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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

228 replies

greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:33

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 07/02/2024 21:53

greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:49

@Halfwaytheree they accept it in the end, but there’s always this dialogue back and forth about it. There’s literally never a time when I say I’m busy and that’s that.

It sounds terrible but when they go on holiday (every few months) it feels like a holiday for me as I know I won’t have to have the same conversation for a couple of weeks

You need to break the mould here. Just tell them once, clearly, and then don't engage. If they complain, just say "we've already discussed this". I think they know full well that they are bullying you, it's passive aggressive and controlling and it needs shutting down.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 07/02/2024 21:54

You need to reframe this as a them problem, not a you problem. There's something not right with them - either they genuinely can't keep track of conversations, or they are just incredibly passive aggressive/conflict avoidant and this is their weird way of dealing with being told things they don't like.

Either way you don't need to take it on, you don't need to fume about being 'disrespected' or feel guilty or stew on it all night.

Say no once without going into details about why and mean it, if they message again reply 'Scroll up ^^ we already discussed this'.

I say this from experience, believe me!

theduchessofspork · 07/02/2024 21:55

You have got to stop enabling it OP - I know it’s annoying as it’s not your fault in the first place, but it will only get worse as your child gets older and they get sucked into it.

Answer saying - no I’m not free sorry.

And then don’t respond to that line of questioning again

They think you are a doll they can pick up and put down as it suits them. It’s not on.

Lewiscapaldiscat · 07/02/2024 21:56

They won’t respect your boundaries until you do.

if you say no and they say yes and you do it anyway you are saying it’s ok to ignore you the first time.

Original poster
greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:56

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 07/02/2024 21:54

You need to reframe this as a them problem, not a you problem. There's something not right with them - either they genuinely can't keep track of conversations, or they are just incredibly passive aggressive/conflict avoidant and this is their weird way of dealing with being told things they don't like.

Either way you don't need to take it on, you don't need to fume about being 'disrespected' or feel guilty or stew on it all night.

Say no once without going into details about why and mean it, if they message again reply 'Scroll up ^^ we already discussed this'.

I say this from experience, believe me!

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom i think this is the essence of why it upsets me, it’s because I don’t understand why they’re doing it? They definitely haven’t forgotten, I know it’s not that. But why do they do it? I have shouted at them about it, cried to them about it, tried to calmly tell them it feels disrespectful… it goes in one ear and out the other. And then they will say ‘we just wanted to see you.’

OP posts:
Goldensnitchupthejacksie · 07/02/2024 21:57

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 07/02/2024 21:50

Reply to the comment once and no more. Then don't show up. Do it every time. They'll soon learn

This.

This whole thing is truly weird. Some people are fucking strange.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 07/02/2024 22:03

@greenjelsa they're doing it because they don't like your answer and want you to change it.

Presumably if you'd replied 'great, can't wait!' they wouldn't do it?

BurbageBrook · 07/02/2024 22:07

That is infuriating OP. YANBU!

Shinyandnew1 · 07/02/2024 22:19

That’s really weird!

I think I’d try a laughing emoji and say, ‘I’m starting to worry about your memory, mum!’

HillyHoney · 07/02/2024 22:24

That's incredibly frustrating, OP.

I would make my first response along the lines of "I have plans on Saturday that I cannot change, so please don't ask me to do that. I can meet you on Tuesday." then you've pre-empted it and in theory have given them all the info they need - you don't need to respond further.

In practice though I know it's never that easy! Have you sat them down and said "I'd like to talk to you about you constantly expecting me to change my plans, even when I make it clear to you that I can't do that. It's making me.miserable and I would like you to understand that, and to stop it"?

If they continue after having a face-to-face discussion then I'd consider not seeing them for a few weeks tbh.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 07/02/2024 22:28

I have 4 adult children and would never ever presume like this. Rude and disrespectful,

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 07/02/2024 22:31

greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:56

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom i think this is the essence of why it upsets me, it’s because I don’t understand why they’re doing it? They definitely haven’t forgotten, I know it’s not that. But why do they do it? I have shouted at them about it, cried to them about it, tried to calmly tell them it feels disrespectful… it goes in one ear and out the other. And then they will say ‘we just wanted to see you.’

Show quote history

Argh, it's really getting to you, I understand that.

Honestly, I think you really just need to reach a point of acceptance and let it go. This is who they are, it doesn't really matter why they are doing this because they're not going to change. You tried.

Can you see the funny side? Have a bit of fun with them as pps suggested above, or vent to someone else - 'you won't believe what the old duck has come up with this time!'

It's not you, it's them!

BreakfastAtMilliways · 07/02/2024 22:34

Blamethrower · 07/02/2024 21:44

'See you Saturday!'

'Sorry but I've made plans already'

They repeat, and then you repeat

And after about the 10th (documented) time tell them that if they can’t remember the last 10 times you’ll take them to the memory clinic to get checked out. 😈

TotHappy · 07/02/2024 22:37

😯

CorBlimeyGuvna · 07/02/2024 22:42

greenjelsa · 07/02/2024 21:56

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom i think this is the essence of why it upsets me, it’s because I don’t understand why they’re doing it? They definitely haven’t forgotten, I know it’s not that. But why do they do it? I have shouted at them about it, cried to them about it, tried to calmly tell them it feels disrespectful… it goes in one ear and out the other. And then they will say ‘we just wanted to see you.’

Show quote history

It’s really weird and I don’t understand it OP. Can completely understand why it’s upsetting and distressing for you. I agree, it does feel disrespectful and weirdly invalidating – it’s basically the equivalent of pretending you haven’t heard someone speak. It’s like they’re trying to railroad you into doing what they want. Do they have form for being cruel or is this some weird blind spot they have? Do they possibly think it’s funny? It really is so weird and no doubt infuriating.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/02/2024 22:44

They are putting forward a really good case for you emigrating!

fleurneige · 07/02/2024 22:47

Blamethrower · 07/02/2024 21:44

'See you Saturday!'

'Sorry but I've made plans already'

They repeat, and then you repeat

No, do not keep repeating. Once, and perhaps one reminder, clear and loud. End of. It would drive me mad too.

MCOut · 07/02/2024 22:54

YABU

It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

Kindly it sounds like this happens because you have allowed it. From now on just repeat “Unfortunately I have plans, we will have to organise an alternate date”. If they ask why, same sentence, if they ask you to reschedule same sentence, if they get upset same sentence and if they call again same sentence. Don’t show up. Each and every time until they stop.

If they complain about your change in attitude, remind them you have had had repeated conversations about this, you have learned they neither listen nor compromise so you are unwilling to discuss it further.

Gymnopedie · 07/02/2024 23:18

But why do they do it? I have shouted at them about it, cried to them about it, tried to calmly tell them it feels disrespectful… it goes in one ear and out the other.

They're doing it because they don't respect you. Because they don't see you as a person in your own right, allowed to have a life of your own. You only exist in terms of your relationship with them.

It doesn't go in one ear and out the other, it doesn't go in. Although you're saying the words, metaphorically they have their fingers in their ears singing la la la la. Because they don't want to hear it, to them it's just meaningless words.

How often do you see them? Do they come to you or expect you to go to them? (I know which I'd bet my last hairgrip on.) So if you've had the Saturday conversation once, could you just not see them again until Saturday's been and gone? Alternatively when you've told them once and they repeat it the next time just say no you won't and change the subject. Don't start explaining and justifying all over again. If they repsond badly that's their problem not yours, and assuming you're at theirs that's probably a good time to leave.

Fetaa · 07/02/2024 23:26

Just say ‘can’t do Saturday, Sunday is free if you’d like to agree a time’ then ignore further questions or statements about Saturday and only respond to Sunday questions. Be uncontactable Saturday and out of the house. Be contactable Sunday. If they say anything in retrospect state that they know you were busy Saturday so have no idea why they were worried. Then repeat repeat repeat.

Fetaa · 07/02/2024 23:27

particularly important not to get drawn into discussions or give in and let them come Saturday. Make some firm boundaries

bluelavender · 07/02/2024 23:31

Play daft 'oh but I can't see you THIS Saturday ' . Don't accept the premise of what they are suggesting. It's really rude to your friend to change plans on their whim. It's tricky but try if you can to not let it play in your mind too much. They are being unreasonable

ManchesterGirl2 · 07/02/2024 23:32

That's so weird.

Maybe its time to try mocking them about it,

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 07/02/2024 23:33

It is very very difficult to break the patterns of a lifetime. I have a similar repeated pattern, and recently I said 'no' for the first time as an adult in 30 years and it was very hard work, but ultimately no is no. I felt better for doing it. Otherwise you just get tangled in explanations and excuses when it's fine to say no, I'm busy on that day or no, it's not convenient.

Thing is, no one else would push you to be rude as everyone else would get the hint immediately and realise you were not free on Sat! You get forced into being rude or mean to stop it going on.

I think you've had great advice on here though. One sentence, explaining you are not free on Sat, but are free Sun, and to let you know whether to come Sun or not. If they ask again, just leave the text.

I know they will amplify, call other people, call you on different phones, make out you are being irrational or ill or something, but just stay steadfast.

It is much harder than it looks with these type of people, I was even worried they would turn up on the doorstep and try to enter the house after I said no!

If you can't do it for yourself, model being nice but assertive to your children, it's not ok for someone to ignore you when you say 'no, that day's not convenient, how about another day', so do it for them if not for yourself.

Heronwatcher · 07/02/2024 23:33

I think it’s the dialogue which needs to stop TBH. What would happen if you told them once and then just didn’t respond, then just didn’t meet them? If they are annoyed could you not just say “but I told you in my message I wasn’t able to make it and can see you read it.”
Maybe the next time they’d take your first answer. It may feel cruel but better than long term resentment.