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AIBU?

To ask DH to not turn on the family T.V on the evenings that are 'my choice nights'

308 replies

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh · 07/02/2024 23:10

DH and I have had an agreement in place for many years where we have set nights for choosing what to watch on T.V. He's a bit of a remote hog and so we set this up based loosely around the shifts I used to work. 3 evenings of the week are mine, but if I'm out he can watch what he wants. The other days are his days. On my evenings I still have to drive our DC to their various clubs so he still gets some time to watch what he wants. (DC do not 'want in' on our rota as they prefer to watch their phones for their screen time.) Recently on my evenings I have chosen to keep the T.V turned off, still sat in the lounge ( open plan lounge/diner) , but doing other stuff and enjoying the quieter atmosphere. However DH just wanders in and turns the T.V on. When I query this his response is usually, "well you weren't watching it" or "you'll be going out soon" He has access to Netflix and Amazon Prime on his phone. AIBU if I ask him to turn the T.V off on my nights if I am choosing No T.V?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1382 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
76%
You are NOT being unreasonable
24%
PuddlesPityParty · 08/02/2024 04:45

If roles were reversed MN would be saying red flags for abuse and controlling. Which it is. Have a reflection on your behaviour here OP

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doilooklikeicare · 08/02/2024 04:46

Mislou · 08/02/2024 04:41

YANBU
I want to enjoy time in my home without the sound of the tv blaring out every single day. You’ve got a right to do that on your nights

Why when it's something MN don't like, is the language so extreme? Blaring? Why would it be blaring? Surely it's just on, with a normal sound level?

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GettingBetter2024 · 08/02/2024 04:46

Silver- so tv on all evening every night would be an okay default in your house?

And SD - TV on hours every night would be okay if one person wanted to and everyone else read etc while the TV was on?

That does seem odd to me hence wanting to understand what is "normal" in other families as it does seem "obvious" to other people!

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PuddlesPityParty · 08/02/2024 04:47

wellhello24 · 08/02/2024 03:19

All people seem to do these days is sit and watch TV! It’s all my colleagues ever talk about: TV programs! People are becoming right couch potatoes. OP does your DH not have any hobbies, exercise etc or helping you with taking the kids to activities ? He sounds sofa shaped. People are becoming so lazy these days- sit on their arse while wfh then sit on their arse gormlessly watching TV all evening

Oh please both of you tell us how you’re so much better than everyone else because you don’t watch TV but rather glue your eyes to a screen to scroll and post on MN instead.

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doilooklikeicare · 08/02/2024 04:47

PuddlesPityParty · 08/02/2024 04:45

If roles were reversed MN would be saying red flags for abuse and controlling. Which it is. Have a reflection on your behaviour here OP

100%

My DH wants to tidy up a cupboard, I'm not involved in it, but I can't watch TV whilst he's doing it...

Imagine the response!

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GettingBetter2024 · 08/02/2024 04:48

Doilooklike- so tv on all evening every night would be okay for you?

The tv isn't "just on" in our house. We turn it on when someone has something they want to watch. Which is more nights than I would like but currently a discussion in our house too!

I like it not on as I think the kids play better, we can read, do other things etc much better. I find when it's in people are absorbed into watching it.

Also if it is on usually people don't like others talking while they're watching so having it on is quite anti social

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LameBorzoi · 08/02/2024 04:52

@doilooklikeicare Honestly, I'd prefer the farts to the TV.

I don't go to loud restaurants because I find the noise too stressful and overwhelming. I can't have conversations if there are too many people talking nearby. I can't wear clothes with tags still in. I'm not autistic, but many autistic people have similar sensory needs.

Everyone's sensory responses are different. For people who find it difficult to filter out sound, having the TV on mindlessly isn't a neutral thing. It's a deeply unpleasant experience.

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doilooklikeicare · 08/02/2024 04:55

LameBorzoi · 08/02/2024 04:52

@doilooklikeicare Honestly, I'd prefer the farts to the TV.

I don't go to loud restaurants because I find the noise too stressful and overwhelming. I can't have conversations if there are too many people talking nearby. I can't wear clothes with tags still in. I'm not autistic, but many autistic people have similar sensory needs.

Everyone's sensory responses are different. For people who find it difficult to filter out sound, having the TV on mindlessly isn't a neutral thing. It's a deeply unpleasant experience.

Ok great, hopefully your partner finds farting as entertaining as watching a film.

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CountZacular · 08/02/2024 05:09

Not unreasonable OP. It’s a communal space which means some give and take. He already gets to have the TV on 4 out of 7 evenings plus the times you are doing drop offs. And he also has access to devices and another TV.

I would be really fed up if I was equally contributing to a house but was constantly denied any type of quiet downtime in the living room because TV supersedes any other wishes.

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Flottie · 08/02/2024 05:49

RunningFromInsanity · 07/02/2024 23:11

So if you don’t want to watch the tv and are doing something else, he’s not allowed to watch the tv?

This. Seems weird to me.

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Springpug · 08/02/2024 06:05

Instantly thought of Keith miller who used to be a character in EastEnders.
And his wife Rosie who ran round facilitating him.

Why isn't he driving op
I suppose it saves him having to drive the kids to the activities,,..and while your driving them ,he gets more TV time .so no incentive to learn to drive then .
Why do I suspect a cocklodger here ..be interesting to see h ok w he is in the family when he's not watching TV ...if that ever happens..him not watching TV

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hungryhiphop · 08/02/2024 06:06

YANBU for wanting quiet times without the TV on, OP.

I think this is a communication issue about the way you've worded it with your husband.

'I get to choose what to watch on TV for 3 nights, you get to choose on the other nights'

This kind of assumes that the TV is on as a default and you are OK with that.

I can see why your DH would feel short changed if you aren't watching TV but also don't want him to, if he doesn't understand your need for quiet.

Have you really explained it to him properly, that on some nights you just need a quiet atmosphere?

Could you compromise on one night a week where the living room is quiet with no TV on?

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 08/02/2024 06:10

Flottie · 08/02/2024 05:49

This. Seems weird to me.

Same. Is he and dc also banned from making noise on the 'quiet' days? So couldn't watch something in their phone in the living room?
Absolutely bonkers controlling.
Do you hide the remote? Take the batteries
?

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LeoTheLeopard · 08/02/2024 06:11

RunningFromInsanity · 07/02/2024 23:11

So if you don’t want to watch the tv and are doing something else, he’s not allowed to watch the tv?

Yes, of course that’s how it should be.

The same as if you are the designated driver, I’m not actually compelled to drink.

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Deepmore · 08/02/2024 06:14

There is no way on earth I would tolerate this if I was your DH.

If the the TV was off and I wanted to watch it, I'd turn it on.

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defiant2024 · 08/02/2024 06:15

Just go and do something else and leave him in peace to watch what he wants. You're being controlling and selfish.

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MissMelanieH · 08/02/2024 06:19

threads like this remind me why I LOVE living on my own!

Oh gosh me too!!

For me, I think if you want the TV off so you can spend some time doing something together then that's ok.

If, on the other hand, you want to just potter/do your own thing and expect him to sit in silence so he can facilitate that then that's a little odd and miserable for him.

Some thoughts:

He needs to help with more of the activity runs so you get some peace.
Encourage him to take up a hobby or have a night out with friends once a week so you have a weekly night of peace.
Get a TV for the bedroom or another room (if you have one)
Try to find something to watch together this arrangement make you sound like you are hostile flatmates rather than a married couple.

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helpnohelpno · 08/02/2024 06:21

My dh likes tv on an evening as he finds it relaxing. Whereas I sometimes read/have a bath/ do crossword. If we are watching together we pick something we are both happy with. If I'm doing something else he watches what he wants but I wouldn't insist on silence. If I want quiet I go upstairs.

I'd say it's fine to choose what you do but it's not ok to dictate what your dh does. If he wants to watch tv either block it out or go in a different room.

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lifeispainauchocolat · 08/02/2024 06:25

Imagine if someone posted that their husband had banned them from watching TV in their own living room - everyone would be telling them to LTB for being a controlling arsehole.

YABVU.

But then MN would hate us as we have the TV on all the time when someone is home for background noise.

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Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2024 06:30

@Aaaarrrrgggghhhh I get it. DH is a telly addict and just puts the telly in all hours of the day whether he’s watching or not, leaves the room- telly still on. It’s what he grew up with. I grew up with the opposite. I find it overstimulating to have the constant background noise blaring.
‘My choice’ would often be no telly sometimes. However if that’s how I feel I’ll go up to bed to read a book if I want to be alone(Early night is the new lie in) . Or suggest drinks at the breakfast bar with DH if I want company. (Staying in is the new going out)
Are there other parts of the house you can use when you don’t want telly?

Feels a bit mean to enforce no telly if your DH wants to watch it but perfectly reasonable to go elsewhere.

DH should share the drop offs.

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GettingBetter2024 · 08/02/2024 06:32

So people generally have the TV on all evening and have to go their bedrooms if they want to do anything else?

This seems so odd to me!

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 08/02/2024 06:37

I'm still trying to picture this, he's watching TV because you're out, you come back- "right tvs going off now as I'm home and it's MY CHOICE day!" And you then sit in silence?

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disappearingfish · 08/02/2024 06:40

YABU. If you're not watching TV then there's no reason why he can't.

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Yoyoban · 08/02/2024 06:41

I think it's fair to say you can ignore the people saying yabu, since none of them seem to have the basic comprehension skills required to understand that there is another TV available in the bedroom

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Banrion · 08/02/2024 06:44

I can't believe the amount of people saying yabu.
I totally get wanting to be downstairs with your family with the TV off.
On your night it should be your decision.

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