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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Beezknees · 07/02/2024 21:14

Bythefireside · 07/02/2024 20:32

It’s really hard but your guilt at moving is making you over compensate. You created a safe lovely home for your daughter and made a decision you’re entitled to make. Now believe in yourself and stop putting up with her crap.

Have you read the thread? 😂

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almostthere75 · 07/02/2024 21:55

I found in year 7 DS wanted to be at school about 5/10 minutes before bell.
Year 8 10/15 minutes before bell and Year 9 35/40 minutes before the bell - it's much better going earlier, less traffic ,get there faster & using less petrol.

Stay calm and have a talk about the situation.
Maybe don't expect a Thank you for the lift but model the manners to her at every opportunity and hope she copies you!

Would it help to speak to the year head about her disliking school and pining for the absent friends etc?

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YourLocal · 07/02/2024 22:06

maybe you could do lift shares with a friend of hers like you drop them off and then after school she goes to their place or out then you pick your daughter up when you’re ready!

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 23:38

Bookworm1111 · 07/02/2024 20:28

You being a woman doesn't make it okay.

I'm not responsible for your foibles.

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Containerhome · 07/02/2024 23:47

You do realise op her upset and being unreasonable actually has nothing ti do with the drop off and pick up.

This is because she's not copy that a new man has come into her life and making decisions for her. And it probably feels for her that he is more important to you than her.

She's also a teen going through lots of changes, more so as she's a girl. Cut her some slack

If you had made the same choice with her father, yes it would be different, as that is her family unit.

You might love your dp. But doesn't mean she has to.

I'm saying this as an adult who as a child had my dad and then 2 step dad's. All where horrible, all left, and i had to deal with it all and we told how I felt was irrelevant. Just so you know, I left home at 18.

I know your situation probably wasn't as bad as mine. But she's a kid going through a lot of changes and feels the bottom of the pile.

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Flamme · 08/02/2024 00:42

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 19:55

MNHQ believe it is as I’ve seen loads deleted.
Trolling is when you search a MN and refer to past thread posts / info.

It is what it is, I don’t make up the rules, whether it’s relevant or not.

No, that isn't what trolling is. Check it out.

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Ohnoooooooo · 08/02/2024 04:26

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 15:25

This is my worry, she won’t grow out of it as it’s other people she is like this with too. Had to remind her to thank people at Christmas for the gifts she had been given. Buy her treats she never says thanks. Walks in the room and tells me in a rude tone how she needs deodorant, not mum next time you go the shop can you get me some deodorant please. Booked a holiday and told her we were going to Spain and her response was why can’t we go to Dubai. And that’s just a snapshot.

My son speaks like this - he is a very caring lad always telling me he loves me and asking me if I am OK - but he is just very blunt and literal. He is neurodiverse and for him it is part of this - he states things, asks questions in his mind without he regular small talk to deliver information without upsetting the other person.

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Str3bor · 08/02/2024 10:06

Thanks for all those messages providing advice. I picked DD up from school, she was actually in a nice mood so we had a chat on the journey home, I told her I was sorry for snapping at her and I will always take her and pick her up from school but if we shout it’s time to go you just need to say ok coming now and not give attitude. She just said ok and following the advice of a PP just told her about my day and she actually started talking back for once instead of yes no answers, she even came the shop with me instead of asking to being dropped off first. I do try to spend time with just her but realise I need to make a bit more effort and not take the teenage moods too seriously.

OP posts:
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anyolddinosaur · 08/02/2024 11:11

@allmyliesaretrue Clearly you believe your username - LMGTFU https://www.gov.uk/child-employment

Babysitters, car washing/grass cutting for neighbours, newspaper delivery service - just a few examples

OP glad it went well.

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ColesCorner7814 · 08/02/2024 17:43

saoirse31 · 07/02/2024 13:45

Well given you put your and your dp relationship above her, that is above your child, in your actions I can see why she's angry tbh.

This! The fact that you need to ask this speaks volumes. When new partners appear, the kids often get a raw deal - as if they’re in the way of the new relationship. You’ve moved her away from her friends and then are moaning about running her around.

She’s a teen. They often have bad attitudes when there’s no reason. She has good reason but just isn’t articulating it right. Have you sat down and spoken about it?

Have a bit of self-awareness about how your decisions have made her feel, different partner, new house, can’t just pop around to friends, isolation etc.

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ASimpleLampoon · 08/02/2024 17:48

Getting her to and from school is basic parenting and your responsibility.

You chose to move far away from her school otherwise she could get herself there.

Her attitude could be due to being a normal teen or could be because you've made it clear that it's your partner and not her thats your priority.

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Jarstastic · 08/02/2024 18:00

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 19:14

Not where I live.

I don't know where you live so can't comment. However, it may not be obvious to you. It may just not be on your radar.

It may not be obvious to everyone where I live. It's not like when we were on holiday in Devon and we saw very young runners front of house! The cafes/pubs don't advertise looking for the teens, and they mainly work in the kitchens out of sight. It's all perfectly legal. One of the cafes doesn't particularly like employing the younger ones as they have found them unreliable, but will give them a go if they know their parents.

Anyway that was a massive tangent. However, it certainly is possible for a 14-year old to work, they don't need an NI number and it's not that different to when I was that age and my friends worked in the florists, cafes etc for a few hours

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ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 08/02/2024 18:50

Great update OP. Well done!

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Filly1234 · 08/02/2024 19:39

Did you talk to her about the decision of moving and how this would affect her, including travel before you did so? I took a new job working more hours which impacted on my 15 year daughter and her travel to school, so before I took the job we discussed all the options and found a way forward together. It’s been hard for her to adapt, but 4 months in and it’s become easier, but then she understands that it’s something I did for us and our future. I don’t think she would of been as understanding if I moved house to live with my partner though.

All teenagers have moments of being entitled and ungrateful, some more than others, but I don’t think punishing her by making her find her own way home is the way forward. Have you actually tried to talk to her about her behaviour and the way she is being?

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Sootyb · 09/02/2024 06:52

I think you are being harsh, try to have some understanding on what is going on in a 14 year old girls head, its not easy, you have to set the example being calm

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Calamitousness · 09/02/2024 07:05

Sounds like a good day OP. I am glad she’s communicating with you. She sounds quite sad and angry. Teenagers have it tough, I remember being that age and I didn’t love it. Silence is ok too. Just keep telling her you love her and chatting. It does get better. I found 14 the hardest of the teenage years with my eldest. Yet to see what the younger ones will be. And keep taking her and picking her up. The move is on you so just accept this is your responsibility.

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user1492757084 · 09/02/2024 07:08

My teenager always said, "See Ya, Mum." and smiled.

It is not so much that she doesn't thank Op but that she is rude. Her rude attitude might become nicer as time goes on.
I hope so.
You are reasonable with the move. You are reasonable in driving her to school and to her friends sometimes on the weekends.
Remember to keep yourselves very polite and the ultimate in good example of how to behave. Your daughter should never feel like you don't approve of her choice to stay with her old school. Say some nice things about her decision. Tell her you are glad to have the driving time with her.
You be positive and she might become more positive.
It is only three more years so savour those years with your daughter.

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Mummybearto3bg · 09/02/2024 07:24

You're annoyed at the commuting for not getting a please or thank you....!
My mum and step dad did exactly the same to me at age 15. Moved us 20 minutes by car but it actually added on 1hr 30 before school and after school because transport was every hour. Look at it from your daughters point of view and I bet you'll start getting along and stsr receiving less shitty response from her. It doesn't become her responsibility to commute just because you've put all your ducks in a row and she's not seeing eye to eye

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Rottweilermummy · 09/02/2024 07:25

My late husband took our son to school one morning when he was about 12/13, but he did the ultimate sin and drove our son into the school grounds 😯🤣 (the usual drop off for parents was outside the school) My husband was shocked at our sons ungratefulness and language at him.
My point is, Don't be alarmed at behaviour and manners of your daughter, quite usual for teenagers , I am intrigued as to whether she was like this before you moved though, ,and how long is it since you moved? was she OK to start with? how was she when you discussed the move?
I'd be inclined to get her to make her own way home on one occasion , she may just appreciate you a bit more, plenty of children for lots of reasons have to make long or difficult journeys to and from school, though I would be happier to pick her up and take her regardless for safety reasons. It's a,shame she is being difficult towards your dad though, so am wondering if it is just typical teenage behaviour. Good luck

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DragonGypsyDoris · 09/02/2024 07:28

"She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her."
That's the root of the problem. You put your own needs and desires above established family life. She resents you and your new bloke. Blended families often don't work.

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Rottweilermummy · 09/02/2024 07:30

I have since read your update about your conversation with her in car am glad you had a good day and were able to talk, hope from that things are better now

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Slipstripsnfalls · 09/02/2024 07:35

Hello. The school journey isn't really that long, and it will be good for her to learn some independence but don't use it as punishment or suggest it when angry. I wouldn't suggest she does it every day. Perhaps once or twice a week and combine it with other freedoms as a signal that she's growing up. Or if it's safe, get her a bike/ebike and have her cycle. Start in the spring and by 16 she could have a little moped, which will help when she wants to learn to drive. She will appreciate being driven after cycling/using public transport, but she'll like being trusted and it's good preparation for the world of work.
Kids nowadays get everything on a plate. I have 3 sons. But there's a 20 year age gap between the oldest and youngest. I admit I do more for the youngest but I see how restricted he is compared to his brothers and I'm trying to let go for his sake. The temptation to drive him everywhere is strong because all parents do it these days, but I'm trying. We all should. It's better for them in the end. We end up with streetwise, appreciative kids. Don't feel bad about moving house. Life is full of ups and downs. Parents are not supposed to make their kids happy all the time. Our job is to love them, care for them and prepare them well for adulthood and all its difficulties. They need to build resilience Apologies if I broke any protocols. I've been a mum for 34 years, and at 56 years of age, I just found this site.

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Vettrianofan · 09/02/2024 07:37

themusingsofaninsomniac · 07/02/2024 19:53

🤣🤣🤣

Brilliant 😂😂

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stichguru · 09/02/2024 09:41

I think there should be some sort of consequence for her being late and making you late. Regardless of how far she travels to school and what mode of transport she uses, she will need to be ready to leave at a certain time so as not to be late - whether that's 5 mins or an hour before school starts, she needs this skill.

However refusing to give her a lift is a completely inappropriate punishment, unless you give her money for a taxi. The fact her mode of transport needs to be a lift is only the case because you CHOSE to bring about a situation where it needed to be. It would have been possible for you to choose to live nearer her school so she wasn't dependent on you for lifts, and if you didn't want the possibility of waiting around for a slow disorganised teenager, living where she could get to school independently should have been your choice.

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Dinkydo12 · 09/02/2024 10:24

Just who is the patent here? She is being a typical unreasonable teenager. So sorry just get her her train and bus seasonal tickets and let her get on with it. People blaming you for moving is ludicrous. People move all the time. Doesn't want to change wchool fine then catch train and bus. Stop pandering to her. She is the child until she is an adult then there are rules end of. Why do parents allow such bad behaviour.

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