To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

A precedent so they would keep failing? Lol

My HOD has allowed me to attend the odd assembly if I've found someone who will swap lessons with me.

Sounds like you should change to a nicer school!

Also usually for planned absence it's the head directly for personal stuff, HoD is for approving days off for training etc.

Obviously take advice from other teachers on the issue of time off.

I'm not a teacher, but have struggled to attend for work reasons and honestly, all the other mummies were not there. Is there anyone that can attend when you can't? Grandparent, auntie or uncle?

That’s really shocking PP about your friend not being allowed to leave when dad died! Is she still at the school?

My mum is a teacher and I know she was rarely able to attend any of these things for me or my siblings growing up. It's not because I am traumatised by the memory of her not being there that I know this, I know because she told me she wouldn't have been there.
What I do remember is how she was always there in schools holidays! Always. Christmas, Easter, Summer, half terms always! And holidays for us were never about shuffling from one childcare arrangement to the other, never about balancing annual leave between two parents, never about being forced into a holiday club we didn't particularly want to go to, we were with Mum. I didn't fully appreciate this at all (because it was just so normal) until I had my own children and I spend my life balancing where they will be every holiday myself because even though I have a very generous 6 week AL package, it just doesn't come close to being enough to fill 14 weeks of school holidays (especially with a self employed DH who can barely afford to take 2 weeks off a year).
It might not be everything you'd pick in an ideal world, but it's pretty bloody good and I promise, your DD will remember the times you were there far far more than the times you weren't.

Our school records performances so parents who couldn't attend can watch later. It's quite good as you can fast forward to the part your kid is in without having to endure the rest.

I understand how you feel but honestly not all parents can go. Your child won't be the only one in this situation. She'll also understand when she's older.

For what it's worth, by year 3, my DC thought it was very uncool to have us attend!

We don’t have family here they’re all abroad. I have my sister but we’re not close and doubt she would want to go!

I’m not sure why it works like that but the protocol is you send LOA (leave of absence) form to HOD then they send to head/SLT for approval. None of my LOA have ever gone past stage 1!

I didn’t go to any of one of my children’s school events as I was teaching in a school with a head who wouldn’t allow teaching staff any flexibility. Luckily DH (who could WFH, take time off or make up hours later) or my parents usually managed to go but I hated it. For an allegedly ‘family friendly’ job, it can be rubbish for things like this :(

She is - she’s a stalwart though and I think it’s the only school she’s ever worked at. But they are always pains if anyone needs to leave in the school day. I dread getting a nursery phone call as I know I won’t be able to get out. It’s stupid as it means if there’s any doubt over whether a child is well or not you end up erring on the side of caution because otherwise they’ll be stuck there all day.

@ALunchbox is this something I could request? I don’t think they are recorded on my daughters school, in fact I’m 100% sure they don’t.

Yes it’s always really sad when you
miss it. I’ve sent grandparents instead if that’s an option? They are usually pretty quick and you hardly get a glimpse of your child in reality! Christmas play etc is usually after school. And if you can get them into some clubs like dance, drama etc those shows are always in the evenings and weekends. And there’s often holiday day activities with some sort of performance attached. Supply teaching would help but if you do something like FE college I think the contracts are longer and it also feels rubbish when you’re packing them off to childcare during the school holidays so not necessarily any better. You could suggest to the school that they look at doing some sort of evening performance, sometimes they listen

Secondary school teacher. I covered someone's class do he vould watch his child in a show. At my school staff are asked to sort their own cover for this sort of occurrence

Yes find out in your school, you might find a way! And you also mentioned Drs appointments, well health has to come first too so don't be afraid to take the time off for medical appointments, as hard as they can be to get sometimes. Every child/organisation needs healthy happy parents/teachers/employees!

You get 13 weeks with her every year though. Change careers and you’ll lose 8 of those.

OP just wanted to chip in to say your school sounds very unreasonable and inflexible not to allow time off for medical appointments, that's surely not right and the union would have something to say about it. I used to be a teacher and was always fine to take off doctors appointments etc -- what else can you do?! Also, I worked in one school where they were quite flexible and allowed staff occasional cover to watch nativities etc. Is
It worth investigating moving school?

@4amwideawake thank you it’s nice seeing it from my DD’s perspective when she’s older!

This isn't the case in the secondary schools I've worked in. I'm not a teacher but I used to deal with staff absence and there were TONNES of absences for personal reasons which were all allowed.

Would it be possible to have a better family/work balance if you and your husband were living together? Why don't you?

Yeah it's hard. I find it really pretty unhelpful of school too sometimes though. Arranging a "mental wellbeing* craft event in the middle of the school day doesn't do much for the wellbeing of children with working parents...

@Rainbowunicornsparkle that's insane they told your friend not to leave when her father died. She should've walked right out and never come back. They should be ashamed of themselves.

In my school, if we find someone who has a free period, and they agree, then we can, surreptitiously, arrange to go to things. But it’s very hit or miss. Otherwise, we can’t go.

I am part time and I still miss things because they’re on a day that I work! It’s incredibly frustrating that we want lots of parental engagement but we can’t actually engage at our children’s school!

I totally understand why you’re upset.

A good head.

This pisses me off no end. My son’s school seems to have multiple” parent things” every month. I wfh. And I’m lucky enough to have a fairly flexible job. So can nip to the school for these things.

there are other kids there every time, who’s wee faces are urgently scanning the room to see their parent: who can never come because they are working.

annoys me so much that the working parent does their bit for society and their poor kid misses out

It's also teachers not asking. Or hods abusing power. I'd be asking the next one in the chain if its right that your HoD should be refusing these. Especially if you've got a free period or sixth form you could set work or have a colleague happy to cover the lesson for you.
Most schools want parental involvement from the kids parents so but hypocritical if they dont allow their parnt staff to do so too, and good slt recognise that keeping staff happy helps staff retention.