For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

There were 6 other free parking spaces... Would you really choose the one with parent unloading their child out of all the available options? Even despite there being at least three spaces free and alltogether which are easy to park in?
It's either bloody mindedness, inconsiderate behaviour or he was just blind. I could have driven a mini in there and only just had enough room within the space to get my DS out with door open. I'm not exactly skinny myself and the spaces are tight. We do have a smaller car but it doesn't fit both our car seats and bases in unfortunately so my other half drives it.

I think unfortunately many people are honestly evil these days, not necessarily criminals but sure , give them a chance, many with such character tendencies ( not you but the man who pushed you and another woman and you holding the baby???) , will eventually abuse someone physically or abuse or etc

you see these young people stabbing others around just because they were not in good mood. These are real people walking the streets every day who given a chance to be cruel would.

My advice won't be the most popular, but if you are not sure and they are strangers, keep quiet and mind your own business.

What you must learn is that no one must be challenged or criticised. Back in the day the old duffer who nearly squashed you in the car park would’ve had said sorry, Oh no not now. Anyone you tell off wants to escalate things. I think it’s got worse since covid personally.

I would say him because I started off asking a question did he realise

If you really can’t see how it was you that started the incident in the waiting room, then I would definitely recommend counselling OP. You say in your initial post that:

I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

It is pretty obvious that he realised what happened given that you were screaming and shouting at him in the car park and that he drove off and parked elsewhere. So you asking him the question in the waiting room “Did you realise…” can only be you gunning for an argument. I don’t see what else you were trying to achieve.

You sound like a nightmare. Stand up for yourself by all means if necessary but you clearly escalated things too far over nothing at all.
you don’t know what the man was there for. He might have been very stressed out waiting for test results and you goaded him. Actually nothing happened in the car park did it? He parked in a different space.

you need to get a grip of yourself.
I’m surprised at the number of yanbu votes.

What problem? Pointing out to a tosser that they almost caused an accident? I suspect the man who physically assaulted 2 women and a small child is the one who will be sanctioned.

What happened after he pushed the receptionist? That's assault and far more serious than your specsavers jibe.

What shitty behaviour did the OP have to tolerate from this man?

She was screaming and shouting at him in the car park, she followed him in the waiting room, berated him and made sarcastic comments to him.

In what way was the OP made to submit to this man?

This is exactly right ^^

Stop shouting and screaming at people. There's no need for it. Speak to people reasonably and politely and you'll probably get along much better.

True

And fair play for speaking up also

Some people are utter fcking arse wipes

We got shouted at in a shop yesterday by the rude shop owner

My 2 year old took something on a display
I went to get it from her and he starts on both of us

Been going to this shop for years

Left everything down and walked out

Was so ready for a fight with this idiot but was he worth it??

So hard OP and I totally see what you mean

Unfortunately, you think you’re standing up for yourself when you’re actually being very aggressive. Screaming and shouting at people who have annoyed you in front of your child is not acceptable and you are being a very poor role model. Obviously the elderly gentleman ended up also responding unacceptably but that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been screaming at him. He made a simple mistake in the car park. Nothing happened, you should have left it.

I think it might be as well for you to learn conflict resolution and some anger management techniques during some counselling so that you know
a) how to de-escalate situations
b) why you behave like this so you can begin to address your issues

Currently you are teaching your child that if something irritates you then you scream and shout at people to sort things out; and IRL that’s not how people generally treat each other. Good luck

How would he not have realised that he almost caused an accident, if you screamed and banged on the car, and then he went and parked elsewhere? He must have realised.

So your question to him was really not about trying to point out something to him that he didn't know, in the hopes that he'll change his behaviour the next time. You were trying to force an apology out of him - and while that might be totally understandable, as he was wrong in trying to get into the space while you were in it - you can't force apologies out of people.

I think you need to consider what you want out of a situation, and whether that is likely to happen. You can want an apology, but if it isn't going to happen, then inflaming a situation isn't going to help. It just comes across as trying to get revenge by showing him up in public, which isn't going to accomplish the goal of changing his behaviour another time.

If he realised how close he was to an accident, and thinks about it, that will in itself make him change his behaviour, if he's the sort of person that will change. If you behave aggressively towards him, he will just double down and convince himself that he's in the right and not change anyway - you really aren't going to get him to change his ways by sarcastic comments. They might make you feel better in the moment - understandably so! - but don't really help in the long run.

Just trying to think of ways to leave it in the future - hoping that the scare causes him to rethink, knowing that you protected your child, realising that he made a mistake and possible reasons for it that might explain (not excuse) it, etc, might help you stay calmer.

Not saying something in a situation doesn't equal agreeing that the other person is right.

I'm a hothead too at times, especially with men, as I won't be berated by any bloke or told what to do! I've had some close calls but it doesn't seem to shut me up. Solidarity sister....fuck em I say 😆

You’re not to blame for how this stupid sack of shit man behaved. He assaulted people, that’s on him
and no one else.

You must have known he wasn’t going to apologise though. It just wasn’t going to happen. I’m not saying you’re in the wrong to confront him for nearly reversing into you and your baby- he deserved to be called out on it. You’re kidding yourself to think he might acknowledge that.

He's not worth your breath.

I guess he could have been there for an appointment for something very worrying or have mental health issues.

He was very wrong to push you though.

You chose to escalate the situation by having a go at him inside the surgery. There was no need at all, he had parked elsewhere and it should have ended there. Instead you put the receptionist in danger and your baby. You have an anger management problem and you have a responsibility to seek help for this.

I agree with this. You have described 2 awful incidents that have happened to you. But you haven't chosen sensible responses. People are volatile and you have no idea how they are going to respond to you.

It’s difficult isn’t it. You don’t want to be a doormat but agree starting up inside the surgery wasn’t a good idea imo.
You could pick on the wrong person one day and get more than a push and some bad language.

No actual harm was done outside, he moved away from you. He was never going to apologise as he didn’t think he had done anything wrong. Let it go. If it’s not continuing to impact you, there was nothing to gain from rounding on him inside the surgery. Being aggressive and using sarcasm isn’t going to get you anywhere.

I have a friend like this, she’s lovely but my god the red mist can descend in a heart beat.
Someone almost drove into her, then beeped their horn at her. She pursued them and caught up with them, the woman in the car was crying, had found out a relative had been taken sick was rushing hence driving erratically. Neither of them felt good about what had happened, almost causing an accident and then being pursued / pursuing, culminating in both being very upset, late, anxious etc etc, NOTHING was achieved, changed, altered, no apologies from either side just justifications for acting the way each had (and they may well have caused an accident involving someone else.) Sometimes you just have to let it go.

One day you're going to pick on the wrong person and you'll get leathered. Nearly like in the drs when you put your baby into harms way. Also can't believe you basically caused the receptionist to be assaulted.

OP, congratulations on recognising that perhaps you're not approaching this in the best way, and trying to do something about it.

What comes across to me from some of your comments is that you don't realise how some of your behaviour comes across. You say that the comment 'did you realise that you nearly ran us over' was just asking a question, but it's not in the same league as saying something like 'did you realise that you left your lights on'. The first is confrontational and the second is a simple question.

In the same vein, you can't think of any good reasons why he might have wanted to park in that particular space, so you're assuming there can't be any and he was therefore in the wrong. I'm not saying whether he was right or wrong, just that you don't seem able to conceive of circumstances where he might have been right, or even just mistaken rather than at fault.

One thing that might help give you a wider perspective is, when you feel calmer, to write a list of say 20 reasons why he might have behaved the way he did. You are allowed to put things that are highly unlikely or even downright ridiculous, but you will find that in among them are things that make you think 'you know what, that's actually a possibility'. The more you can cultivate awareness of these other possibilities, the less likely you are to react confrontationally. You can do something similar with a list of ways you might have reacted. That will give you more options to play with in the future.

I can relate to this OP and especially the shaking, trembling wreck afterwards. I was a "spitfire" when I was younger and somehow felt invincible but I seemed to calm down as I got older. I was latterly diagnosed with ADHD so that is a possibility. I'm not trying to put labels on you but maybe consider it. It runs in my family and I did have other behaviours that I now recognise were all part of this. Either way, it's a horrible and exhausting feeling.

Honestly? It sounds like you have a really poor attitude

You don't have adhd by any chance? It's sometimes associated with a heightened sense of justice.

I have come across people like you, and to be honest, I dont know why people cannot just keep their noses out and get on with their lives.

Recently, an elderly lady decided to pass comment to me about something she knew nothing about, yet she thought I was wrong, or doing something wrong. I wasn't by the way. I dont think she expected me to bite back, but as soon as I told her to keep her trap shut, I walked away.

People like her run risk of doing it next time to somebody who wouldnt just walk away and will get physical.

If nobody got hurt, is being racist/criminal etc, it is sometimes best to just let it go!