is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

Di they ever have your toddler for the weekend? Maybe take dc over Fri to Sunday and have a total rest?

Do*

I love how it's this simple for the daughters of emotionally mature parents with healthy dynamics.

Reading this thread, I sent the suggested texts. The "just say you can't come".

Then I got the cold shoulder. It turns out, inclusion in my family was conditional.
But my parents to this day believe that I am hurtful, selfish, disrespectful et cetera.

It goes so deep. I mean, it's more than just a potential misunderstanding that you can avoid by being really clear in your communication. The core issue is that they are acutely aware of their own perspective, their own interpretation of events, their own hurt feelings. They would no doubt deny that if you asked them directly "do you respect my schedule and my right to commit to a friend in the same way that you commit to ........"

They'd reply "of course but..... " and some version of but you should WANT to drop everything for us

Good luck to anybody facing this issue who can resolve it with clear communication.

I tried that about 4 years ago similar issues. They owned the right to jointly have so many opinions about me. It drove me mad, but if I ever expressed any dissatisfaction with that I was instantly labelled "angry" , ""difficult" on and on and on

Our normal pattern was that my mother would give me the cold shoulder, dad would at some point tell me off for "hurting mum" and I'd be so upset to be in the doghouse that id say "look I didn't mean to upset you" and then the cold shoulder would warm up, but the narrative was clear, they forgave me

4 years ago I tore a strip off my dad when he did his usual foot soldier tactic of telling me I'd "hurt mum"

The cold shoulder hasn't warmed in 4 years.

There is one narrative, THEIRS.

They are victims of a selfish, cold hearted, entitled, ungrateful, angry, aggressive, difficult, emotional daughter.

It started off with them giving me the cold shoulder and me jonesing for an ember. But now I see, it was all a charade. I played the part of daughter. I dont get to say to the director "really, you think this Character is cold hearted because she wants a lie in with being demonised?"

That's so rude of them OP. Do they not have friends? Don't they understand how these things work??

YANBU - it is very disrespectful and manipulative.

You're not allowed to have boundaries but they are.

Different MO (main tangible one was just turning up at the house during the working day but it was so much more) but DH had (has to a lesser extent now) this with his parents.

It was baffling - almost like a game to them. I've got lots of anecdotes... They know exactly what they are doing and will keep doing it until you drop the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). It took DH years and now he has no respect or warm feelings for them at all.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg.

The reason why they do this? They don’t see you as an adult, they don’t accept that your preferences are legitimate.

You are not over-reacting, this is unpleasant and manipulative behaviour.

They don't care what you want to do. They seem to only care when they are available to see . You can tell they don't like the person who you are going to see on Saturday because of the way they speak. So it's 2 points for you to think about. Disrespectful to you and dislike for the other person also self involved to the point of don't care about anyone else. I have no time for people that I have to explain myself to over and over again. It's to much like hard work. I should just be able to say busy sat and then move on.

They're trying to make you fit in with their plans, which is wrong. Stick to your plans. Ignore them when they say, see you on Saturday.

A text in bold saying No and leave it at that.

All the advice for this feels like hard graft and I think you probably have enough hard graft without all the two in and fro ing. Be the one that says I'm busy and when someone says it again just say I'm sorry didn't you hear me the first time I said I was busy and then say I hate repeating myself. It will sink in faster than back and forth arguing. with friends like that... . Good luck with this one. 🍀🍀🍀🙏💪

"See you both Saturday"

I would reply
"We are not available Sat. Do you want to meet on Sun?" Or next week or whenever

Then it is up to them if to not be available or not.

If they repeat it later "i have already said i can't do Sat"

You need to be firmer. Tell them to f*ck off. Or, after the first text telling them you're busy, reply to every subsequent text with "you're being disrespectful." "Stop treating me like a lapdog". If they get upset or worried... let them!

Oh dear they’ve got you good and proper haven’t they? It’s probably been a lifetime of this hence your lying awake with guilt over their nonsense. You’re going to have to toughen up and find the inner strength to not play their games. As people have said, give your reply then leave it. You are an adult in your own right, your parents are no longer your keepers.

You only say it once then assume they know you won't be available Saturday. let them come over to an empty house and next time they'll know better. They sound narcissistic.

I’d say if you don’t respect what I’m saying I’m blocking you. But I’m ruthless

Reply once then screenshot your reply and reply with the screenshot each time
Or start saying I'm really worried about you. I've told you x number of times I'm busy that day but you keep acting like I haven't said anything. I think you should go to the doctor and at least ask for them to do some memory checks.

I think you’re giving them too much information tbh, it suggests that there’s room to negotiate or rearrange, that there’s a discussion to be had.

So if they text “See you Saturday!” just reply “no, I’m busy on Saturday” and don’t engage further.

I’m guessing it’s just one of your parents that is sending these messages ? Can you send your reply that you are busy to both of them individually ? I’m busy that day to both Mum and Dad.
If they then carry on to push it, I’ve told you both I’m busy that day , are you both ok ? Do we need to make a GP appointment ? You’re getting really forgetful !
put your phone on silent and carry on with your plans.
sounds so frustrating for you x

As other people have said, you've got to stop dancing to their tune.

OP, have you heard of broken record technique?

Parents: See you Saturday!
You: I'm not available on Saturday.
Parents: We want to see you!
You: We'd be happy to see you from 2-4.30pm Sunday.
Parents: We want to see you on Saturday!
You: We'd be happy to see you from 2-4.30pm Sunday.

And just keep repeating until they get the message that they need to make arrangements in advance because you have a life. Don't get upset, don't go down the no-one-respects-me-poor-me route, just train them like dogs or toddlers. Apply some perspective: in the great scale of things this isn't something to bother getting upset about.

Please don't feel guilty. There's nothing to feel guilty about.

*Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you*

This is why they do it. They are only interested in what they want, which is to see you and your child whenever they want. They are not interested in your life and the other things you're doing. They are more important. So they don't accept that you're not at their beck and call. They're trying to control you.

You just have to be firm and remind yourself they're being selfish.
"I already told you, I'm going out that day. I can see you another day but not Saturday."
"I've already told you three times, I'm not free that day."
They're trying to get you to do what they want every time. Ignore the sad faces and whiny messages. They are being very selfish.

This is a you problem. Staying awake all night feeling guilty isn't normal. In fact, feeling guilty at all for telling your parents you have plans isn't normal either.

Unless you set boundaries, they will continue to be like this.

"I'm busy, would you like to get together on Tuesday instead?"
"no, I'm busy, I told you before."
"I've told you several times already that I can't see you Saturday. Should I be worried? Should you see the GP? Or are you just not listening to me?"

Then no more responding, and go out as planned. No guilt necessary.

I haven't read all the responses but a thought for you. You say you've tried shouting, crying, all quite emotional reactions. How about trying to be laid back and humourous instead?

For example, they say "see you saturday!" for the upteenth time. What about just texting. "nice try." or simply "No!" plus a laughing emoji. Basically you are not letting them upset you, you're being nice but you're also standing your ground. Sometimes with irritating things it can really help to take the emotion out and a bit of light-heartedness can help with that. So a response like "I wondered how long that would take" or "Bingo! Still no" or whatever might be a tack to try. In a way, their texts sound like they know they are trying it on, so a more laid back response might be accepted by them.

Sometimes it's not about what the answer is but about how it's said. They aren't being reasonable in not listening to your responses. But by shouting and crying you are showing that the messages are having an effect on you and are making you feel bad for whatever reason. By just being more casual you are showing that you don't feel guilty and the messages aren't going to get you to change your plans.

I have this kind of thing from MIL. They just expect to see me every Saturday and turn up.

I have found texting them and saying I am not around Saturday, I am doing X (but you don't need to explain) If you want to see DH you will need to arrange something with them, usually works

However I am in the same situation OP they do expect to see us every weekend. It's difficult.

Check out Out of the Fog website, online, some good stuff there in the Toolbox area for how to deal with it

It leaves me feeling trapped.

I'm thinking this weekend of just going out and not being in, I mean that could be an option too. Just say No / tell them not available and then be out.