To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

It's a contributing reason to so many people leaving teaching I'm sure.

So many jobs now post vovid are wfh or include wfh or flexibility and teaching obviously can't.

I live in a fairly low income area and honestly nearly every child had someone there (sometimes a grandparent) and it was heartbreaking seeing two or three looking for a parent. Mine still remember the odd time I didn't come in.

On the flip side why do primary schools expect you to come in SO much. We used to have award assemblies and look at their work sessions pretty much! every half term.

It would be one thing in favour of private school as the default is to expect parents are not around!

I’m 0.8 and paying all the bills (badly) as single mother. Going to stay 0.8 in September when he starts school for exactly this reason, and try to find out which day they do most parent stuff on.

The job doesn’t care about you. Look after yourself and your kid first.

I was teaching 20 years before I had mine as older first time parent, so I have less tolerance for work bullshit and stronger boundaries.

I’d def ask for a meeting with the Head if it’s still a no, move school. Keep evidence of the meeting so any poor reference can be linked back to that moment.

What’s your subject OP?

The HOD has to approve before it goes to line managers. I’ve been at the school for 6 years now and I know some teachers manage to get to their kids events this is why it’s very unfair as it’s not consistent.

I'm a HOD, your HOD is dreadful. I would be strongly advocating to SLT for my staff to have time off for things like this, unless there's a back story with loads of other absences. In these circumstances if you think it's inconsistent across departments get in touch with the head directly and explain what you want - be less passive. If not, leave and find a school with a better HOD/more supportive head.

I work in FE and we are very flexible. Perhaps consider changing schools or could you work part time?

Change school then, it beggars belief they couldn't let you get cover for 30 mins /40 mins. In my experience class assembly are short

I'm a teacher as well (primary) and DS attends my school, which makes things easier. If there is an event only for his class or year group, I can usually talk to our cover team so that someone takes my class for a bit.
I'm full time and medical appointments will sometimes be scheduled during work hours. I get time off for those without it being an issue. While I try to schedule them outside of work hours or during my PPA, they don't always work out like that.
It depends on your school and headteacher. (I also work abroad now and the culture here is completely different.)

I totally understand how hard this must be, but remember that being a teacher will allow you to spend more time (school holidays) with your child than most working parents. I would say that's worth more to your daughter than going to a 20 minute school assembly.

Remember the plus side - when our dc are in holiday clubs you will be at home with them - swings and roundabouts plus my dc's school did a 6pm nativity

Know quite a few teachers. Some are part time but it basically boils down to what day of the week the event is on. So often can’t go.

Some (far from all) have super flexible heads who allow time off for this sort of thing from time to time. And the actual teachers (secondary) cover for each other somehow.

Often others cannot attend these things at my kids school. Often it's dads and a lot of grandparents instead. Can grandparents attend instead?

You are NOT a bad mother. You are a very good mother, working hard to put clothes on your child’s back, food on the table, keeping a roof over her head and setting her a brilliant example that girls grow up to be women and they have to work hard if they want anything in life.
First - all the other mummies were there: bollocks. Many won’t have been able to be
second: events right in the middle of the day, ok that is when school is, but most people just can’t go.
third: prioritise. The nativity play is a must. As a manager and mum I make sure my staff and I get to those and make up work time or let them take annual leave. An assembly is not as important. To be honest, by organising stuff like that for parents just causes upset, knowing that so many won’t be there. They should either film it or just have the children perform to other year groups and keep the parent audience stuff for Christmas and the summer play.

Can you find a better school? Not a quick fix I know.

Ours allows us to arrange swaps with other staff for things like kids assemblies/plays.

Also time off for medical appointments (outside routine GP/dentist) is not questioned.

Some schools make it work because they appreciate their staff, others don't. I'd always pick one where wellbeing is high on the agenda.

It's so hard isn't it? We can't attend all of my sons, I have to book annual leave to attend and just can't justify doing that for all the events there are, as of course we also book A/L for his sickness as well as wanting a week family time a year (and I know it's even harder as a teacher)

Some ideas - check the schools filming policy, ours will film clips from assemblies/sports day/awards etc. if the school won't film but parents are allowed to ask one of the school mums if they could film when your child is talking/has a part.

If you can sort that out then you can set up some after dinner snacks on the sofa, cuddle up together and watch them (possibly repeatedly if anything like mine) and maybe make that your new tradition which you both look forward to

The only teachers I know who are able to go work part time. School assemblies are often on the same day every week.

Obviously there’ll be other events on different days but there’s often a pattern at any given school.

The only way around this is to teach at her school

Oh sorry you can't teach at her primary school then!

That sucks.

I work (not a teacher but I am at work at the same time my kids were/are at school) so if I wanted to make it to any sort of event in their school I'd have to either take a half day or a full day of annual leave.

Your employer must allow you take your annual leave though - I'd be checking with whatever union you are in whether what your HOD is saying is legally enforceable.

Also on an unrelated note - YAY!! MN Admins have finally made the "Quote" button where the "Reply" button used to be and it does include the text of the post that you want to quote. Finally! phew!!!! Sorry, I digress.

I do hope you're able to sort something out with your employer.

Do try your very best to go to some of her school events. Even if that means pulling a sicky. It's really sad for your daughter that not one person goes to see her. I'm sure she'll understand when she's older, but she's not there yet. All she knows is now. I was in a similar position as a child. My dad wasn't around and my mum couldn't ever attend any of my school things. One time I was given a solo part to play with the orchestra. I remember looking around the crowd for someone with curly hair like my mum's so I could pretend it was her and play my part for her. I remember feeling pathetic at the time, but now I just feel sad for the little child I was. So, yeah, try your best. Christmas plays are the big ones.

Move schools if you can to one that allows more flexibility. Depending on how much you are valued at your current school, just applying for other jobs might be enough for your current employer to be more flexible if you explain that’s why you’re looking to move.

I’m primary but our head would always approve requests for time off for these kinds of things.

I work in a school and not able to attend many school events but always make sure the kids have someone there for them either dad or grandparents.

I am a teacher, my kids are 12, 10 and 7 and have been to pretty much all my kids events. I work part time which helps as I can usually swap days if I need to and sometimes I am owed holidays I can take. Failing that I usually swap my NCT (PPA in England I think) or my HT will sometimes get the DHT to cover if it's just for an hour or so.

Aww don’t feel bad. I work in an office PT so I am able to attend some of my children’s assemblies etc but not all. There will be quite a lot of working parents in your situation.
At least you will get the school holidays with your child., a lot of parents have to put kids in holiday clubs whilst still trying to juggle work. Maybe discuss some nice things you can do together in the holidays, that way she will have something to look forward to.

Look at other schools, completely normal in school i’ve worked in to have a personal day, time off for nativity etc

Personally I'd strive to attend the nativity play and sports day, and not beat yourself up about missing anything else.