To ask DH to not turn on the family T.V on the evenings that are 'my choice nights'

[Aaaarrrrgggghhhh]

DH and I have had an agreement in place for many years where we have set nights for choosing what to watch on T.V. He's a bit of a remote hog and so we set this up based loosely around the shifts I used to work. 3 evenings of the week are mine, but if I'm out he can watch what he wants. The other days are his days. On my evenings I still have to drive our DC to their various clubs so he still gets some time to watch what he wants. (DC do not 'want in' on our rota as they prefer to watch their phones for their screen time.) Recently on my evenings I have chosen to keep the T.V turned off, still sat in the lounge ( open plan lounge/diner) , but doing other stuff and enjoying the quieter atmosphere. However DH just wanders in and turns the T.V on. When I query this his response is usually, "well you weren't watching it" or "you'll be going out soon" He has access to Netflix and Amazon Prime on his phone. AIBU if I ask him to turn the T.V off on my nights if I am choosing No T.V?

It's not about sitting in silence. It's about actually getting the opportunity to do other things than watch the television.

The only other thing OP has mentioned doing is cleaning out a dresser.

I'd be more on her side if she wanted to listen to music, or play a board game, or do something as a family. But demanding the TV is off just so you can declutter doesn't seem fair to me.

As an aside, my DH also likes to declutter of an evening and I find it far more intrusive than the background noise of the TV.

@soupfiend Shots on TV change a few times a minute. This causes big variations in light level,which causes your attention to snap to it. For some people, it's hard to filter that out.

@HirplesWithHaggis ”permitted”? “Allowed”? Who made you boss of the world? You’d be getting a “fuck that!” Off me if I were your partner. Beyond controlling!

I totally understand where you're coming from. I like to read a lot, OH doesn't read at all and was used to having the TV on all the time as background noise. In fact the TV is background noise to such an extent to him, he'll talk all over it when we ARE watching something. But I can't concentrate to read with the TV on. We've had to negotiate a way around it.

That’s really controlling and weird . Your lack of ability to compromise and how you live is not pleasant.

@lifeispainauchocolat Not everyone defaults to TV as an activity.

This is why I love living on my own. I barely watch tv and have music on all the time. I would hate having to chill in my lounge and read my book with the TV on. I think you either fall into the 'watches a lot of tv' or 'tv barely gets used' camp and sadly you and your DP are in different camps.

Say he decided to come home and smoke really stinky vapes all evening? It would totally take over the place the same way TV does.

What about playing baby shark on repeat?

This sounds so miserable. I can't even imagine not being allowed to turn the TV on in my own house. Fair enough generally taking in turns to choose what's on but absolutely he should be allowed to watch TV if you're not even watching it!!!

Must be something wrong with your tv if the screen flickers as pp has said?
Point is he's not stopping her doing what she wants, she wants to stop him doing rather normal things.

I know that.

But I just don't think you can dictate to another adult about when they're allowed to watch their own TV in their own house.

I think if this thread was about a woman who was banned from watching the TV three nights a week, the responses would be very different.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose I've already explained about the shot changes.

And he is stopping her from doing other things. Many people can't read etc with the TV on.

This is odd. The whole point of the sitting room is that is is a COMMUNAL space - you can't hog it for one person! The tv in ours (yes, shock horror we watch tv) is generally on at night but it'll be something we both want to watch together. I'll save call the midwife for when DP isn't here, and he'll avoid tractors! We have a tv in the bedroom if we are desperate but generally we'd rather be together.

And yes - we do watch it as default at night. Which I won't be made to feel shitty about as DP works his absolute arse off and I am incredibly busy and outside all day! I read avidly but won't at night as I will stay up reading rather than sleep.

@lifeispainauchocolat There is a world of difference from "banning" and not having it on 24/7 in a shared space

Also wonder what it would be if it was the split of taking turns to do dinner and on one person's nights they 'weren't hungry' so just always made toast, but happily ate what the other cooked on their nights?

So you can't say we have a day with no tv in the main room ?

Is it the law of the land that the tv must be on if anyone wants it ?

It just seems that people are happy to insist that the tv goes on whereas it's seen as controlling to turn it off -

Insist on tv on = not controlling
Insist on tv off = controlling

Does not compute

If the TV has to be on whether she wants it or not, that's not a compromise.

She's saying she doesn't want TV inflicted on her, not that she wants more choice of what's on TV.

YANBU to me, OP.

I don't agree that the lounge is the TV room and so the highest valid activity in there is watching the TV.

If you have the split about nights then yes, you should be able to choose no TV as an option.

@OrlandointheWilderness Sitting down to a bit of TV together in the evening is different to having it on all evening every evening

I wonder if it would be seen that way if it was a man insisting they all sat in silence while he tidied out a cupboard.

For me, that's just as intrusive as a TV being on, if not more so.

If someone didn't want the TV on so they could listen to music or read a book or play a game, that's a bit different imo.

This place gets weirder every day, stinky vapes and stinky farts are now comparable to having the TV on of an evening.

Interesting isn't it, the posters who like to watch tv haven't expressed any surprise at the posters who say they prefer silence, or to read or whatever. There's no 'I find that so odd!' or 'do you genuinely read a book for hours every evening?'

Seems odd to have such a rigid setup.

Not everyone chooses to watch TV all the time. Instead of phrasing it as who chooses the TV could just say who chooses what happens in the living room. However, I find it hard that you can’t agree between you and have to resort to turns.
We once went away with a couple who listened to music all the time and they asked everyone what their choice of music was. When it got round to my choice I said ‘no music’.

I do get you actually OP. TV going on just changes things and sometimes it just doesn’t feel right with it on.

My DP is quite a TV watcher in a way that I’m not, he likes it on in a MORNING of all things. He usually goes down earlier than me and watches done there, which is fine. But sometimes he puts it on in bed in the morning and I just find it quite jarring. I never even used to have a TV in the bedroom 🤣

@lifeispainauchocolat What's intrusive - a bit if peace and quiet? OP says "doing other stuff", one example of which is that dresser. Presumably this includes other activities. Or does she need to submit a schedule in order to have occasional quiet enjoyment of her own lounge?