For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

What an awful reply.

This is what not to do.

One day you well get your teeth kicked in and I'd imagine you wouldn't like that to happen in front of your child so perhaps seek therapy for your behaviour problems.

This.

Yes. You take a huge risk when confronting a stranger as you've no idea how they'll react.

I think you were an absolute tool tbh, you put your child at risk and ended up getting someone assaulted (just doing their job) due to your own irresponsible actions and behaviour.

All sound like a load of cunts, not you. On the flip side I grew up with a very non confrontational mum and learned to say something otherwise you just get walked all over. People are so used to behaving how they like and assume people won't say anything, then get their back up when someone points their shit behaviour out. I don't blame you for saying something.

There is a certain type of person with a compulsion to park closest to the supermarket (doctors) entrance which means spending 5min reversing into the narrowest space whilst everyone else who took the first free space at the end of the car park is already down Isle 3!

Wow, that is really nasty.

It makes sense that you have practice with this kind of thing because you are quite obviously the problem.

I agree with this and this is the approach I take when driving. I notice people almost look surprised if you just smile and put the thumbs up if they’ve made a minor mistake or taking ages to park. People seem to expect they are going to get an aggressive, impatient response and when they don’t you can see the relief and everyone goes about their day thinking people aren’t so bad after all!

The right time to deploy assertiveness is when you need an appointment for a sick child, or a bill is wrong, or something needs dealing with urgently. And sarcasm and aggression won't work then either.

YABVU and need to control yourself.

You are setting a very poor example for your son.

The world is full of arseholes and you joining in will generally end badly. I don't think you need to feel guilty but it is worth making a mental note that you don't have the social skills to manage the situation successfully once you have escalated it, and bear that in mind before doing so.

I suppose this is why so many people content themselves with tutting and muttering and dirty looks...it causes inconvenience to everyone when you wrestle the pig!

Apart from the pushing, I’m with team old man.
You should have shut the door whilst he was parking in the space, that’s what most reasonable people would have done and probably what he was expecting you to do.
Why on earth you felt the need to have an argument with him at reception when he had moved spaces is beyond me. Surely you should have just thanked him for changing spaces so you could continue getting your child out without interruption.
And I also agree with him that SUVs are a nuisance taking up too much space in parking spots particularly difficult for opening doors to get children out. I do hope you apologised to the receptionist for causing such a scene, their jobs are hard enough without breaking up fights at the counter.

I never grovel. That's not needed. But pleasantness on the roads is needed so we can all function. People are tired, stressed, CoL, feeling not great, don't indicate blah. If you have never made a mistake yourself, call them all out. I wouldn't.

Don't ask men with XL bullies to pick up their dog shit in an aggressive manner either!

I'm guessing this man has probably been banned form the GP surgery now ?

What’s his age got to do with this?
mumsnet loves to have a go at the oldies…especially if they are in-laws!

I think that is fair. I wish I had engaged brain before mouth. I think you are right, I probably assume the worst about people. Probably in this case because of the fact that he stopped once and then carried on going it was as if he saw me but decided he was going to carry on regardless and try to force me out the way. Of course I don't know that for sure. There wasn't really anywhere I could go anyway without leaving my son unstrapped in the car or trying to squish myself past his car and I was in a hurry too to get to the appointment. It certainly wasn't the easiest space when there were three other spaces side by side which were free and 6 free in total without someone standing in them.. of course we all want to be forgiven but isn't it just good manners to apologise if you make a mistake?

I think the man should be banned. He put his hands on the receptionist. Even if the OP is a giant twat, that's never ok. That's the thing when you escalate, you may escalate with someone who is a bigger twat than you as happened here.

OP what helps me in these situations is to remember you have no idea what kind of day a person is having . And you can only control what you do , not what anyone else does.

Yes there is a middle ground.

You know that.

It sounds like you are thinking that whenever anyone does something that has a negative impact on you that they are doing it out of malice.

Usually this is not the case, and usually it's either that they are antisocial and do it all the time (so never clear their dogs mess up) or they've simply made a mistake.

I make mistakes all the time. I expect you do as well.

In general, if you go up to people you don't know and try to "call them out" on their mistakes/ the behaviour you don't like then they are going to respond with anger.

So imagine the dog walking guy is thinking "shit, I left the dog poo bags at home today I can't believe I forgot them again! I hope the dog doesn't poo somewhere too bad and my mistake doesn't get noticed".

You then come out and talk to him. That conversation is not going to go well.

Alternatives: take out a plastic bag - and say "hi I'm sorry but your dog has messed and I saw you've not cleaned it up, I guess you've forgotten your bags, would you mind doing it?"

But honestly the likelihood is that he's not going to respond well.

So you are essentially picking fights with people. Ask yourself - why am I angry? What am I really angry about?

Realistically if you keep picking fights with people at some point you will get seriously emotionally or physically hurt. People do not like being called out on their behaviour.

Emotionally though, you WERE thinking of you and your son's safety. The immediate risk of him driving into you had passed but you were still very much in fight or flight mode, still anxious and vigilant about the threat, and wanting to act to make sure the threat didn't get you again (which sounds ridiculous rationally speaking, but that's how our brains work). You wanted to warn him so he didn't do it again, and he responded badly because he felt threatened by you and probably felt embarrassed too.

I don't think it's a bad thing to stand up for yourself, including when your child is present to witness it. You must have been so shaken up and felt sick at nearly having you and your child driven into by an unsafe driver. And it wasn't your fault he chose to escalate to violence. But yes, there are times when it's safer to bite your tongue if you can, or to approach it in a more reasonable manner if you can. Saying more calmly 'excuse me, what happened in the car park? You nearly hit me and my son and didn't seem to notice, are you okay?' as if from a place of concern would have highlighted to him his error. But sometimes you just can't do it can you. We all have those moments, other than people who for their own reasons are absolute pushovers/doormats who wouldn't say boo to a goose.

I hope he was barred from the surgery for assaulting staff. I think you were pretty restrained honestly. Many people would have marched over in the car park and screamed in his face to be more careful, or worse. Being older doesn't excuse someone from their dangerous actions.

you verbally assaulted the man first , who escalated the assault, you or him?

You went in all guns blazing when you had your child with you. Regardless of who was right and wrong you were complete unreasonable to start a row with a baby present.

You didn’t know what nutter you were confronting. Learn to hold your shit together when your children are around

Also OP... you never know what might come from your actions. Maybe if you'd said nothing he wouldn't have realised what he almost did. Maybe the shock of realising what he did and how he responded and being barred from the surgery or questioned over assaulting staff and a child might have been a wake up call for him, privately, to realise he is no longer a safe driver. Don't beat yourself up.

I think you're right to stand up for yourself as a rule, but I'd be more careful when you've got your DS in your arms in case he got hurt, so it was probably better to have just blanked him no matter how much it irked you. Some people will never change the way the behave towards others no matter how many times they are called on it
I try to always keep my voice steady & calm, even if I'm angry and upset inside when the other party is screaming at me, I think it helps to not escalate it so much, also anyone witnessing the event can see who the raving loony is in the scene. Other times I will simply walk away without a word. I wouldn't ever give them the satisfaction of knowing they'd got to me.