. Usually it's accompanied with a navel gazing excuse about why they're not like everyone else.
• They are obsessed with winning so get very annoyed when people don't fall in line/when people won't engage with the random person picking a fight.
• They do a DARVO style move in situations where eventually someone tells them to back off/shut up/go away/get out my face etc. At this point suddenly they are (apparently) ever so upset and distressed at how mean the other person was, they (apparently) had no idea that people might not take well to strangers picking any fight and the whole incident was absolutely awful for them.

I don't think they've grasped that most people don't go through life compulsively looking for conflict. Most people deal with things civilly if needed and drop other things because there's nothing gained by seeking arguments with random people.

If i felt I absolutely had to say something in the surgery i would’ve smiled politely and said ‘that was nearly an accident! Didn’t you see us?’

He would’ve then either said no (admitted fault, no harm done), yes (admitted fault, make himself look a total wanker) or said something irrelevant about your SUV (admitted fault and looked petty with it).

You would’ve walked away with either a civil apology or having made him look a total fool.

As it was you made yourself look a fool.

@LolaSmiles you’re spot on. Like I said my mother was like this. She too would’ve said she ‘couldn’t bear injustice’ but my word the things she caused arguments over were hardly injustices, more the clumsy mistakes people make navigating society every day. Somebody taking the last item she wanted in the shop, neighbours doing one off DIY in the early evening, and once an elderly man who had objected to my brother cycling up and down the pavement and nearly knocking him over (my brother was about 5, fairly wobbly and unaccompanied - risk to himself and others tbh). I remember her pulling up alongside him as we drove home, putting the window down and calling him a mean old bastard 😖😖😖

It’s absolutely exhausting having a parent like this and you dread going anywhere or doing anything with them, because they just fly off the handle so easily. They’re usually very dramatic and have rocky relationships with friends/family too (if they have friends!).

I think a random elderly man just deciding to try to kill the OP is very very unlikely.😂, even if she does drive an SUV and he doesn't like them.

Tbh, if the car park is anything like the one at my GP surgery, it will be teensy and quite stressful to park in. The whole thing sounds pointless and ridiculous, and I'm sure everyone in the waiting room was rolling their eyes at the OP's behaviour.

Some posters genuinely think he was trying to run OP over?! 😂

I would have said the exact same thing...I'm not sure why you've talked about "classic male aggression"? I didn't mention anything about gender - one person (rightly or wrongly) had cross words with another person, and the other person resorted to a physical attack on someone (the receptionist) who wasn't even anything to do with the original event! Who is what gender isn't important here.

Naptrappedmummy
She sounds exhausting!

You're right about them being dramatic as friends. They often cast you as an emotional support human in their drama and your job is to validate what they say without question. If you suggest that the other person was wrong AND their behaviour might have escalated the conflict then there's often emotionally manipulative outburst where you're positioned as the offender and they're yet again the victim (eg "I can't believe you're saying it's ok for them to have verbally abused me!" "You're victim blaming me"). It's got an undertone of "how dare you not play the role I decided you would play".

Over time I came to realise was the sort of logic that underpinned a lot of the conflicts. I started viewing it as almost narcissistic-style behaviour where they're the main character and everything is ok as long as friends/family/strangers play the correct role, but anger is round the corner of people don't play along.

Reading your and @Naptrappedmummy 's exchange has been so interesting! It's actually made me reconsider my opinion on the OP's original behaviour. I called it "calling out", but maybe her behaviour actually was just downright unreasonable? I guess we only have one side of the story, so we'll never know for certain. However! My point still stands - NOTHING excuses physical assault, especially on the receptionist who wasn't part of the original issue. Again, we have only heard one side of the story so we don't know how hard this push was. But it's not okay and I'm surprised by how many people are justifying that abhorrent behaviour.