To ask DH to not turn on the family T.V on the evenings that are 'my choice nights'

[Aaaarrrrgggghhhh]

DH and I have had an agreement in place for many years where we have set nights for choosing what to watch on T.V. He's a bit of a remote hog and so we set this up based loosely around the shifts I used to work. 3 evenings of the week are mine, but if I'm out he can watch what he wants. The other days are his days. On my evenings I still have to drive our DC to their various clubs so he still gets some time to watch what he wants. (DC do not 'want in' on our rota as they prefer to watch their phones for their screen time.) Recently on my evenings I have chosen to keep the T.V turned off, still sat in the lounge ( open plan lounge/diner) , but doing other stuff and enjoying the quieter atmosphere. However DH just wanders in and turns the T.V on. When I query this his response is usually, "well you weren't watching it" or "you'll be going out soon" He has access to Netflix and Amazon Prime on his phone. AIBU if I ask him to turn the T.V off on my nights if I am choosing No T.V?

@LameBorzoi

Yes I'm "incapable" of reading.... One wonders how I'm managing currently on MN to read your dickish replies. 🤔 One also wonders how, being incapable of reading, I also managed to complete a PhD and have my Doctoral thesis research published.

Yes, that must be it. You've got me. I'm "incapable" of reading. 😆

@thisisuttermadness Way to completely miss the point.

@LameBorzoi

Erm, I did initially ask you to elaborate on your point (which wasn't entirely clear, by the way). In a far more polite way than you responded to me, I might add.

This is my feeling too. If they agreed to take it in turns selecting the evening activity then I think the OP is being fair enough. But the arrangement wasn't made to decide whether or not the TV was on, but to decide what to watch with the underlying assumption that its on, and the arrangement is that turns are taken to decide on who decides what programme to watch.

I get what a lot of people are saying here about being slaves to the tv, why not read, play a game, exercise, do a puzzle or whatever? Its a fair comment, but if the OP wants that debate, have that debate, and she should have that discussion about her evening preferences.

In this case, I think OP is being a bit childish, and basically saying I don't want to play so no one can play, its my ball and I'm taking it home. Controlling is a bit strong but maybe a bit low level controlling. Maybe compromise on TV volume, and/or look to use another room or something.

But yeah, your arrangement was to decide what is on, and to say my choice is a blank silent screen is not really in this spirit.

This is one of the main reasons that a house with two reception rooms was non-negotiable to me.

It seems demeaning having to send your partner to his/her bedroom because you have friends round, or want to do/watch different things in the living area.

The joy of open plan living!

@thisisuttermadness Fair enough - upthread, we had already been through the difference between "not allowed to use the TV and having to sit quietly in the lounge room" and "the TV totally dominating the lounge room and never bring able to use it for anything else", but that was your first post, so I shouldn't have bitten your head off. Apologies.

Thank you! I feel like I’m going insane reading this thread: the room has been rechristened the TV room, rather than a room with a TV in it, with TV on as a default and turning the TV off this transgressive, perverse behaviour.

And I like TV! I did my dissertation on TV! But I also like my sitting room, and sometimes wish to be in with the TV off.

I think there's a huge difference between "watching something" and TV as background. The first one I really don't mind but TV as background is something I hate - it's endless, harder to filter out and it's not like the other person actually notices it, they just don't like quiet! So while I don't have a schedule, I 100% think the OP deserves quiet time. People are acting like OP is stopping him watching his favourite programme, but it's about does he get to control the living space 100% of the time

I think it's entirely unreasonable to expect "quiet time" in a communal area. if you want that, go to the bedroom alone, or have a bath.

What if there are only two people in the house? Do you expect one person to spend their evenings in the bedroom, like a moody teenager? Mind you, I might have been willing to do that, but my OH understandably didn't want to be left on his own! 😀

But why is the tv being on the default? Its IS indeed a communism space so why does the tv watcher get to dictate that the tv is always on. Sounds controlling yes?

The OP and partner have a plan to enable both of them to have a say. Each gets to choose what happens on 'their' night.

Why is the OPs choice of no tv not acceptable? TV on is not the default setting in life any more than 'music on' would be

I agree that having the TV doesn't need to be the default, but I've inferred (reasonably in my opinion) from the OP that the default always has been that the TV is on, and that has been the case forever and a day. The arrangement came about because DH is a bit of a remote hogger, and they agreed that OP should get her fair crack of the whip.

The arrangement, based on the OP was never about what to do with the living room in the evening. If OP wants that discussion, by all means have it. Her desire for peace and quiet to read or whatever isn't unreasonable. But TV off is not a fair choice as part of their programme selection agreement.

What if there are only two people in the house? Do you expect one person to spend their evenings in the bedroom, like a moody teenager?

Well, DH and I often sit in separate rooms - and yes, one of them is our bedroom as we don't have another empty room to use.

But we both use the rooms to watch TV - we just like totally different things. I'm sure MN will be horrified

I wonder if all those saying he shouldn’t be allowed to watch TV on certain days, would also be ok with him playing video games on the TV on his days.

I bet if OP had come on here and said on her days she watches the TV and on his days he games so she can’t watch the TV, the opinions would be a lot different.

You sound really controlling

I think yabu. You are not watching and using the tv so it is unreasonable to say that noone else can use it.

Fair enough if you were trying to do a family activity that included your oh like playing a board game, but you're doing your own thing. Let him do his! Watching things on your phone isn't the same either, I'm guilty of half watching something and also messing on my phone on mumsnet or playing a game. Cant do that if I'm watching prime on it.

I also think its a bit strange that you ask for a night to choose what to watch but then dont watch anything. Seems a bit childish and spiteful. I agree that everyone should have equal say in what to watch/turn taking, but it feels like you are just stopping him from watching tv for the sake of it if you dont actually want to use it.

I don't understand why wanting the TV off occasionally is controlling but insisting on it being on all the time isn't.

Surely in a relationship you reach compromises about things like this.

Also, sound cancelling headphones might not be the fix - they make me feel weird and nauseous.

I don't understand why wanting the TV off occasionally is controlling but insisting on it being on all the time isn't.

For me, it's because the DH having the television on isn't preventing OP from doing what she wants (in her case, clearing out a dresser) whereas her demanding silence means that nobody else can sit in the living room and watch their shows or have something on in the background.

Ha ha, I knew that would wind someone up! Does "we have agreed" sports can be watched three days a week, and other days for big events, sit ok with you? We came to this agreement about five years ago, so he's had 35 years of irritating the shit out of me...

Well to start with I’m not wound up @HirplesWithHaggis, rather aghast and horrified at what you posted. And secondly, you can tone it down now as much as you like but permitted and allowed Are what you said and tbh It’s appalling.

Too regimented for me.

But having the telly on may well be stoping the op from doing what she wants - I can't read with the telly on ( even if it's quiet) , I can't relax in the same way as when it's peaceful - the images flickering and changing and the noise are both distracting

Until OP comes back and explains what she actually wants to do in the living room, I think we could be here for quite a while going back and forth, tbh.

The only activity she's really mentioned so far is tidying out a dresser - arguably much more distracting than a TV playing IMO.

No. If they've split the week up and each gets to choose then it's fine if he wants to game

Im loving the language here

blaring television
flickering television
inane babble