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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
StickyGee · 07/02/2024 13:36

I dont think she should move schools. This is an upheaval for her. But her attitude isn't helping. Was she being shouted down a minute before they normally go? If she was rushing around getting ready and she's being asked to leave earlier in that moment it's going to cause a difference of opinion. But the no thanks and expectation, yeah that's not on. I think getting public transport for her final year or so of school is fine.

1987qwerty · 07/02/2024 13:39

You're the ones that changed things. Should have considered the impact fully.

ohdamnitjanet · 07/02/2024 13:39

No wonder she’s pissed off with you, deliberately giving her potentially 2 hours travelling every day. That’s a long journey home. Quite honestly I wouldn’t have moved so far from her school.

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:39

She was ready, she was just refusing to leave because she still had 1 minute to go.

we only shout up x are you ready to go in a minute and she literally barks back at you when a simple yes coming now would suffice!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 07/02/2024 13:41

You have uprooted her from her home and friends.
Cut her some slack

Maray1967 · 07/02/2024 13:42

I wouldn’t have moved house so far away unless absolutely essential eg new job in a new town. I think you’re almost bound to get repercussions from teens after doing this.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 07/02/2024 13:44

So, for you to satisfy yourself and live with your partner you moved miles from your daughter’s school and you’re cross at HER because she finds the whole thing too much?

Cool.

Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 13:44

Moving schools in year 10 really isn't advisable as your daughter might have change GCSEs, she'll miss content, they might have taught stuff in the wrong order etc.

So she really did need to stay where she was.

The journey back also sounds not great - bus to train and it taking an hour is a long journey.

Teens are not noted for their politeness, and to be honest given you moved to somewhere really difficult to get to her current school I don't think she should have to be grateful to you for getting her there; not fucking up her education is pretty minimal parenting level.

On the other hand, if she is regularly not ready when you/the lift needs to leave that is really infuriating and I would address that separately.

crampycrumpet · 07/02/2024 13:44

You're not BU and I don't know what advice you're hoping to find here but she's a teenager so take a deep breath and remember that teenagers can be tricky

If this is as bad as it gets with her, you're lucky

saoirse31 · 07/02/2024 13:45

Well given you put your and your dp relationship above her, that is above your child, in your actions I can see why she's angry tbh.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 07/02/2024 13:45

No teen is going to say thanks for giving them a lift to sxhool. they don’t want to be there most of them. Personally I go above and beyond to make sure that their journey from school is as short as possible so although they get the school
bus I pick them up from the bus stop otherwise they have a 20min walk and quite often have to be out the house 30 mins later for sports.

Wasbedeudetetdas · 07/02/2024 13:45

1987qwerty · 07/02/2024 13:39

You're the ones that changed things. Should have considered the impact fully.

Exactly this.
You've made her life harder but you expect her to thank you for it?

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2024 13:45

It sucks simply sit her down and say what you’ve said here.

you understand the upheaval and are happy to accommodate but the attitude has to end.

let her know after half term if the behaviour doesn’t pick up she’ll be coming home on public transport.

would it be quicker for her on a electric bike?

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

OP posts:
mightydolphin · 07/02/2024 13:46

You sound very self absorbed. It was selfish to move so far from your DD's school. I imagine her resentment is being expressed through her attitude. Respect is earnt.

Thementalloadisreal · 07/02/2024 13:47

If this is new behaviour / attitude - you don’t mention what she was like before you moved - it sounds like she’s not settled in the new home and pushing back against things being decided for her, out of her control.

MustBeNapTime · 07/02/2024 13:51

I think it's a bit tricky to be honest. How long were you with your partner before you moved in with him? Did she get any say in the matter or was it a fait accompli? She's probably feeling (understandably) disgruntled at being made to leave at a certain time or facing a long journey on public transport. How long was her journey previously?

She's in year10, which is a difficult year and then she's also at a hormonal age so there's all the normal stroppiness going on. I think you need to cut her some slack really. Plus I'm not sure she needs to be thanking you for taking her to school and as a rule I'm really strict about please and thank you's.

Octavia64 · 07/02/2024 13:52

Even if you and her dad were together it's not a good idea to move a child in year 10 or 11.

Most teens go through a stage of being rude. You can address that separately to the school issue.

I found the book

Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town

helpful.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 07/02/2024 13:52

She’s 14 so pushing boundaries and attitude is just what they do. It’s par for the course and you need to be the one who de-escalates situations, let the grumpiness roll off you and stay calm.

But this driving thing… you moved your kids in with a guy for you, not for them. You moved them away from their home and local area for you, not for them. They do not need to be thankful. They don’t need to like it at all. And giving her an hour commute there and back? No. You are entirely wrong. I hope you have apologised to doing this to her. The lift things is annoying and her attitude is annoying, but you have to take some of it because you did this to her and give it some times to see if she settles down. If she has been given a time to be ready for, then don’t make her leave before that time. It’s just causing a fight for nothing. Unless she has a habit of coming down late, stop calling her down early.

BogRollBOGOF · 07/02/2024 13:52

Being uprooted doesn't bring out the best in teenagers, and this move is a lot of upheaval and inconvenience to her. It's not surprising that she doesn't want to move schools at this stage of education/ social development.

Try and keep the confrontations down and show some understanding. Talking about attitude and behaviour is better afterwards when everyone has calmed down.
Be realistic, you're not going to get bountiful gratitude for giving her a lift to save a lot of inconvenience that your choices have caused compared to the previous situation.

helpnohelpno · 07/02/2024 13:53

Yeah I'm with everyone else, you created a shit situation . You have made her life significantly harder for zero benefits to her. She's now reliant on you guys for lifts which are only on your terms. And she's a teen with hormones all over the place.

I'd apologise for the threats this morning and maybe show some acknowledgment of how tough this must be for her.

Midnlghtrain · 07/02/2024 13:55

You shout up at her, she shouts down at you - sounds fair.

You've moved her away from her home and school, in with a new man (because you wanted to) and you're moaning about the school run and taking her to see friends? Teenagers often act out to display feelings they can't communicate, take note.

Floopani · 07/02/2024 13:55

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

Yes, I think these comments would still be fair if you and her dad were still together and you suddenly decided to move in her GCSE year and give her the choice of either a long public transport journey or having to travel on your partner's schedule. You could have waited until she was past GSCEs.

I say that as someone who moved an hour's drive away from my partner to facilitate my child going to a college they wanted to go to (absolutely right for their career plans). My DP and I picked up the travelling to see each other, knowing it was for the short term only.

Also, she is being a fourteen year old. You've got a few years yet until they realise they were arseholes for a while there. All part of parenting.

saoirse31 · 07/02/2024 13:55

Try and see what youve done to her life from her point of view. Its not all about you, really.

TeenLifeMum · 07/02/2024 13:56

What teen says “thank you” for taking them to school 😂😂😂

You’ve turned her world on its head and now she has to live with mum’s guy and get a bus/train home after school. I couldn’t be bothered with that either - I would drive her both ways. Speak to her about how you expect to be spoken to but threats to get the train in the morning seem out of proportion when you’ve put this on her.

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