For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

I hate all this crap about ‘calling people out’. It’s just an excuse to try and shame or make someone look stupid in public and rarely actually solves the issue. Purposely embarrassing someone in public never goes well.
You can easily point something out and have a quiet, calm conversation without resorting to being an aggressive arsehole yourself.

I agree with this 100%
I think practice being assertive will help you feel you are dealing with situations, but not doing so in a way that is aggressive/confrontational or likely to lead to arguments.

Assertiveness and knowing when you leave a situation….

Sounds like your Dh needs to be more assertive too

The problem here is that you react, get into a row, don't withdraw when it might be diplomatic or self protective to do so and then blame yourself and feel awful. I can be like that so I know that I have to rein it in and I do, most of the time. I won't get involved in arguments such as in supermarkets - or as in your case a doctor's surgery, so will let it go rather than escalate or have the last word. I do the same online, even if someone is snarky or condescending and merits a retort. But I'll make an exception for dogs fouling.

It's personality largely isn't it - as you say, your husband is completely different. While you are being introspective and questioning yourself you might like to try one of those tests for insight into your personality and what makes you tick - see for instance, https://www.16personalities.com/ But whatever a test may tell you, you still need to be aware of your own pitfalls and practise lowering the temperature in situations to protect yourself from getting embroiled and ending up in a bad state.

I think the key here is that you recognise it, that is a massive in helping to change it. You lack impulse control at times but you recognise that - don't beat yourself up.

I think a lot of people have their 'version' of this. For me it is anxiety and intrusive thoughts. A normal everyday occurrence for a lot of people can have my mind spiralling into complete catastrophe. I am also guilty of taking an interaction that has annoyed me - and letting my mind spiral it out of control. The result is always bad.

I have done a lot of work on trying to observe my own mind/emotions/thoughts - rather than just 'believe' them and run with them (usually with a bad outcome). It takes practice - but you try and catch your 'mind' when it starts to escalate. For you when the anger starts to rise, your thoughts follow this and feed it and it escalates into situations like today. Try and catch it at the start - and make a conscious decision not to follow it. I call it 'changing the channel'. As soon as I feel my mind start to spiral - I remind myself that these are just my thoughts they are not 'real' I don't need to follow them or act on them. I change the channel and direct focus elsewhere. The feelings pass much sooner than you expect. No feeling is final.

The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters is a great book for this.

My late FIL, had this same tendency. He was a reasonable, gentle and kind man to friends and family, but if he felt slighted or crossed by a stranger or someone in an official position he would see red and become obsessed about winning an argument - falling out with neighbours, people in shops, his bank and all manner of people he met. My DM was also the same (although just as bad with family and friends!) and eventually fell out with everyone.
It caused all sort of stress for those around him, my DH and I are the complete opposite and avoid falling out with others if we can.

Try to think why you react this way - why do you need to be in the right so much, surely you can see that others are not always perfect and make mistakes. Your needs do not trump other people’s, maybe he had reasons for wanting to park next to you, I prefer to park next to other cars rather than in a large set of free spaces - it helps when lining up in a space and you can make sure you have space to get out. Maybe the space was nearest the door. You didn’t have a right to have an empty space next to you just because you have an SUV and child seat.

You made a mistake.
You overreacted! and things escalated.

I would look at calming techniques like yoga, meditation.
Dont be that person that everyone knows screaming and arguing in the street.
If you have something you feel is important to point out do so politely.

Also maybe try to think the best of people (I struggle with this) and not the worst. I often have an internal monologue about situations that frame them in a way where people are purposely doing things to be unkind/rude. In reality most people are oblivious to their mistakes. Eg the old man reversing maybe hasn’t had a child to get out the car in a long time and so is not understanding how it feels for a parent to have a car reversing close to them. Or he is distracted by running late for example. None of that makes what he did ok, but it does frame it in a more human way.

I have been assertive ehen people pushed past me in the queue etc. Even though I have been non confrontational they still turned it into a huge fight. When I tell them to stop shouting at me it makes it worse.

Even if you were calm and assertive, the person would still verbally attack you.

I know psychologists give advice but they assume everyone is calm, reasonable, will admit if they are wrong. Not everyone is decent so the assertiveness doesn't work on a lot of people.

There's nothing wrong with speaking up. You just need to work on a way of doing that where you're assertive but not agressive/provocative and when you are confident you will be able to control yourself and not end up throwing personal insults about. There's plenty of stuff on line about positively challenging people, phrases to avoid to reduce the risk of it escalating, and so on. So, I'd say, do it, but only if and when you can approach it with skill not emotion.

If people are being overly assertive with me for a minor infringement, their confidence rubs me up the wrong way. I stare at them and ask them to explain their issue. I stay calm but they don't....

Why are people picking on the OP for "screaming and shouting" at someone reversing towards her and her child, close enough for her to need to prepare to bang on the boot of the car?

How else are you meant to get the attention of someone INSIDE a car and clearly not looking? Wave and apologise for being flattened once you're under the wheels or they've ripped your car door off?

The stupid bugger was about to reverse into her and her baby.. i'd be bloody screaming and shouting to get him to stop too.. especially after he stopped, and THEN CONTINUED to reverse towards her.

Damn right i'd be saying something in the Dr's to the dickhead too.

Do you have any trauma from childhood? In my experience people who struggle to not be able to control their response to being triggered have experienced some kind of trauma and so their learnt behaviours/responses aren't necessarily what they would like them to be.
Now I'm not saying you shouldn't have been annoyed by that man but if you feel you aren't happy with your reaction and don't know why you do it then I'd suspect it's from past learnt behaviours. I'd always recommend therapy to someone who isn't happy with how they react to things.

The man sounds like a a complete arsehole which he proved when he used physical force to try and dominate the women and child, thus winning (in his mind) the argument. You can be sure he has done this before, it didn't come out of nowhere.

Anyone else find it terrifying if someone with such an explosive temper capable of causing an absolute scene in a public place over a parking space is in charge of a young baby?
If this were a man, what would happen? As the medical staff I’m surprised they didn’t taking that baby off you until satisfied you are stable enough to leave and care for it safely.

The posters calling people cunts and wankers and tossers are the low bar of how to function well in society, where sometimes things aren't going to go your way. Aim way higher than them, be polite but assertive and walk away (or don't start) unnecessary drama.

Wow. This thread is insane. It's NOT the OPs fault that the man was aggressive. We shouldn't have to tip toe through life so as not to upset the men.

Hello, are you me? I am much the same. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t have a very happy childhood and have a pretty aggressive father who was forever calling strangers out, so I’ve always assumed it’s come out of that.

This reply is absolutely unhinged.

Oh here we go....

OP wasnt causing a scene over a parking space.

She was upset over the idiot nearly running her and her child over.

What a ridiculous and unhinged comment.

Well done for having the self awareness around the impact of your own behaviours.

What comes across from your posts OP is a strong sense of righteousness and the desire for other people to behave to your own standards (eg apologising for mistakes etc). I’d suggest that while it’s good to hold yourself to high standards, you can’t control other people or how they react. So you need better coping strategies to avoid the red mist descending when you encounter other people who you perceive as behaving wrongly.

The old man at the GP - what were you hoping to gain out of the interaction in reception? An apology? An admission he was wrong and you were right? Just venting? I used to be quite reactive too and had to learn to let a lot of things go. Thinking what I wanted to achieve in a situation helped me do that. Plus realising that being pleasant (even though inside I was seething) got me a lot further than my usual sarcasm.

You did nothing wrong, I would have had to say something too. Some people have no consideration from others, he obviously went to park in that space because he could, rather than showing a bit of decency and parking somewhere else

Well, this has been an interesting read and made me think about my own behaviour. I'm a bit reactionary to incidents like these and don't always handle it well. I suppose I think if inconsiderate people aren't called out they'll carry on and someone needs to stand up to them. However, it's risky and can backfire. It doesn't mean we should all be meek and allow others to act like dickheads with impunity but you need to pick your battles and learn how to do it with skill.