is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

Did you actually read the OP? Maybe the parents do what you do and not really read the messages fully

I voted YABU because I don’t really understand why you let this affect you to the point you are losing sleep over it.

They are being dicks. Ignore it.

My mum is very similar but she’s controlling and perhaps a bit of a narcissist too.

I have had to learn to just put my foot down (which is very difficult to do when you’ve been conditioned since birth) and say no.

Use these examples to put your boundaries in place.
Remind them that you won’t be seeing them Saturday and that you won’t be cancelling plans.

She’s trying to make you feel guilty and get you to rearrange your plans, if you did this you would be playing right into her hands.

Nothing bad is going to happen if you don’t see them Saturday, so use this as a way to put your foot down and not feel guilty about it.

I'd just ignore them if you have already responded once.

If they then ask why you didnreply to their umpteenth message of 'see you Saturday ' I'd wait a few hours and just reply saying you thought you'd already made it clear.

I think unfortunately you may have set a precedent (inadvertently I'm sure) that has got into their heads of 'We always see OP on Saturdays'.

You need to break the assumption and that might require you to see them more frequently for a period of time. Pop round on a Tuesday, invite them round on a Friday for dinner. Do whatever you need to do to break the idea that Saturday is 'their' day.

Whatever you do though, make sure you don't fall into a pattern again, otherwise that will become the bone of contention instead.

Read self help books. Google ‘setting boundaries with parents’. Literally learn to be a new strong person.
Don’t feel guilty. They don’t feel an iota of guilt for manipulating you.

I wonder could there be anything else behind this OP? Are you allowing them to feel they have a right to behave like this - are you or your child supported by them in any financial way or maybe with childcare ?
It still doesn't make it right but could that be why they feel they can do this ?

You need to be firmer with your boundaries. 'I have already told you I'm busy. I will not be replying to any further messages on this. If you continue to try to pressure me I will have to block your number. This continued pressure is damaging our relationship and you need to accept the first time when I tell you I'm not available.'

"I just have a horrible guilt complex"

There's your problem.

Don't get into a debate. Just say 'sorry, I'm not free Sat. Is there another day that suits?' You don't even need to say what you're doing.

They'll keep asking at first but they'll get used to it eventually. It takes time to change the habit of a lifeline.

Just respond with when you are seeing them and stick to it. Ignore their "see you Saturday" messages and just respond with "looking forward to seeing you at 1 on Sunday,!". If they say it's inconvenient still keep responding with that. They might get the message. That it's rude and obnoxious

What they're doing is annoying and rude. Essentially it feel like they're saying that their free time is inherently more valuable as yours, despite them having more of it.

But you won't be going on Saturday regardless of what they say will you?

You've told them so just ignore the messages now. Don't even respond.

Have a nice time with your friend on Saturday!

I don’t get it.

Why would you not just say “are you losing your marbles m & d? I’ve already told you umpteen times I busy Saturday”?!!!

Why are you so overly polite to them when they have no regard for you and your life?

is this one of these situations where you have to kowtow to the parents so you don’t get cut from the will? 🤔

The only thing you need to change is feeling guilty. You are doing nothing wrong, just acting like a normal person.

"is this one of these situations where you have to kowtow to the parents so you don’t get cut from the will? 🤔"

I had the same thought, some kind of financial nuance might be behind this..

Have you tried saying I’m busy on Saturday but lets me up on the following Sunday 2pm?

You need to divulge less about what your plans are to be honest here.
Using your own example I think it should go like this (and it will feel completely foreign to you if you aren't used to standing up for yourself at the start of these conversations)
Them: See you both on Saturday.
You: No you won't, I'm busy.
Them: Oh, we can still see you on Saturday, we want to see you.
You: You always told me that want doesn't always equal get - I'm busy Saturday, I'll see you on Sunday.
.
.
.
two days later
Them: See you on Saturday.
You: Now this is getting either very silly or you are being very rude. I've told you I'm busy on Saturday. I will see you on Sunday.

The next time it happens
Them : See you at the weekend.
You : I am busy this weekend, all weekend, I'll see you next weekend. (put a bit of time and distance between the visits. They will focus on the visits more if they actually happen less frequently).

The next time it happens: you drive the conversation on when you'd like to meet up, not them.

just say, I can see you in Sunday instead of Saturday. Let me know time and where. And then get on with your life and hopefully they’ll go to your house in Saturday anyway, you won’t be there, and then they’ll get the hint. They won’t die from a broken heart and it will do you all the world of good to set boundaries.

Are you ever proactive and suggest dates you would like to see them, or do you just wait for them to tell you when they are going to see you? And are you an only child, or do they do this to siblings, too? And why could your parents not so the Sunday, instead? Surely if you put them in a situation where it is inconvenient for them to alter their other commitments for a change, they will see your point of view more?

Tbh, if you never ask to see them, they may have just begun to assume you don’t have other commitments, you’re just trying to fob them off again.

I have parents like this and this is how my sibling deals with them. My sibling has no compunction in withdrawing from them. You might be my sibling 😆

Ok so they’re not forgetful and they understand the words you’re saying, they just want their own way so they try to wear you down, this is what you do:

1. ignore the first message
2. when they text again saying they’re “worried” you didn’t reply you say “oh, I didn’t see your message, sorry can’t do Saturday how about next Sunday (or whenever).
3. When they ask for an explanation of why you can’t do Saturday just say “I have plans, do you want to do next Sunday instead?” or “I’m busy, do you want to do next Sunday instead?” nothing more, no explanation.
4. Any further pushing from them for Saturday just ignore, let them turn up at your house when you’re not there if needs be.

They may want or expect an explanation but they’re not entitled to one.

The first time you don’t jump through their hoops will be really hard, really uncomfortable, but after that it gets easier. You need to be in charge of the conversation, not the other way around.

I think you're too nice in your responses. The first time say "No, can't do Sat". The next time "Already said I can't do Sat". And the next time "What's going on? You know I can't do Saturday because I've told you twice".

My mother did this to me over Sunday lunch, for her it was every Sunday, like being summonsed for jury duty. I tried to dial it back to ever second week. Every single time I told her we were going to come Every second Sunday, I got the cold shoulder, or dad told me off for "hurting mum".

Things haven't improved. That's who she is, she doesn't listen. He backs her up. It has mattered in other ways too. Things that matter more than Sunday lunch

Just keep saying that you can't do Saturday but will come Sunday. I don't think they are being disrespectful just on autopilot.

My mother is like this. She decrees when she's going to see me and then, when I explain that I have plans, she behaves all dejected, as if I've wronged her. It's narcissism – very exhausting. Solidarity!

I think some of the other posters aren't quite appreciating the level of anxiety/exhaustion it takes to deal with parents like this, who treat you as a puppet/add-on rather than a human being with their own life.

Yes, their boundaries are their boundaries, no big deal, but your boundaries are met with the cold shoulder.

It's such an excellent way of manipulating you. UNTIL it no longer works. Then it has the opposite effect.