To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

This was my sister. She gave up teaching h to be a self employed cleaner. Earns similar per hour and can set her own schedule. You dint get these years back and kids do remember you being there for them (or not)

I recently quit teaching for this reason. No schools around here would ever allow it. It's a close community and every head knows if they allow one they'd have to allow all so they just don't. It broke my heart.
My kids are only 1 and 3 but I've already been to several events at nursery and I've just loved being able to go!
Also, the term time holidays we've been on have made it so worth. Such special memories (UK only) that we'd just never have afforded to do before.

I've got to some of my children's stuff over the years but really only the "biggies". Never got to annual sports days for example but did see both leavers assemblies.
It's shit, but as a pp said, school holidays go a long way to making up for it. Kind friends always tried to video things for me, and then I would watch it at home later with DC

Meh. It's swings and roundabouts. I'm a teacher and have been for almost 30 years. My DC are all grown up now - but I had 13 weeks of holiday with them every year, which I wouldn't have done in any other job. Sitting there sobbing because you've missed an assembly feels like a massive over-reaction - and in the nicest possible way you must have realised when you became a teacher that it tends to make it difficult to take time off in term time for things like this?

I've managed the odd nativity, or sports day. Occasionally I've worked somewhere where they let you take an afternoon off/found cover for you. What I would say is that teaching is not a family friendly job - and lone parenting with a 5 year old and a DH who works abroad is going to be hard work.

Call in sick and go

Wow that's tough. Here our primary school do an afternoon Nativity and an evening one, so do others. The grandparents enjoy the afternoon, everyone else the evening. They did five performances this year. Sold a lot of tickets and raised more money.

Have a word with your daughter's head about this lucrative income stream

As a primary teacher I feel exactly the same. My daughter starts school in September and I feel gutted I won't be able to drop her off or collect her on her very first day 😢

DH and I make it to pretty much every school event, we have jobs that are flexible enough for us to do this - but last year my dc spent about 4 weeks in holiday club. And they don't like that much at all. So just keep reiterating that to your dd - no, you couldn't make it to the assembly, the children at your school needed you, but next week you've got 5 full days together 😊

Since going part time after my dd1 was born, I have always had Fridays as a non-working day. This suited me as most events at my kids' primary were on a Friday. However, like a pp said, my dh also works part time (opposite days to me), so anything that fell on my working days, he would attend instead!

When they were little I worked part time and went to a couple. Now I'm full time either my partner goes, their nana goes or no-one goes and they accept we spend 13 weeks together instead.
I did request time off to see my daughter's class assembly which lasted 7 minutes- I didn't bother again.

Call in sick.

By pass your HOD, if there is not parity with other members of staff then you are being treated unfairly. Go straight to the head and make it clear that you are not being treated as other staff are.
Most heads I know approve going to child events within reason. Time to go above your HOD’s head.

Next time, arrange cover yourself by swapping with other teachers/ asking colleagues to cover and hopefully they will let you go.

I got time off to take my DD to school on her first day (working in a school) you should ask for LOA to do this.

Thank you I will by-pass him on next event. I can’t call in sick as I would worry all week about it, I have this irrational fear that I won’t be believed even when I am Unwell! I’ve always gone in hoping someone will see me and tell me to go home - which has NEVER happened.

I’m a teacher and have worked in 4 schools, all of which allowed staff time off for things like this. Primary though; perhaps primary heads put greater value on this as they also run events and invite parents in which I imagine is rarer in secondary schools?

Theres a massive recruitment crisis in education. Schools are finding it hard to recruit and there’s loads of jobs available in most places. I’d start looking elsewhere if I were you. I’d ask ant interview what their policy is on things like this. And make it clear to my current school why I’m looking elsewhere probably before actually giving in my notice . They may find that the hassle of a couple of hours cover to organise occasionally is less than the hassle of recruiting a new teacher, especially if you teach any kind of shortage subject.

As for refusing to allow you to attend medical appointments…wow.

Is your HoD male? Have you actually spoken to slt and / or the head and others about policy? Some hods just do what they want.

@PSEnny We have been told the ONLY time off we can request is for urgent medical appts.
Are you a teacher?

I'm not a teacher, but with 20 AL days, I had to miss all assemblies for my DS plus some Christmas plays and sports days.

It sucks and some of these things should not be happening during school hours.

Strangely enough, DD went to a different primary school (don't ask!) and they were much better in accommodating working parents. They had afternoon & evening performances for Christmas play, NO assembly with parents present, and sports day was organised so that they had a big picnic/ tea at around 4pm ...
With this, you had at least a chance to attend! (The primary school was tiny with an intake of 12 kids per year group...)

This really wouldn’t be possible in most of the schools I’ve worked in. I’m primary-so everyone is already in their own class, we have no TAs and the only support staff we have are 1:1s.

It's things like this that need you to ring in sick.

DH and I are both teachers and we have no family within a couple of hours so our DC went through primary school with neither of us being able to attend things - including their first day of school - that were during the school day. I didn't get to see DC1's only ever class assembly even though I was teaching at the same school, that felt pretty tough!

On the whole, they had understanding teachers who would take photos etc of our DC and email them to us, or other parents who would make an effort to photograph them for us. I worked 4 days a week when they were younger (and still do so even though they are older teenagers) so occasionally I got lucky and could volunteer to go on a school trip that fell on my day off, or perhaps make it to sports day. Neither of them feels hard done by and both know that even if one of us couldn't be there to watch them, we were always there in spirit.

You may be able to look through old newsletters to see which days the school typically does things that parents may be invited to e.g. are class assemblies always on a Wednesday, does the school do anything for World Book Day (always a Thursday but some schools celebrate on a different day)? If there's a pattern, it may be worth thinking about dropping down to 0.8 and asking for a day off that means you would be free to attend at least some of the events. On the other hand, as a secondary teacher you are likely to have free periods - a chat with the timetabling person about what might be possible in terms of having one first thing on a Wednesday morning next year is worth a shot, especially if you teach a shortage subject. Your school may prefer to be flexible about a couple of late starts on a day you're not teaching first thing than to have you request part-time or to leave altogether because you don't want to always miss your DD's school events when she's little.

I feel like such a bad mother

Does your dh feel like such a bad father? Sure he works abroad, but your job also means you can't have these special moments.

On the flip side, you will have many, many years where you don't have to worry about childcare for the holidays and you have the chance to have some amazing adventures and experiences outside term time.

I've been in your shoes op, it really is tough, but the joy of those 'endless weeks of summer' will soon eclipse the disappointment of the school nativity (did I mention the relief of not having to juggle leave for 12/14 weeks a year?)

You might feel guilty but you could say you have a hospital appointment next time. How would they know otherwise?

@bellamountain Because for hospital appts schools will ask for evidence.