is it normal to feel this fucking disrespected over this? Or am I a dick?

[greenjelsa]

I honestly don’t know.

My parents are retired. They have an active social life. I have a toddler.

Example of dialogue or text exchange:

Them: see you both on Saturday!

me: I am seeing (friends name on Saturday).

them: oh you can see us on Saturday! We want to see you!

me: I don’t want to cancel on (friends name).

them: can’t you change it and see her on Sunday?

me: no because that’s the only day she can do and we’ve arranged it.

two days later…

them: see you on Saturday!

and so it goes on.

they are not mentally unwell. If they have plans I don’t hear a thing from them.

I am so sick of this constant dialogue. It makes me feel so shit and disrespected. It happens all the time. I couldn’t even imagine just saying no I am not free, without explanation as that would be a big no no, they would absolutely expect me to see them.

aibu to let this get to me so much? I feel it’s so hypocritical as they are very clear when they are busy. I’ve asked them to stop doing this so many times, for years, nothing changes.

Say no and don’t give a reason

Do it back to them?

Do it on a weekend when you know they have plans. Keep badgering them and then point out that they do it to you.

This.

I find that behaviour really shocking and disrespectful. Actually quite narcissistic too? You have to tackle it head on and tell them that when you say you are not free it means you are not free.

Mothers!! Yay! They’re brilliant at making us feel guilty.
My mum made me feel guilty.
My Nan made my mum feel guilty.

I’ll bet half the women on MN would agree.

You cannot change their behaviour, only yours and your reaction to it.

Why are you putting up with behaviour they would not tolerate from you?

Disengage and do not explain. Reply, I'm busy Saturday, does Sunday work (OR WHATEVER DAY WORKS BEST FOR YOU)

Reiterating your answer is not rude.
Text; See you Saturday
Nope; still out. I might even reply attaching my first no message.

Set a boundary. First time, 'I'm not responding to this when you know I have other plans and they won't change. I would love to see another time. If you keep asking I will ignore your future messages about this.' Then ignore, it is not rude. I'd mute notifications and go about my day.

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.

Treat them how they treat you.

Sorry I can't do Saturday, I am seeing [insert friend's name]. How about Sunday?

I feel your pain with this, my family is the same. Never ask if I have plans, just assume I will be available when they want to do something, that I'm sat at home waiting for them to call.

When I do say I have plans, I'm made to feel belittled as to whatever it is I'm doing.

They are doing it because they don't see you as an adult.
They like being in control.
Do they help you out financially at all OP e.g helped you with a deposit for a house, a car etc?

Tell them if you can't make something. If they push it, say one more time that you're not going to rearrange your plans. If they keep pushing it, you take yourself out of the situation.

They will get the message eventually.

They are the dicks, Op, not you!

If you keep corresponding the same way you always have you will continue to get the same outcome.
Change something.
I like the laughing emoji
Dont get caught up in replying to them. Ignore the repeated requests. Distance yourself. If you need to reply just a word “Sunday?” then ignore. You are feeding this by responding and allowing them to treat you like this.

"I refer you to my previous answer"

then copy and paste to every new demand.

send them a very very VERY long text message back seeming indecisive about saturday: ok let’s do Saturday, oh actually Im seeing a friend, or maybe i could change it, actually no i want to see her, but then it is a saturday, maybe i could cancel, but i do want to see my friend… and keep writing like that over and over and over without a real decision made, hit send and then switch off your phone and go and see your friend. Enjoy messing with their heads x

For your sanity...

Form a plan of how you will respond. Respond this way and ONLY, and EXACTLY this way every single time.

Something like:

'I am busy on X-day, we can do Y-day/we can discuss another date on Y-day'.

Then do not offer any further response to messages assuming you will be available on X day. Up to you if you offer the same message over and over or no response at all, but stick to it.

Words mean nothing, actions mean everything.

Reply I am busy sat. Then for all future replies you jsut reply to your previous I am busy message again with ‘I answered this earlier’ dont do variations of it, just the same wording every time

You don't need to be so worked up about this, just say you can't go as you have plans, and don't go!

You have been very patient, but I think it is time you disrespected them for a change!

I would initially always say yes to meeting them, that way you get them off your back and they won't keep annoying you. The day before or even a few hours before, you text them and you always cancel due to "ill health" (flu, covid, stomach bug, toddler is teething etc) You then switch phone off as you are too "ill or busy to answer". They cannot complain 😀
Repeat this again and again. If they try to come round for a visit, tell them you are too ill to open the door, or you are not going to be at home as you have an emergency doctor's appointment, or you are going to A&E. Tell them you do not want to infect them with whatever you have so they have to stay away! You will let them know when you feel "better" and they can come round to see you.

Please do not feel guilty. They are causing you a great deal of stress! You have said that in the past the only time they listen is when you are ill - well just be "ill" all the time, then they will have to listen to you!

They know exactly what they’re doing OP and they’re enjoying the control they have over you, seeing you squirm. Gives them power. My mum is a bit like this if she knows I’ll over explain myself she keeps picking at it as she knows she’s hit a sore spot or is enjoying that she can have that effect.
Just go grey rock- tell them ONCE you’re not free and no further responses when they mention Saturday. If they show up at yours Saturday say oh I told you I was going out (DO NOT say the word sorry). It’s entirely their fault, they are being unreasonable here.
I suggest a course of counselling to explore why it’s difficult for you to assert yourself and to help build your boundaries.

I'm a 60 something mum of adults who I would love to see every day if I could but I'm fully aware that they have their own lives with their own friends and priorities so I think your parents are being unreasonable. Stand your ground and manage their expectations.

When you’ve tried the respectful way and that’s failed, I think it’s reasonable to escalate.

You could just say something like “Don’t be bloody rude, mum/dad.” And then refuse to engage. Put the phone down or change the subject. Ask them what’s in their will. Tell them what you’re planning for Christmas lunch. Whatever makes the point well.

Or tell them once - “I’m sick of this. I’ve asked you to stop. I’ve pleaded with you and shouted at you. I’m done. In the future, if I tell you I’m busy and you suggest I change my plans, I’m going to agree, just to shut you up. And then I’m not going to turn up. Just so you know. I won’t be warning you about it again. I will just whole heartedly agree and then leave you hanging.” Then do it.

I would just write back “No you won’t.”

Have you tied just replying

"I'm busy Saturday - I'll see you Sunday at 1pm".

Then if they say anything other than they aren't free Sunday you can keep reply

"See above ☝️".

So just don't engage.

It's very disrespectful!

I just wouldn't reply to any follow up barracking and then if called out on it say "oh, but you already knew I wasn't free so I didn't think I needed to RSVP again?'.

Alternatively you could respond "oh no not this again 😂" and just consistently take the mick out of them every time.

The problem is here is you (and I mean this in a nice way). You need to find your resolve and stick to it. Stop playing their silly games.

As a parent of adult dds, I thinks it’s very important at a certain stage when your children reach adulthood, and certainly once they have a child themselves, to transition from “parent mode” to “adult to adult mode”.

It’s about respect for who they are as an individual. Even though you still love them in an adult-child way, your relationship moves on.

Sadly, lots of parents of adult children just can’t seem to make that transition or give up the control they once had over their dc. I see it in a couple of my friends who constantly give unsolicited advice or think that, because they help out with childcare once a week, they have a right to dictate how their gc is dressed or fed without consulting or deferring to the child’s parents.

Op it seems like in your case your parents still see you as part of them and not as a separate individual with a mind and life of their own.

It doesn’t make it right but is there some reason why they feel entitled to behave in this way; eg do you depend on them financially or for childcare or have they helped you out in difficult circumstances?

Do you have a partner who can act as a bit of a gatekeeper for you?

I think you need to try and step back a bit and just do what you want to do without communicating with them, without their “permission”. They don’t listen anyway do they? So just step back a bit. Don’t always reply. Live your life and there will be an awkward transition phase when they turn up and you are not there or you already have guests but just crack on and hopefully they’ll get the message.

An alternative strategy:

Them "can you meet on Saturday?"
You: "I'd love to see you next Saturday!"

Saturday rolls around. You're a no-show.

Them "why aren't you here?"
You "Huh? We agreed next Saturday not this Saturday. Obviously it couldn't be this Saturday because I'd told you that I'm not free this Saturday. Gosh mum that's so silly of you, you need to get better organized!"

A little bit of messing them around would probably solve this habit of theirs quickly.