is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

There’s nothing you can do except pretend to be ill and buy some ear defenders🤣. It does work…

Parents can be strange can't they?

When we visited for a weekend my ILs could never quite get their heads around us also wanting to see friends & not spend the entire time with them.

A couple of times as we were about to leave they'd say "Oh, we've invited Auntie So & So to come & see you.

Ah well, at least they were better company than the ILs!

It isn't up to others to respect our boundaries- we have no control over that.
It is up to the individual to enforce a boundary, not others.
We set our stance, we communicate and step back. No repetition, no argument.

This is the kind of thing which happens if you only communicate by text. One phone call where you say 'sorry but I'm not free until ...... I have already arranged to see friends on ...... ' . Teexts don't convey the tone of voice so often cause havoc.

I would constantly do exactly the same to them, the moment they mention doing something with anyone else, keep doing it back to them. Maybe they will soon get the message!

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom I think this is the essence of why it upsets me, it’s because I don’t understand why they’re doing it? They definitely haven’t forgotten, I know it’s not that. But why do they do it? I have shouted at them about it, cried to them about it, tried to calmly tell them it feels disrespectful… it goes in one ear and out the other. And then they will say ‘we just wanted to see you

That last comment is the classic guilt trip tactic to get their own way ...and getting their own way to fit their schedule is clearly a driver here.

I suggest:

1. Reply "Would have been nice to see you but I am not free that day. Do you want to arrange another time that is suitable for all of us?"

1. If they come back telling you to change tour arrangement reply "No. I cant. Do you want to arrange another time that is suitable for all if us?"

1. Keep repeating that question regardless of what other comments come back. Do not tell them why you are not free.

1. Once you have repeated the question,say, 4 times n response reply with "I wont be here on Saturday. Let me know if you decide you want to arrange another time that is suitable for both of us!"

At that point stop replying unless they come back with an alternative time to visit.

And go out BEFORE the time they might turn up on Saturday so they arrive to an empty house

When they text to complain say "I did tell you." ..."let me know if you want to
arrange another time that is suitable for all of us" ....

They're infantilising you and controlling you @greenjelsa

The repeated conversations on the same issue need to stop. You tell them once, then ignore all further references to the 'Saturday' and any engagement relating to Saturday if brought up retrospectively.

Green - Can't make Saturday as I am busy and not available. This is non negotiable. Hope you're both well and if you would like to see toddler and I then we can make some time on Sunday

Parents - but but but emotional manipulation

Green - snooze conversation in whatever messaging app you use

It is bullying. Some parents refuse to let go of control. They will harass you, ignore you, guilt you - anything to keep you in line. It will not stop until you make it stop. 'I can't see you Saturday. How does next Thursday sound?'
It might be worth refusing their 'invitation' even when you're free, so that you start to establish some autonomy.

You’ve told them you’re otherwise engaged so don’t respond. If they kick up a fuss remind them to look at their messages as to why you were busy or send a screen shot of the messages to them and remind them. Leave it at that. If it makes you exhausted, mute the conversations for 24hrs or something and ignore them. Don’t let them make you feel like this when they eventually accept it in the long run. You have the power to shut this crap down.

This, and do the same every time they ignore your wishes or plans. Insidious people like your parents are actually worse than overtly overbearing ones as you are made to feel like the bad guy when you don’t fall in line. You mentioned feeling anxious and staying awake worrying about how to deal with them - that’s not usual when you have a healthy relationship with your parents. They don’t respect your boundaries so you’re going to have to decide whether you’re willing to be controlled. I had ex in-laws who were similar and I’d suggest you read some self help books on stopping being a people pleaser while you consider your relationship with them. This will give you advice on how to manage them being in your life on your terms without being drawn into an emotional battle. Best of luck with it all 🙏

I don't agree with sending the same message over and over again or sending a screenshot repeatedly etc.

You need to stick resolutely to saying no ONCE and then ignoring all further references to the issue. This toxic cycle of telling them over and over again is breathing life into this behaviour (not that it's in any way your fault) @greenjelsa and it is obviously causing you distress.

It is genuinely within your power to turn this around.

You may not be able to change their behaviour overnight but you can change the way you respond. They will come round eventually to you setting boundaries but entertaining their bullshit has to stop. No means no and you only need to say it once.

talk rather than text

Tell them once. If they message again and say "See you Saturday" just don't respond and ignore all contact from them on Saturday. If they mention it again, "I told you I was busy, you chose to ignore me and I refuse to keep repeating myself because you won't listen. I will only ever tell you when I am busy once and after that, if you don't take on board what I have said, I will ignore further mention of the topic and don't expect me to turn up"

I think you're being immensely strong by not giving into this petty abuse. It takes a great deal of energy to be ground down like this. I do like the idea of asking if they're getting forgetful.

Part of me would say "See you, then" to sound like "See you then!" Then have Saturday with the friend and tell them they knew you were seeing the friend and must have understood one for the other! 😂

So why do you keep engaging in a circular conversation going nowhere? Why not just say "Sorry, seeing X Saturday, I'll call you Sunday (or next Thursday) to see when we're all free to meet up". No one is making you keep replying to every single text. I grew up in the days before the mobile phone, when people weren't "available all the time". Being "available all the time" is clearly not working for you.

They do it because you let them. Tell them once that you will be unavailable and then change the subject. And be unavailable. You feel guilty because they have taught you to feel guilty. It will be a struggle but you can teach yourself not to feel guilty.

I think there are people who will understand this, and people (with the other type of parents) who just won’t get it.

It’s very hard, and exhausting and it’s a bit like fighting a snowstorm.

Lol, are you one of my younger siblings??? 😂

If you are… broken record technique. Resend the same text. Even better, quote it in the messages

Honestly they would only get a second reply from me, and that would be "No you won't". Don't allow them any wriggle room

^ this - don’t cancel on your friend. just go out to meet up with them. When they call - say remember I was busy today.

This is a serious problem because they do not respect your boundaries. They expect you to jump to their call at any time but in reality, you are a grown adult with your own family now and they need to respect this fact. You need to be firm with them no matter what happens because (incase you have not noticed) they are controlling you.

I would give dates I was free to parents and not change them unless needed

YABU because you keep repeating the same behaviour and they keep on ignoring you. Change how you deal with this.

It's because you allow it.

Been there with my mum and what you need are boundaries.

Stressing about what & how to say things to them isn't helpful to you, especially when they don't return the courtesy.

I’d be tempted to call them out on it EVERY SINGLE time!!

They say ‘See you Saturday’ …. You respond ‘I’m busy Saturday, but am free Sunday’…
they reply ‘surely you can cancel.. see you Saturday!’ So you respond and call them out, something like ‘I’ve already said I’m busy Saturday and won’t be continue this conversation as find it very disrespectful to me & my plans!… if you want to see me Sunday let me know, but otherwise I’ll see you another day!!’

end of!