To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

You need to stand up for yourself. Email HOD, copy in head and ask for the next date you need. State quite clearly that you’ve been refused the previous 6 times or whatever and say that you feel it’s unfair. A sensible head would read between the lines and pull your HOD up on this. It isn’t fair!

There really should be some flexibility. I’m an ex Primary HT and always tried my best to make sure that the teachers got to at least some school events. Children starting school was always a difficult to accommodate as children returning after the summer break expect to see their teacher on the first day back. For Christmas events during the day we always managed to sort something out or for assemblies children were getting awards at.

You’re not a bad mum at all, many parents had work commitments that meant they couldn’t make every school event their child was in. We were a fabulous team and often part time staff would come in their day off to let others away to attend school events if we couldn’t cover from the staff we had.

If others are getting time off to attend events for their children you really need to raise it, that’s really unfair.

Am I the only person who loathes school events. The great joy of secondary was not having to go.
But sorry OP it must be hard if you want to go.

I hope you can manage to get permission to attend the occasional event in the future.

I like the suggestion of talking up the school holidays with your child - you may miss the school events, but you get much more time with them in the holidays.

Do you have a friend or neighbour who would go so that she has someone there? There might well be an older neighbour who would love to get to see the children perform. Not only would that mean your child has someone to look for in the audience, but they'd also get to hear the neighbour tell you all about it afterwards, which would be an "extra". (One of our local childminders was great at turning up at school events for her charges - she'd be at sports day, with the younger ones she also minded, cheering the kids on and taking photos (if permitted) for the parents.)

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

As a parent you are legally entitled to unpaid leave. I used this once to attend one of my children’s first days, though a lot of it is down to the HT’s discretion. It’s horrible missing your kids things while you’re there for everyone else’s kids.

This is one of the reasons I left teaching. I was killing myself to do right by other people's kids, but not allowed to do a damn thing for my own. Fuck that.

I’m a teacher and works part time but if something like that clashes I request the time off. I wouldn’t miss it.

It's not a teaching thing. Lots of jobs have restrictions about time off and holidays, swapping shifts etc.

Me and my husband both regularly end up missing our child's events because the school give too little notice (eg 2 weeks, when our trips are booked a couple of months in advance). I have been really upset about this in the past but honestly my kids have literally never mentioned it, they can't even remember the events they do in the early years of school.

I've had the conversations with my kids about would they rather me go to things like that, pick them up from school every day etc or they have breakfast club and day trips and regular holidays etc and now they're a bit older they know it's a compromise and are happy with our family choices.

Also as a child I'd have 100x rather had all summer holidays with a parent, rather than had them come to my sports day/ nativity a couple of times a year and been in after school club every day or had a significant change to standard of living just for the sake of a few hours of watching me.

You could suggest to your school or pta some changes eg the odd event for working parents (some schools do breakfast events with kids and working parents) so that you can be involved in at least something.

My DC's primary school would do open events at 2:50pm where you could go in, see their work etc. all the kids would be sitting in their seats like puppies in a shop window waiting to see if their parents would be there. I vividly remember one poor boy, maybe 5yo, quietly sobbing in the corner because both his parents were at work and couldn't make it. I'm sure his parents would have loved to be there but it's not always that simple. Absolutely heartbreaking to think about even years later.

Also can you get a family member to go? Kids seem happy with grandparents watching

I'm a deputy head and never get to my daughter's events. Our school policy is a blanket 'no'. I could possibly get away with being out of school for an afternoon as my working hours can be a bit more flexible than teachers / teaching assistants who spend most of their day in class. I don't though as it wouldn't be fair.

I find it incredibly frustrating at times, especially when I'm sat late at school at one of our events. I hope to be a bit more understanding if I ever become a head, and somehow operate a system that does give a bit of flexibility.

I've managed to get around it by inviting a relative in my place - DD was pleased to just have someone to see her. I also make sure to wish her lots of luck and that I'll look forward to hearing about it and seeing the pictures. I've also been really matter of fact about it when telling her, rather than telling her how sorry I am. Not sure if it is the right approach but I wanted to keep it less emotional.

Schools are really struggling to recruit and retain teachers and support staff. Talk to the head. He/she will not want you to leave over this.

That’s why I do PT WFH. I feel for you. We don’t have family in country so it’s important for me to turn up for the kids. Dreading if work asks me to WFO but they’ll possibly be flexible for these things now and then.

That’s awful @voxnihili. I couldn’t work in such an inflexible school.

I am a secondary teacher, we are allowed to request time off within reason. I have had time off for nativity's, first day for 2 - luckily fell on the same day as we only had Yr 7 and 12 in so I wasn't needed. I has also negotiated when I was persuaded to go to 4 days that I have PPA every week on the same afternoon so I can collect my children twice a week. If I hadn't got that I would have stuck at 3 days.

I may forget that I can request this time around sports day and leave that to hubby!!!

Schools can do it if they are willing to, its all about a bit of give and take - speak to your HR person if you believe others are getting the time and your HoD is refusing. Potentially speak to the union rep.

I haven't read the full thread sorry, but I'm also a teacher and for events like this I just arrange cover myself with someone else who is free at that time, and pay them back by taking one of their lessons/ duties for them. Is that not an option?

@blackbirdsinginginthenight Are you primary? How is another teacher going to be free?

@Moonlaserbearwolf its not all bad - it’s probably the least flexible school I’ve worked in, but there are other things that are much better.

I think you need to look for another job.

This is your only dc and not only is she but you as MOM are missing out massively.

I am so lucky as my current job is my own responsibility and I can flex my hours to suit my dc's school events- good job as there are usually 2 things a month to attend during school time.

When I have told dc I may not attend and another family member will go, omg the upset because they mainly want mom there. Although in January I couldn't make one event and so DH went which dc were ok with as friends dad was going too.

It's so sad when the one or 2 children who don't have anyone there for them are crying, it breaks my heart.
There's pressure too as most of the time every child in dc's class has someone go to events to watch/ participate.

You sound like a mom who will genuinely regret not being able to attend these things and wish you'd have done something to change it.

In your daughters world it willl be a big thing I expect as the teachers make it big.

Seriously look for a school with more flexibility- after all a school should understand!!!!!!!!!

It was an absolute no no in all the schools I worked in (middle/primary/special). At my last school (special) TAs were allowed to go to their kids' school things as long as their class teacher was okay with it, but teachers were not. I thought that was fair for TAs as they really weren't paid enough to miss things like this, have to take term time holidays etc.

Our head even expected us to phone to rearrange hospital appointments that we'd waited ages for, if they fell in school time. I just lied and told her I'd phoned but they didn't have any other appointments.

Fortunately most of the time when my kids were small I was doing supply work, and this kind of situation was what made me put off working on a contract for as long as I did. But back then supply was paid well (at my normal scale point) I didn't have to go through agencies, and I could work every day at any of my three favoured schools if I wanted to.

@UpsetMum155
It's one of the many reasons I'm now belatedly regretting my choice of career. Both my DC have suffered due to my work; they both have precisely the memories you describe of having looked around for me at events, hoping against hope that they might see me among the other parents.
More depressing is that, although they've always been in freshly launderered and pressed uniform and always handed homework and reading records in on time, they've always known that, as soon as they're in bed, I'm opening my laptop to spend hours planning and resourcing great bespoke provision for a bunch of other mothers' DC, whom I spend more time with than them. And that's why I'm often tired and pretty much always trying to get ahead or catching up with wotk or a bit sick in the holidays when we could be enjoying quality time together. They've only got one childhood and I feel as if I've allowed the unreasonable demands of my job to squander these special years.

I'm a teacher. I didn't work Fridays - my kids' class assemblies were always on Fridays so I never missed any. Other events I could usually get time off for - but obviously your school isn't one that is sympathetic to that kind of thing. Perhaps they also struggle to retain staff? It's short term thinking. Obviously staff can't do this every week, but every so often shouldn't be impossible.

I'm sorry you missed the assembly - could you ask someone to film it next time and then you and your daughter could watch it together later.

Can you send her
To your school?

Move to a school where the head is both kind and/or has children. I realise I have never worked for a head who hasn't either had children or been a kind, sympathetic type!

I’m a teacher and every school I’ve worked at has allowed going to things like nativity etc. I don’t think going to a class assembly would merit time off though.
if other people in school are getting permission to go to things and you’re not because of your HoD then I would go absolutely bonkers. Your HoD sounds like a control freak. I’ve been a HoD three times (enough) and have never had any control or input over staff requests for absence.
Speak to the deputy head. Point out you are cross. Maybe give an example of a member of staff who had time off for a family event (if you know that to be true) who is different to you…a man maybe. Ask a pointed question. Demand equality.