is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

Sounds maddening!

@hotshot9 i am so exhausted. I feel embarrassed telling friends about it as it seems so silly but I just feel I am constantly trying to have my own life and boundaries and they are permanently ignored.

What would happen if you chose not to respond to them after telling them that you have plans?

If they keep doing it even though you've told them repeatedly to stop I think you need to change tactics. Just have a standard response if you're not free and stick to it. Hard to do though I know.

If you've already told them your busy then just don't answer if they comment again!

I'd get fed up with that!

I just have a horrible guilt complex. I will genuinely lay awake worrying about it and how to phrase it etc.

the only time they back off is if I say we are unwell, then they totally accept it.

@phoenixrosehere they would call and text and say they were getting worried I hadn’t responded.

that’s my fault though as I always reply so I’ve built a rod for my own back there

You have to have iron-clad boundaries and stick to them every time. If you've told them Saturday is out, then don't be contactable on Saturday. If they kick off that they've had a wasted trip, or "oh, we were so looking forward to blah blah", just calmly point out that you clearly told them - no, not Saturday. You're allowed to have a life outside them!

Write a standard reply and cut and paste it.

I'm not available then, we can fix another time.

They'll get the message after enough repetitions although it sounds like they are good at guilting you.

Don’t give them a reason. Just say something along the lines of “Sadly I can’t see you Saturday, happy to see you another time!”

When they repeat themselves why not say "what did I tell you on .........??" Or "I'm worried about you, you're very forgetful lately! You know that I'm already busy that day"

Or just No.

Then say nothing more. Make them push and just repeat No.

Do you have DC? Are you going out alone on Saturday? Just let them turn up (and stick a note on the door... I did tell you I already plans) and turn your phone off.

thats annoying but don’t let it get to you- they def aren’t lying awake thinking about it!

after you respond the first time with your other plans I’d just say “sorry still busy see you soon x” or something like that
and then forget about it & organise something when it suits you.

I wouldn’t be getting into justifying your previously made plans either.

Have they always been like this? Is there a reason behind it?

Just start leaving slightly longer between replies so you’re not at their beck and call.

I can completely understand why this makes you feel awful - to repeat the same phrase back at you like you haven’t said anything in response is so disrespectful. I’m sorry but you need to tell them straightforwardly how disrespected you feel when they ignore your response and bulldoze their preference through.

Screenshot the message saying that you are busy and just keep sending it to them every time.

I voted YABU simply because you should say ‘no, I can’t see you on Saturday,’ straight off the bat. Then every time they do it be the broken record.

'See you Saturday!'

'Sorry but I've made plans already'

They repeat, and then you repeat

So if you text them saying you will not be there as you are busy - then don’t go, what would they do?

they can’t force you to physically meet up with them

Just reply and say, "no you won't see me Saturday as I have plans. I did tell you." Then suggest an alternative date, and end it with "see you Tuesday!" Or whatever date you suggested

Don't work yourself up bothering to repeating yourself. That's a stupid game and it is way too much effort. It is up to them to listen to you, not your job to remind them. Decline once then ignore any mention there after and do not show up on Saturday. Do not answer your phone on Saturday. Tell them later when it's convenient that you were busy - if they ask. Don't engage in 'i told you I was busy I said I was with friend' because it feeds into it. Don't justify yourself, don't make excuses and don't apologise at all. Literally tell them your plans once as courtesy then live your life.

@Halfwaytheree they accept it in the end, but there’s always this dialogue back and forth about it. There’s literally never a time when I say I’m busy and that’s that.

It sounds terrible but when they go on holiday (every few months) it feels like a holiday for me as I know I won’t have to have the same conversation for a couple of weeks

Reply to the comment once and no more. Then don't show up. Do it every time. They'll soon learn