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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

228 replies

greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:33

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

OP posts:
ButterBastardBeans · 08/02/2024 05:19

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/02/2024 01:19

"I refer you to my previous answer"

then copy and paste to every new demand.

I was going to say this. It's better than keeping on keeping on saying and explaining. It makes them think back and realise they are beings dicks - hopefully.

You have to allow them to turn up to a locked door over and over and also, what is the worst that will happen if you start pushing back? why are you so afraid of them?

TiredCatLady · 08/02/2024 05:25

I feel your pain. I had something similar with mine…

Parents: We’re coming down to visit you next week!

Me: You can’t - I won’t be here. I’m away with work.

Parents: Oh can’t you rearrange it?

Me: no. It’s for work. For a training course.

Parents: It won’t be all week though, we can’t still come down

Me: it is all week. It’s not negotiable.

Parents: don’t be silly, we’ll still come down.

Me: THERE WILL BE NO-ONE HERE!

And then they get the hump and I get called difficult. They never gave a fuck when they had plans. And many other examples of having no boundaries.
Just crack on with your own life and see your friend. Your feelings are valid.

DeniseSecunda · 08/02/2024 05:39

A number of these suggestions are just examples of playing games, and that's not the best way to go about this. This isn't a game, and they need to learn their place in your life. In addition, playing games like those suggested is childish, and they're treating you like this because they don't respect that you're an adult -- so playing childish games could certainly reinforce their belief that you're still a child.

I have no problem being extremely assertive with my parents, and when they do something repeatedly that pisses me off, I cut them off for however long I damn well see fit. If my parent did this to me, they wouldn't be seeing me for quite a while, and I'd let them know that's the reason why. The cut off would get longer each time they did it too.

Newchapterbeckons · 08/02/2024 05:43

Your parents have trained you well.
You jump through hoops of maddening messages.
You have no doubt cancelled things in the past for them.
You are trained to feel guilt for not accommodating them constantly.

You are having far, far too much contact with them, and allowing them too much power. It’s your life, not theirs.

They only want to see you when they are bored. You are effectively being used for entertainment purposes. They sound entitled, selfish and self absorbed and don’t sound remotely emotionally invested in YOUR well being at all.

The only way forward is to reduce contact. Think about messaging them at the beginning of the week.

’Very busy this week, so I might be out of contact. Have a good week’

And don’t reply for a few days.
Extend it each week until you have reduced contact to 2:3 timers or less if you want to.

If they are pushy about meeting up after you have said no then reply only once:

’ I am busy on Saturday, so you can come if you want to, but no one will be here’

Every time.

Be assertive. Stop being a pushover. Become comfortable with ignoring pushy messages altogether. You don’t owe them anything! Enjoy your own life, and your own friends. Minimise contact.

Newchapterbeckons · 08/02/2024 05:51

Oh and you said why are they like this?
You were a play thing as a baby to add interest to their lives, and you are still one now. Sone couples have children for the wrong reasons, for their own benefit - it doesn’t occur to them to meet the needs of the child, the child’s existence is there to serve them only.

One or both are likely to be narcissistic.

This issue of entitlement can be especially pronounced if they feel they have ‘given everything’ to you, and they are ‘owed’ a retirement of entertainment amd company - and later personal cere as they get older.

defiant2024 · 08/02/2024 05:53

Ignore them when they do this. Do not respond beyond an initial correction.

hungryhiphop · 08/02/2024 05:58

OP, you just have to stop engaging in this dialogue. You have told them about it multiple times over a period of years. They know.

Once you have told them you are busy, they know you are busy. You don't engage further. Texting you to say they are worried is a power trip. They're not worried - you've told them you're busy so they know you're busy! They only expect you to respond because you've set that precedent - you need to break it.

If you've told them you're busy this weekend and they ask you again, keep it short and sweet - 'sorry, as I told you I'm busy this weekend, let's do something next weekend instead' - and then don't respond again.

You really need to step up and stand up for yourself on this. Saying they're worried is actually emotional manipulation - don't stand for it.

If you're struggling with that then perhaps some counselling would help you explore and find ways to do this. It's important to have boundaries.

motherofkevinnotperry · 08/02/2024 06:03

Would drive me mad and had similar with the in laws. We suddenly became very busy every other week and would make a note on their calendar of the next time we'd see them. The requests kept coming for a while but id remind them we were busy but seeing them the following week. Gradually it dropped off as they began to find things to fill in their time. Took about 6 months.

I don't do anything week by week and have no "traditions" or expectations as a result. Can't stand the expectation, it's too stressful for me.

Mischance · 08/02/2024 06:12

A bizarre thing to do. I see lots of my AC but only when it suits them. If they said friends were coming round, or whatever, I would just say fine.

Just say - "sorry can't make it that day, would X day suit instead?"

Pipsickle3 · 08/02/2024 06:18

I would turn it round on them - have you forgotten we aren’t in on Saturday but on Sunday I have told the children we doing x with you they are excited! Or start to use humour and turn their persuasion into a joke - here we go again i think you know I said no etc
Obviously it depends on the relationship you have with them. Or don’t respond to texts call them and converse and come up with an alternative but don’t back down.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 08/02/2024 06:22

I’ve not read the whole thread but would suggest you be a bit more proactive in your dealings with them… and start setting boundaries.

Set a date to get together with them.

Either regularly or ad hoc.

Stick to it, and entertain no communication with them on the subject.

You may need to make the first one a little way in advance, and go from there.

Seabreeze18 · 08/02/2024 06:24

The trouble is OP by being ignored with your wishes, they have slowly chipped away at your confidence making you feel like a naughty toddler!

it’s going to be hard for you but it’s time to take your power back.
say”I can’t” the first time with an explanation, say just “no I can’t” the second time, don’t respond at all after that. Teach them to listen to you. You have to train them like kids.
most importantly do not give in or feel guilty for having a life!!
you can do this, we are all behind you!

MissMelanieH · 08/02/2024 06:30

That sounds maddening, I'm so sorry.
All you can do is the broken record technique:

No sorry I'm meeting Rosie on Saturday and repeat exactly the same sentence in response to every communication.

Don't attempt to negotiate or give in or they'll keep doing it!

Hercisback · 08/02/2024 06:35

Broken record every time. Same standard reply.

Have they ever turned up? If so, make sure you are out. Do not feel guilty, they are the crazy ones!!

speakout · 08/02/2024 06:57

Boundaries need to be implemented by us, not others.
State once, don't repeat.

TroysMammy · 08/02/2024 06:59

CombatBarbie · 07/02/2024 21:41

Do you have DC? Are you going out alone on Saturday? Just let them turn up (and stick a note on the door... I did tell you I already plans) and turn your phone off.

Second line of OP - "I have a toddler". Fifth line "I'm seeing (friend's name)"

HAF1119 · 08/02/2024 07:02

Could you try 'I won't reply anymore when you say you're seeing me on X day which isn't planned, we like seeing you but forcing a day on us is not normal'

Then just stick to that, don't reply unless it's phrased as a question. And if they learn to phrase as a question and you say no, then don't reply to any pushing that date?

You can still text them outside of it, e.g. pic of child with 'having fun doing X' so they know you're alive and well, just ignore that topic

fishonabicycle · 08/02/2024 07:03

Or you know, you could just try telling them how annoying/upsetting it is that they keep ignoring you? Ask why they do that.

Alwaysanotherwine · 08/02/2024 07:03

op this is ur doing i feel

next time just say i’m busy and don’t discuss again

it sounds like you’re continually engaging in discussion about it

just say no end of!

have you previously given in as it sounds like it?

if it was me i’d be like ‘it’s sunday or it’ll have to be next week or xxxxx date’

theyre onjy getting away with is because you engage in discussion - why not just ignore texts of that nature and if bombarded one reply of ‘i’ve said i’m not free and won’t be texting back and forth on this anymore’

same on the phone - end the call of it carries on

its only happening because you’ve allowed it to happen

3luckystars · 08/02/2024 07:08

From experience, I’d recommend 2 things:

  1. make a definite date for visiting them, say 3rd Saturday of the month. Then that’s is, if they start this ‘dance’ just keep saying ‘no, I’m visiting you on x date, remember we agreed?’
    And STICK to it. This will eventually calm them knowing there is a set date.

  2. Make them repeat back to you what you have said, it’s the only way to get through to some people.

You don’t have to feel guilty. You are their child, not their spouse or carer. How often do they change their plans for you?

Stop the guilt. Make a date set in stone and enjoy every other minute that you are not with them.

All the best.

LostFrog · 08/02/2024 07:09

Do you ever invite them round or ring them or does it always come from them?

My parents literally never instigate any meet ups between me or my siblings, it always comes from us. It might be why we are still really close.

Copperoliverbear · 08/02/2024 07:10

Text back and say see you Sunday x

Calamitousness · 08/02/2024 07:15

You can’t change their behaviour. But you can change yours. You have asked them to stop. They haven’t. So. You need to change both what you say to them and how you feel about it. Firstly. Just say No. No explanation. No.
Secondly. Stop thinking about it and don’t say anything else. If they keep saying ‘see you xxx’. Just ignore and don’t respond. You’ve told them. It won’t take long for them to work out you mean what you say the first time. It can be pleasant. Not harsh. Just No.

3luckystars · 08/02/2024 07:16

DeniseSecunda · 08/02/2024 05:39

A number of these suggestions are just examples of playing games, and that's not the best way to go about this. This isn't a game, and they need to learn their place in your life. In addition, playing games like those suggested is childish, and they're treating you like this because they don't respect that you're an adult -- so playing childish games could certainly reinforce their belief that you're still a child.

I have no problem being extremely assertive with my parents, and when they do something repeatedly that pisses me off, I cut them off for however long I damn well see fit. If my parent did this to me, they wouldn't be seeing me for quite a while, and I'd let them know that's the reason why. The cut off would get longer each time they did it too.

I totally agree with this and having experience like this for many years, do not play any games.

Get it into your head that they will not cut you off if you are assertive, put in a strong boundary and stick with it. They will always be trying to get their way, and be warned if you don’t put in a strong boundary now, they will trample all over you when they get more elderly and
more demanding (and the guilt trips get worse!!!)

If you have an Employee Assistance Programme at work or can get some support in putting in a very strong boundary now, this will help. Do not play games, your plate is too full for that. Good luck.

Princesspollyyy · 08/02/2024 07:17

You just need to go out with your friend as planned on Saturday, then when they call or text, just remind them that you did say you had plans with your friend Saturday, which couldn't be rearranged.

The more you do it, the more they will get it!