To feel sad I can never go to my child’s events?

[UpsetMum155]

Today I had to miss my daughter's first-ever class assembly because of work commitments. Being a teacher, I understand the importance of attendance, but it's heartbreaking to miss such precious moments.

Unfortunately, like many other professions, getting time off isn't possible, even medical appointments need to be changed to when there’s a holiday which isn’t always possible with the NHS. Balancing work and personal life is a constant struggle, and today it feels particularly tough. Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How do you cope with these moments when work demands clash with important family events? Are any of you teachers that do manage to get to your childrens events? Please feel free to PM if you don’t feel like sharing here!

This is my first and only child (cannot have any more) it feels really upsetting as she was asking where I was and “all other mummies were there”. DH works abroad so it’s always on me to attend these things. My DD is in reception class. Do I have a lifetime of this? I’m seriously considering leaving to do a more flexible job even supply but I won’t be able to afford it. I feel like such a bad mother.

I'm amazed by the number of teachers saying they are able to take time off for personal reasons. I worked in several secondary schools and it was always a blanket no.

I left teaching in 2018, is this a post-covid thing?

I'm a nurse and I worry about the same. I try to be there for what I can be there for but it is crap. I think about doing something else but the money for other jobs wouldn't be as good as it is now, and I need the money we get to pay the bills. It's hard.
My Mum was a nurse and I do not remember begrudging her for it though.

I’m amazed by headteachers who don’t allow any time off for events like this, primary at least. I bet they arrange events like this and invite parents in, and see the benefit of doing so. Yet they don’t think their own employees deserve to do that for their own kids? (Secondary is a bit different as I suspect they don’t arrange many events where parents are invited in during the day.) That said, in secondary I wonder if cover might be easier than in primary, with more senior leaders with reduced timetables and staff able to arrange swaps for non contact between themselves?

as I said before, schools are hitting a recruitment crisis, and staff workload, well-being and happiness are key reasons why teachers leave the profession. If giving someone a couple of hours off a couple of times a year makes a big difference to this, why wouldn’t you? Easier to cover a couple of hours than a full time role when they leave because they’re pissed off.

I’ve worked in 4 primaries in the last 12 years and every single one has allowed staff reasonable time off for things like this. I wouldn’t stick around at a school that didn’t.

Is there a grandparent, other family member or friend who could go and take pictures for you

Not all parents go. I have a fairly flexible job so went to most. I allow my staff to go to anything like that but they work flexi so it’s easy to approve. Can a grandparent / god-parent / family friend go? If possible I’d try and send someone but I know not always possible.

Mate, just phone in sick occasionally. Your HOD sounds like a right knob.

I was rarely able to go to school events. DD was definitely not the only one who didn't have a parent there each time. Luckily her school understood and would give them special jobs, such as taking grown ups to seats or standing at the door to welcome people. She loved it when our next door neighbour went to a Christmas play as others "only" had a parent there! Don't let your DD see your disappointment or she will be disappointed too.

I would just take a sick day and go attend. I did that a couple times in the past. Other mums also would get photos for me if I couldn’t go.

im a teacher and luckily this year all my kids attend the school I work at so will be easier to attend things

It is definitely not the case that all the other mummies were there! Lots work and don't want to use up valuable days of their 5 weeks of annual leave, which they need to cover the 15 weeks school holidays. Your child is lucky that they will have you for all those weeks! If you work you just have to accept you can't do all the school stuff.

I'm a secondary HOD. I've done cover myself or put classes together so that my team could attend their children's events. It's important.

I never went to a Sports Day ever but DD wasn't sporty anyway so wasn't bothered - I just asked other mums/the staff to cheer her on. I did get to a couple of nativities and the leaver's assembly. My mum, aunt and neighbour went a couple of times for me too.
I think you need to get your DH home. And start looking on TES.

My head is generally really good about this but there are a lot of events and I have two children. I always ask for sports day and any Christmas performances. Ours don't do class assemblies but to be honest, I highly doubt all the other mummies go to those! Yes it's easier in other professions in some ways... But my friends who have bookable annual leave for these types of things have used up most of it covering all the school holidays!

Haven’t RTFT only the first page, but I would look at moving schools. Some Heads are much more reasonable about things like this than others. My current Head let me start work an hour late recently, so that I could attend DS’s class assembly, and another teacher was allowed to attend her son’s Nativity. It makes sense to allow your staff to do these things because it earns you alot of goodwill - I will happily volunteer to help at things like the summer fayre and PTA Christmas discos in return.
Schools run on goodwill - lord knows we don’t have much money sloshing around these days - so it’s only fair to be reasonable about things like this if you’re then going to expect staff to help you out with other things. It’s give and take. I appreciate it might be different in secondary schools, I only have experience in primary.

and also, this will no doubt be frowned upon by some, but if it was really important to me, I’d call in sick.

I'm not a teacher but even though work offers flexibility I can't make everything.
I team up with the kids friends' parents so the children will always have someone to watch them and take photos. Or talk to them in class open morning etc. Not the same as going yourself but at least kids know who will be watching

It's never come through as unpaid.
I attended a funeral unpaid.

i used to send my retired parents. The children just wanted someone there. It didnt need to be me.

Oh Op, I totally get this and understand how you must feel. Not a teacher but worked an hours drive from school for many years (before wfh occasionally was ever a thing) and could never get time off for such things. (Unless I booked day off at least 6 weeks in advance - which was not practical or affordable. I’m a widow). I would always ask if there was a school recording. Sometimes there was snd we’d watch together later. I now work handy and pop out which makes a massive difference. Do you have a staff committtee - could time off to pop to school events be suggested there? Going part time is not an affordable solution and sending a friend or aunt is not the same to your child at all as we all know. Def request that school look to do after school events as much as poss as they get to ks2 and ask that they make videos / streams / or even pics available for those that can’t attend. So sorry you have had this to cope with xx

You get all the school holidays at home with her when loads of kids are stuck in holiday clubs they hate and don’t get anything like this amount of quality time. Missing some assembly she’ll forget in two days feels bad now but in the big scheme of things it’s not a big deal.

Not a teacher- but a child of one. I have no memory of thinking badly of my mum for not making it to every event (or any day time event really!). I do remember finding it so weird that other mummies didn’t have to be in work!!!! I also remember the long holidays and summers together. Don’t feel bad your daughter will learn. Send someone else if you can (grandparents etc) and ask to hear all about it with a special treat (her favourite tea or something) when she gets home.

Teachers are like hens teeth! I am sure that if you spoke with the head and indicated you were looking for something else they wouldn’t be long letting you slip out for a few hours. 😜

Honestly, I would move elsewhere. Having previously worked in a school like this, it was very demoralising when you are expected to go above and beyond yet you were unable to attend your own children's events. I now work in a different school and have been able to attend my DDs assemblies, nativities etc.

I'm a hod in secondary- our heads brilliant about this. I always try to go and we cover each other in the department so that we can get to important stuff

The head where I work says it would be very hypocritical not to at least try and accommodate when we ask parents to come here for events. They know the hours teachers put in and see it as a small gesture to help get the work life balance right.

@LorlieS no, secondary

I'm in a similar profession and it was near impossible to get time off for my kids. I missed every parents evening, stay and play, sports day etc until my child started school. Only thing I went to was my child's nursery leavers assembly and I was there swapped as a staff member. It feels like you're letting them down, they don't understand that you have to work. I can't tell you if it gets easier as they are older but honestly I don't think the work was worth it for everything I missed.

I am secondary and I cannot attend anything either. If it was really important to me, I'd take it unpaid. However, my mum could never attend anything when I was at school either, and I remember badgering her about it - now I just understand, she was trying to do her best.