For reacting to people who treat me poorly..assaulted at the doctors surgery

[Namechangey23]

I suspect the answer is yes IABU and normal people don't do this! Please help me understand why I am like this and what I can do to fix it.

This is a typical example of a situation I have got myself into by reacting and allowing myself to be provoked. I was taking my DS (1 yr) for vaccinations and parked neatly in one of many available spaces at my local surgery. Just as I was trying to get him out of his car seat with the door open, I see out of the corner of my eye this guy in his 70s or beyond starts reversing into the space I am standing in with the door open. Note that there are various other spaces even side by side which he could have gone into but no, he chose the one I was standing in with DS half out of his car seat. I waved and shouted and he stopped....then he carried on again so I screamed and shouted at him preparing to smack the back end of his car as I thought he somehow still hasn't seen me and there wasn't room for me to stand out the way. Finally he then moves off, parks opposite and walks off inside without a word.

This is where I then made a poor decision. I had to stand next to him whilst logging into their system. I was so angry and shocked at what just happened that I decided he wasn't going to get away with it, so I said to him.. you do realise you just almost ran us over...I was expecting he might apologise. This then started off an argument in front of the whole waiting room. I asked him why he chose to park in the only space I was standing in when there were 6 other spaces available and he just said 'it was a space wasn't it' and he said 'you shouldn't have such a big car" I said I can have what car I like (honestly it's not big just a very basic standard budget SUV, not some enormous tank!) And I was parked responsibly in the space, it is customary to need the door open when getting a child out and unfortunately they don't have child spaces with more room and I didn't want to park in the disabled spacs as that's not for me! I'm afraid he pissed me off even more with his comment about my car so I said something I wasn't proud of along the lines of "should have gone to Specsavers because I'm not sure how you didn't see me? " Anyway of course it escalated, the receptionist tried to intervene to calm us down, and then he pushed all three of us, her most as she was inbetween him and me still holding DS. I feel totally devastated because she ended up bearing the brunt of what was obviously meant for me. Also mortified this was in front of everybody, although they were very kind. But also because I should have left it well alone as I had my son in my arms, why oh why didn't I keep my mouth firmly shut?! A miss (even a near miss!) Is as good as a mile as they say. What is wrong with me, why do I put myself and others at risk just to be right? It's like the sense of injustice takes over and fight wins over flight even when it makes common sense not to poke the hornets nest.

It's happened before. I asked someone outside my house which fronts onto a footpath to pick up their dog mess and got verbally abused and I think there are other incidents I can't remember now. Incidently I always end up a shaking blubbing emotional wreck after such incidents so why do I do it??! In my head I think I'm sticking up for myself. But it usually ends up worse for me and I feel like in taking these risks, one day I could end up with myself in serious trouble or dead doing it. How can I stop myself in future when it's almost reflexive! I know I need to control myself. Incidently my husband is the complete opposite extreme and a pacifist. He avoids conflict like the plague and never gets himself in any situations like this as a result. If there is a problem with a bill or contractor I have to deal with it. Is there a middle ground?!
Incidently my DS got his vaccines (all 4!) but it wasn't at all the calm experience I was hoping for...

I would just wonder what that achieves? I would never escalate something as to me there is no point and it would just make me feel more upset, plus is distressing for your child. I don't let someone's behaviour dictate my own ethical code

No, sticking up for yourself isn’t wrong OP. I had the same thing when I asked a guy to pick up his dog shit and he tried to attack me.

id do it again. People think they can bully and intimidate their way around life and treat communal spaces like shit. It’s not right.

@Raspberryjamsandwich

"You don't have adhd by any chance? It's sometimes associated with a heightened sense of justice."

You posted just after my own comment about ADHD which I personally was diagnosed with some time ago. You are quite right although I would say it is more a heightened sense of injustice and the feeling of exclusion. I suppose "being picked on" is a better description. I used to suffer with it a lot and it led to confrontation, confusion and and upset.

and upset, not and and upset!

OP don’t give your reaction a second thought! Life’s too short and maybe the stupid man will be more considerate of mums and open car doors in future. Additionally dog owners who don’t pick up need a reminder sometimes. They’d stoop to pick up a £5 so why not their dog poo?

I had a recent issue with a male middle aged “prick” jumping ahead of me in the Aldi cashier’s queue! His audacity was breathtaking.

I was seething but held my temper and let it wash over me as no way was I going to give the queue lining up behind me, a side show!

As others have commented, sometimes it’s not the best response to “give it large” these days because who knows how dreadful the outcome might be?

Big hug OP.

Yes you're right, you made a poor decision.

If you expect the worst of people you will get the worst of them.

You assumed he reversed towarss you intentionally, and was "treating you badly", so you decided to have a go at him.

But it is more likely that he just didn't check before reversing, and it was a mistake, or carelessness. He probably felt a bit embarrassed, and by having a go at him in public you escalated things.

You were an arse and he was a violent bully. Neither shining in glory.

So much drama 🙄 Screaming and shouting is indicative of loss of control. No one reacts well to hysteria. Try behaving in a more adult manner, you might actually get somewhere.

OP you said you wanted advice on how to stop (over) reacting in this way, but in later replies you seem to be justifying your behaviour and emphasising how badly the man behaved so I am not sure how much you really want to change.

In the surgery you were not 'standing up for yourself', you were creating a row. Lambasting the man was never going to have the effect you wanted (an apology), you were just venting your anger and you did not think about the potential consequences.

What happened in the car park was a minor irritation, nothing bad happened. Let it go.

I did apologise profusely multiple times to the receptionist. He didn't however, considering he was the one who pushed us. I would have shut the door if there was space to do it as I can actually holding my son at this point and a changing bag. I just think it's pretty inconsiderate choosing to park right there when I'm trying to wrestle a screaming 1 year old our their space when there were plenty of other options. I think I'm realising there is a whole attitude against SUVs, I don't own it, I lease or via work. I like it because it feels safer than our old vauxhall car when everyone else is driving SUVs in my area. I could understand if I lived in Cornwall with narrow lanes but I don't.

You’re not a victim because you have an SUV 🙄

Read the post above yours. The first paragraph.

Agree with this. The confrontation in the parking lot…justified and an appropriate reaction. Starting up once in the office was not, it was picking a fight.

@Namechangey23
Nobody owes you an apology even if you think they do or in a situation where you would customarily receive one. Behaving as you did put you in the wrong.

I think we’re seeing the overdeveloped sense of righteousness that the OP described herself of having

Op this isn't a you problem, it's a them problem. You just had a couple of incidents where you came up against complete assholes.

Everyone telling you that you escalated it are just full of crap - they escalated it by not simply apologising and doing the right thing. Sadly though you can't reason with complete assholes.

But I applaud you in standing up for yourself.

OP you’re still trying to justify why you became so angry, blaming other people for your extreme anger issues. If you were a man everyone on here would be saying you need to do something about your temper.
Maybe look at some anger management resources to help, it’s not doing you any favours as it’s causing you stress for hours, potentially leading you into dangerous situations, and a really bad example to set your DCs.

Does it stem from your upbringing OP? I grew up in a home where my dad was awful. Always fighting and arguing / being violent with one of us. There was a lot of arguments in our house - sometimes daily. It took me a long time as an adult to realise that's not how everyone is. My DH is also a calm person so I learned a lot from him. His family are also all calm people - his parents especially.
Going forward you maybe need to just practise letting things go. Easier said than done though.

To be fair OP you didn't begin today looking for a fight. He invaded your space whilst you were in protective mode with your baby receiving his jabs. You merely reacted to a situation you were placed in by this man.
For what it's worth I've reacted similarly in the past, as I'm sure most people have!
I try to live my life with a degree of consideration to others & expect the same back-& if not people just need to stay out of my space (& yours!)

Interesting, the comments about ADHD upthread. I'm autistic- and suspect I may have some degree of ADHD- and have form for reacting like this.

Firstly, I would say that you were NOT in the wrong. He physically assaulted you and the receptionist. Leaving tone or whatever aside, you were pulling him up for doing something that could have seriously hurt you and your child. That is never wrong. Whether it was wise, or whether you could have phrased it better, is quite another question.

I'm exactly the same though...I cannot keep my cool for the life of me- God, how I wish I could manage to be calmly assertive! I think, neurodiversity aside, this is something we're uniquely crap at in the UK. I'm wondering how the responses would have differed if you'd posted this in a German forum, for example?! I think fuming impotently at antisocial or selfish behaviour is pretty damaging for society, and that sometimes people do need telling.

I live close to a school, and the parking is beyond belief. Massive cars parked on the junction and the bus stop, making it dangerous for children to cross the road, and nobody- neither the school, the parish council or the police will do anything about it. Recently I had a go at the driver of an SUV who pulled onto the pavement, on the junction, just in front of us as we were walking to school, swiftly followed by another one mindlessly copying him. Yes, we had a horrible argument- in front of the kids, too- and I was upset for the rest of the day. But you know what? Since then, no SUVs have parked on the pavement on the corner, so word must have got out you'll get grief from the crazy mad bitch who lives there.

Would I prefer that it had all been handled in a different way? Definitely! But when push comes to shove, if nobody else is going to stick up for you against the inconsiderate and dangerous people in our society, then you're going to have to do it yourself. And I'm happy in the knowledge that I've made the walk to school that little bit safer for all the kids- even those with the nice, non confrontational mummies who don't want to cause a fuss 🙄

Given about 1% or more of the population are psychopaths, it's always better to stand up for yourself in a calm way if it's needed at all (which it wasn't in the GP's surgery). I stand up for myself a lot. I don't let men walk all over me, not in the car, not when driving. But every now and again you meet someone very aggressive or on steroids or having a bad day- go to the Relationship section of Mumsnet to see the lovely specimens out there. Now think about whether acting aggressively to them to 'stand up for yourself' whilst you have a child in your arms is a good plan,.

Standing up for yourself in an assertive manner is about being calm, pleasant, knowing when to move forward to assert yourself and when to back off as the other person is just weird, peculiar, ill or super-aggressive. It's a skill, the Op isn't interested in developing it, she's interested in rehearsing even now why she was in the right, even though another woman got assaulted as a result of the escalation.

Are you saying it's ok just to reverse without looking?? That it would have been fine if he had knocked them down because he just didn't check before reversing?
And that it wasn't on him to apologise if he just nearly knocked down a woman and child because he was 'careless'?

Honestly the justification for shitty men's behaviour on MN never fails to amaze me.

OP you got so upset because these people behaved like assholes and you couldn't understand why they would be like that. Don't change, just understand that some people are just twats.

Totally agree! I think possibley it is an anger management thing. Although I can feel glad I didn't hit the guy when he pushed us. It is a bad example...interesting you should say that as I realise this behaviour was modelled by my father... I don't want to stick up for myself if it ends up in other people being injured or upset. I would rather be a pacifist! I want the quiet life! I don't feel in control of my reaction. It was visceral.

@Namechangey23 us women are put on this earth to deal with ancient manly egos with small dicks! dont worry about it!

I've nearly hit someone in the supermarket car park recently when I was reversing, just didn't see them. Waved and luckily they realised it wasn't malicious intent. I didn't need to get out and grovel at them.

Both over aggression and under-reacting are problematic. The Op needs to learn the middle way (plus I don't think she did anything wrong in the car park, it was continuing it inside that was the issue).

I think that as your child gets older, and you of course get older, you will find that there are many more battles to fight and you learn to let the nonsense go. It would be exhausting going through life constantly fighting about little things.
That said, sarcasm never ever helps, nor does raising your voice or losing your temper. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. This will be handy with stroppy teens, arrogant men and confused old people.
Learning when to shut up is a valuable lesson. You would be wise to think before you act, as I endlessly say to my teens!

You sound unhinged actually. I suggest you seek anger management actually, or therapy to address where this anger is stemming from. Are you happy in life OP?

Oh and the specsavers comment is just really cringe.