For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

I would have muttered "twat" under my breath and gone about my business, probably would have told my partner about it when I got home and both agreed that there's lots of twats about these days

I was talking in general terms, being assertive is just being calm and grown up rather than shouting and screaming and allows the other person opportunity to apologise if the situation calls for it. The car driver situation would potentially cause a lot of people to shout initially as the driver reversed towards them. After that though, a calm exchange would have been better, and then no exchange within the surgery would have been needed.

As has been said above a general approach to life that assumes that everyone is doing their best and means no harm goes a long way in peaceful exchanges.

Although I think it should have been left alone once stepping inside the surgery, there is no excuse for a man to physically assault women regardless of what she has said. He should be banned from the surgery for the safety of other patients.

“isn't it just good manners to apologise if you make a mistake?”

You think you’re going to teach your son good manners by fighting with people in public?

YABU. You don't seem to be able to tell the difference between standing up for yourself and proactively seeking out or escalating confrontation. You stood up for yourself in the car park, then chose to pick a fight in the waiting room. You need to better judge when to confront someone and when to leave it alone.

Given you were screaming and waving as if to bash on his car it’s no wonder he didn’t approach you to apologise. He probably interpreted your actions as aggressive and assumed that you would continue the aggression towards him whatever he said……which you did inside anyway.

When you confront someone aggressively and go on the attack people tend to match your tone, stance and demeanour (which is what he did) unless they are good at defusing / de-escalating conflict.

It then escalated so much that it became physical. Both of you will have had points where you could have defused the situation but you both carried on matching and increasing the other’s approach to it.

You were right and he was wrong. Well done for speaking up against his arrogance.

When my kids were little we were going into McDonalds and this woman started parking a massive SUV next to us. I had to shut the doors and wait. When she got out of the car I muttered something like " could you not just wait a minute" ! Anyway when we came out there was grease and crisps smeared all over our car windows which I strongly suspected she had done. It's just not worth saying anything sometimes.

This sounds upsetting. But you really need to work on not being so reactive. You need to be able to cope with life’s inconsiderate people without pursuing them aggressively for retribution or apology. What good is going to come of that? Apart from anything else you’re putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation.

I have a friend like this whose life narrative is that she’s always being picked on unfairly, and people have it in for her for no reason. What she can’t see is that she goes through life like a ticking bomb, always on the brink of losing her shit completely if someone uses a tone of voice she doesn’t like or accidentally steps on her toe. I’m genuinely afraid of her anger. And when she encounters someone who has a similar temperament, the resulting conflict escalated rapidly into something really nasty.

I am honestly baffled that people think it's okay to behave in this way. A man tried to park in a space which was available. He was gestured to that the space was occupied and parked elsewhere. No harm occurred. The OP kept on and on provoking him and throwing insults which were unpleasant and unnecessary and the man reacted by pushing you. The fact the receptionist had to come out and try to calm you down suggests you were extremely angry & maybe the man felt threatened by this. I hope nobody screams at you at a vulnerable time in your life when you are elderly OP. I couldn't believe when I read about the man who was stabbed to death over a parking space at a car boot sale a few years ago but reading the replies on this thread I can see how terrible things happen over very minor situations.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked.

You are framing your anger issues as “allowing myself to be provoked”. But you weren’t provoked.

After the initial incident in the car park, you harassed the guy and escalated the situation because you weren’t able to let it go. That is something you really need to work on.

As has been said, the man obviously wasn’t trying to run you over. But you accused him of that. In the surgery. In front of everyone. Then you saracastly said he “should have went to Specsavers”. And you actually expected an apology.

Would you apologise to someone who was speaking to you like that? Would you just stand with your head down whilst a stranger berated you in public?

Maybe he’s right and you do need to get a smaller car. Car park spaces are small and if you’re taking up a free parking space by taking your door open it shows the car is too big. He was probably expecting you to shut the door so he could reverse in. You carried on the argument by going for him. Maybe next time take a deep breathe rather then lashing out. Next time it could be someone that will do something worse than push you.

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise and he started making it personal mocking me for the type of car I drove which frankly is none of his business as long as it was parked properly which it was. In my mind this suggested that he actually did do it on purpose as he clearly had a chip on his shoulder about people driving bigger cars. And I clearly have a chip on my shoulder about people trying to reverse over pedestrians with children when there is plenty of space for everyone. Him pushing the receptionist just came out the blue really, she was just asking everyone to calm down, quite rightly, that's when he did it. I am not absolving myself of blame as I inflamed the situation, particularly with the spec savers comment and I could have said nothing at all in the beginning and for on happily with me say, he could reverse into the next person happily (probably will anyway I'd his eye sight is that poor). Or just maybe he'll think twice. As will I!!

Got on happily with my day that should read 🥴

Well you seem to be aware you have a problem and are working on it. Keep going !

It's all about being firm, and confident in what you say when there's a problem. Take as if you're a professional doing it on behalf of someone else who has a grievance. Like, what would you do if this was at work? That way, you can be assertive and get your point across without shouting etc as that devalues your point and as you say, it can lead to worse consequences.

Stop excusing male violence and blaming women for it. I'm fed up of women having to fucking submit and tolerate shitty behaviour from men. No way would this man have reacted in the same way if the OP was male.

I hope you're ok OP.

Next time something happens like this force yourself to take a moment and think about how much the trigger incident (in this case a man trying to reverse into a space) really impacts your day / life and whether you will remember it in a few days / week? Most of the time the confrontation and aggressive reaction to something minor ends up impacting on you and your loved ones far more than the supposed trigger incident.

If you had just shrugged and let it go and focused on your child in the waiting room you wouldn’t be in the state you’re in now, your day would have been so much better and you’d probably have forgotten it all in a day or so. But because of your reaction and subsequent behaviour you’re feeling bad about yourself and you’ll likely ruminate over it for a lot longer.

Was it worth it?

Just get on with your day OP, the man will.

I think this was your Mama Bear coming out! It’s anger inducing when your child is put in danger.

I can relate in general though. As you’ve seen, people can be really odd and unreasonable at best, scary and violent at worse. It’s never worth it. But I do feel the pull to put things right very strongly!

I think this is good advice and I agree, it's reasonable to stand up for yourself, but you're going in quite confrontational and that is likely to put the other person on the defensive straight away. I'd try to learn more about the difference between assertiveness and aggressive communication and to be honest, I'd go for counselling. Sometimes it comes from years of not being heard as a child, or feeling like you always really had to fight for yourself or you'd maybe miss out or feel like noone else will fight for you. So understanding where its coming from will really help you to pause in that moment and say do you know what - is this worth it?

That is neither here, nor there. The fact is that the OP had her young child with her, he could have been hurt, when the man pushed at her. For his sake, she needs to learn when to let things go.

@Namechangey23

Unfortunately in life there are individuals who are Arseholes,

Thankfully there are some decent 👌 people who are better too,

Choose your battles wisely in life,

i know its easier to say in theory than in reality,
with these kinds of Arseholes come across in life to contend with Unfortunatel,

It's understandable you got worked up about parking issue and dog shit issue on your door step footpath ect,

I really think 🤔 once someone gets a certain age elderly it should be mandatory,
they have to have car driving test to see if there faculties are still Sharpe enough to be driving safely on uk roads,

and there is nothing ageist discrimination about that...

I agree with this. I’m very much like you, OP, and would usually say something to people doing the horrible things that you mention. But experience has shown me that when a person is behaving unreasonably, it’s not possible to reason with them, no matter how right I am. So I try just to say “nut job” in my head or under my breath and move on.
Sorry that happened to you 💓