To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

We’re shift workers so can sometimes get there; the flip side is we work weekends and Christmas and so on. It is what it is.

My mum was a SAHM and will have been at every thing I ever did. I don’t remember it at all.

You only get one life and in this case one child too, with all the firsts. Lying on your deathbed will you be looking back at the lesson you taught that morning to a y6 class or the fact you saw your daughter in the nativity etc?

I knew by the title of your post that you were a teacher before I even clicked on it. I am too, about to be ex-teacher. This is one of many reasons. Since being on maternity leave with my second child I have realised how many moments I would have not had the opportunity to go to with my first over the last few months if I’d been at work. Someone at my school was refused an application to go to their son’s graduation! Some things are way more important than work and that’s one of them. Teaching is one of the least family friendly jobs there is, no flexibility at all

I'd rather find a more flexible job than miss out on all my child's events.

Yep and so many teachers are. It's not just missing all their events. It's working in the evenings and being stressed in the mornings and being anxious about being busy at the weekend as you have work to do and whether you'll recharge enough for Monday.

It really isn't very family friendly.

Genuinely, we simply can't claim that when we don't have to worry about finding childcare for 13 weeks.

Yes it's inflexible, and I'd love to have been able to take days off in term time, but in terms of hours in the building and being around for kids in the holidays, we really can't complain that it's not family friendly. And it's truly galling for many others to hear us do so.

Childcare is a complete nightmare for my DD (nurse with 12.5 hour shifts that don't fit nursery hours) and her DH who also works shifts. And when their eldest starts school they really don't know what they'll do. Their family life is, and will continue to be, so different from what she experienced as a child. Two teacher parents who were home at predictable times, there to put them to bed, and around all the holidays.

It's very easy to get into a teacher bubble and forget the advantages we have.

Teaching of course has many benefits from a family life perspective with long holidays so no childcare worries then. And of course, it is not the only profession where people miss seeing their kids nativity or whatever.

However, it IS perfectly possible for schools to flex on this, if they choose to. Plenty of teachers on here have said they’ve been allowed to go to things like this, and guess what - their class were fine for that hour/half day!! Schools who have a blanket no policy on this are choosing not to help their staff out in quite a small way.

If it’s important to you, and your school always say no, you don’t need to give up teaching; look for another school. There are thousands of unfilled vacancies at the moment. If it’s not important to you and your kid and you think they won’t notice/remember, that’s fine too!

Genuinely, we simply can't claim that when we don't have to worry about finding childcare for 13 weeks

This. It may not be very flexible in term time, but I honestly don't know how people manage the school holidays when they are in non-teavhing jobs. It's half term right now and my husband and I (both teachers) haven't had to think about childcare at all - we're just spending a lovely week together as a family.

I am not a teacher and I can definitely assure you OP that not all children have their parents in attendance at all school events. It's true. Due to work commitments they can't attend everything.

I remember feeling crap about not attending a Christmas carol event at school when I was at home with my third born who was unwell and DH was at work so I couldn't see DS2. Another parent attended and took a photo on my behalf.

Please don't feel bad. Think about all the school holidays you get to spend together. And setting a good example for your DD about work ethic. Not all children have that.

It's definitely family friendly in comparison to professions such a nursing and medicine. Shift work means you are working different hours each week, often only knowing what your rostered shifts are a fortnight in advance.

Impossible to work round a family life in that type of working environment.

Each to their own and all but this narrative is really damaging. There are millions of working parents who just don’t have the option to work in a job that’s flexible.

This idea that your children will be distraught is 1. Not always true and 2. horrible because what can you do if you have to work and can’t get time off.

Every parent has to make decisions based on what their family needs and having a job where you can get to all of your DCs school events is a luxury many people don’t and never will have.

Sorry if this has already been said but if I couldn't get to an event I would ask a friend to wave at DC and take some photos for me so they knew they had a parent watching them even if it wasn't their Mum or Dad. I do think all my teacher friends got to the most important 1 or 2 things though (plays/nativity/leavers assembly) so I feel like that should be a reasonable request.

You have a school problem not a teaching problem. Many decent Hats who value their staff will bend over backwards to replay their hard work by making arrangements for things like this. Mine certainly does.

Sorry HTs! Autocorrect fail!

For those teachers who are in schools that allow you time, how did you go about it? Did you ask at interview if there was that flexibility? I would be so worried about it going against me. Plus teaching interviews and appointments are so weird compared to other jobs already!

(For non teachers - there's no negotiation because of the set pay scales, you are interviewed and appointed on the same day, and usually you are asked at the end of the interview day if you were to be offered the job, would you accept, and you are expected to stick with that answer! There isn't the back and forth on salary, holiday, benefits that there is in a lot of jobs which is when I could imagine asking about flexibility.)

Our schools give timetables in advance. Could you book those days as leave in advance?

I think that schools should not invite parents to class assemblies. Yes, it'd be lovely to see your child perform, but imagine if you were one of handful of children whose parents couldn't make it due to work?

You're missing the whole point of the thread!

No. Teachers don’t get to book annual leave.

To be fair, I’ve just been lucky so far (4 times!) as I’ve never asked at interview. That said, I haven’t changed schools since I had my child. Now, I think I would ask at interview in the ‘any questions’ bit. It’s important enough to me that I’d probably decline if they said no.

PS I have also negotiated my salary scale point in my last 2 schools as pay scales are not set in stone like they were 15 years ago.

there is a teacher shortage. Schools can’t be as picky as they were years ago!

Your child is going to be soooooooo lucky that every single holiday Mummy will be on holiday too - no summer holiday clubs / no having to go to a relative for childcare / no having to have childcare from a nanny or babysitter for a few days etc.

However if you do ask your employer for time off you need to prioritise - first ever class assembly - really I would only expect sahm to be there.
Nativity or sports day - are once a year and more important ?

That's interesting, thanks for that. I've been out of the game for a while so not sure what's changed!

there is a teacher shortage. Schools can’t be as picky as they were years ago!

Unfortunately, in many schools there is also a huge budget issue and schools are having to make teachers redundant/not replace them when they leave and are hiring unqualified staff or TA/HLTAs to ‘teach’ classes instead.

Many heads don’t have the choice to say, ‘I’ll hire you and I can opt to pay you more because we are desperate and that’s fine to have time off for your kids assembly’, it’s more like, ‘You are no longer a TA any more, you need to be responsible for teaching the class and we’ll pay you £1 more an hour for the rest of the year.

Things are sadly this bad in a growing number of schools.

Are you a teacher?!