To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

On the bright side, you will never have to attend a school play, which IME are universally shite.

Also ‘all the other mummies’ were not there, I can guarantee it.

I have to miss quite a lot, but do try and make up for it by doing things directly with them - I can’t come to X but we will go and do Y. It is disappointing sometimes, but not world end.

As others have said, lots of parents won't be there because they have work, other children, caring responsibilities or disabilities. Your daughter is not the only one who doesn't have a parent there, but she is incredibly lucky that she has you full time in all the breaks.

There's always something you can beat yourself up over as a mother - not working so not enough money and you wonder if you're a bad role model, work and you're not there when you'd like/want to be. You need to accept that you're doing your best and you can't give her a perfect life, as it's not a perfect world.

All that said, can her dad change his job so he's living at home and can go to some events?

I've just handed my notice in because I hate that my kids are growing up without a properly present mother. I kidded myself for years that I could juggle it all but it's just not working. You have my full empathy.

@Fjruejejrnrnrbbbbb222333 I left teaching after 15 years for this exact same reason. I now HLTA but that's gone to crap too so back to uni in September!

I got a job working nights so I can be present for my DC during the day (and avoid paying a king’s ransom for childcare). It’s not a “career”, I’m earning a third of what I used to and I’m exhausted, but it works. I was one of the children whose parents never came to my events and I don’t want that for mine.

Omg speak to your early years lead or SLT..

I'm an early years lead and reception teacher and have made it to most things!

Have your school said you can't?

I'm so sorry you're sad and I totally get it. Consider moving schools. I've worked in one like that before. My school now, though, lets me go to all my children's stuff and it's just lovely. The issue is with the school, not the job.

You're missing the point. OP wants to be there for her DD; for her child to see her Mum in the audience.
Of course it gets easier in secondary.
If you have different 1/2 terms OP you might be able to get to some events, though of course you'll have the challenge of needing childcare when you're back at work.
It's hard for all parents - working ones, SAH ones with children in different schools, ones with toddlers who they need to find childcare for.

I hope you can work it out with your school. I have 2 sisters who are teachers (ones a head) and they've certainly been to some of their own children's events during the day.

Not a teacher but wanted to say, from an objective 2024 perspective, your school’s policy is bonkers. I get there has to be balance and people can be off for this, that and the other. But it would be totally reasonable for people to be able to go to things a couple of times a year and make the time back. Absolutely archaic and bonkers. If you want people to work hard, stay loyal and put in the extra mile - then create a culture where they feel valued, have balance and wouldn’t want to leave (particularly if you can’t pay them properly). I’d do some research and approach your SLT directly with a proposal.

There’s no perfect you’re doing what you can
ask for another mum or more than one to film. Watch it together, with just your daughter so she feels prioritised.

maybe a club on a weekend when you can watch her? Might help?

best wishes
there is no right, standing back is it a what is she really saying? You can ask her.
Is it, don’t feel important to you?
yes days, or a half day where it’s just you and her, and she decides in some what will make her feel important to you. Lovebombing (it’s a book but probably there’s an article that says the principles) yes days. Google those.

mine stopped playing sport because I didn’t go see her (she hates sport so it is also the excuse she wanted) so we are working through that, not easy.

But it would be totally reasonable for people to be able to go to things a couple of times a year and make the time back.

How does a teacher make the time back? We can't, and that's half the problem. We have nothing to negotiate with. When we have time off there are no children in school to teach @Okaaaay

And this is yet another reason why there is a teacher recruitment and retention crisis!

Thank you everyone. I’m going to try and get some sleep now. Just finished marking and I’m just feeling all over the place. I keep imagining my DD looking around for me whilst all the parents are cheering their kids on! I know I need to stop this now, it’s partly my personality to keep going over stuff. Yes I did request today off but it was declined.

im exhausted with everything if I’m being honest. I’m so fed up. New day tomorrow so I’m gonna be positive! Goodnight everyone!

I was always allowed time off but had to arrange the cover (but I only worked part time).

Don’t underestimate the value of being around in the school holidays. I managed to get to most of my kids’ primary school events, but if I’d asked them to choose, they wouldn’t definitely have preferred to have me there throughout the holidays. Being a face in a crowd for a show did not compensate for days spent with a nanny while I worked for all but 2 weeks of the summer holidays.

Yes, absolutely that @UpsetMum155 . Your child will otherwise be having to spend the holidays in holiday clubs instead of with you. It really is a big bonus. So I'd keep that positive in your mind, and go to the SLT with your issues re not being treated in the same way as staff in other departments. Again, you potentially have an advantage that primary teachers usually do not. So it's not all bad.

My mum was a teacher from when I was a toddler. My Dad from teenage years ( and before that blue collar job with no time off for school stuff ).

Honestly, I didn’t bother. If I did when I was wee I don’t remember. Now and again my Grandad came to sports or whatever. Daytime concerts/prize givings ( am old!) I was happy. By secondary it was a bonus! I liked it, and enjoyed going home for some peace before they got back.

I did like them being around in the holidays , I expect simply because that was our norm. Something to think about. Circumstances have meant I have been around much more for school stuff than my folks were. I enjoyed it. But I genuinely think it made no difference to me growing up, and the benefits far outweighed any problems.

It's not fair you have to give up precious time with you child ehil spending it with everyone else's child.

Isn't there some sort of law for parental care, guaranteed days off, enshrined in law? I think you're allowed so many per year?

What did your union rep have to say?

I work FT and could always get time off for my kids shows & things. It's tough that you miss them.

I never got to hang out with my kids all summer though - always juggling not enough time off, & expensive school holiday childcare.

Swings & roundabouts.

It's tricky - the lack of flexibility for stuff like this was a big reason I work in healthcare not a school. There should be a solution.

My situation isn't as bad as I can go to some things, but I definitely just to juggle between me and do, gps, or I occasionally paid our wonderful childminder to attend so there was someone there to see them.

Perhaps mention you are thinking of leaving teaching due to the work/life imbalance.

If they realise how important this is to you you could perhaps negotiate so you could get to some of the primary things?

The ramifications of this are huge.

Not only could the OP be dismissed she could be struck off reading altogether. It’s technically fraud so turning up for an assembly at a different school would be very problematic. It doesn’t sound like the OP was going to but for anyone else, no, please don’t!

You could always have an appointment you can't miss if they won't let you go...or find another school that actually cares about the wellbeing of its staff; you can't get these precious early years back, as you know!

Change schools? Some allow time off for events

I know it must be difficult but cherish all the time in the holidays that others don't get.

What appointment would that be? You’d just be told to arrange it in your own time.