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AIBU?

To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

310 replies

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:31

DD is 14 and in year 10. We moved in with my partner a year ago and as such we now live 20 mins away from her school (40 minute round trip) there is no direct public transport route. If she makes her own way home she has to get the school bus to to the train station and then get the train home, all in all it take her just over an hour but is doable.

Me and partner work it between us to take her, he sometimes drops her off in the morning on his way into work. Doing this she gets into school 10 minutes earlier than she would like to but my partner needs to get her in for this time so he is on time for work. I will take her when he is not and will usually try and pick her up and will work my day so that I can.

This morning she was refusing to leave because she still had ‘1 minute’ before the time they usually leave. This is after being shouted down and told that it’s time to go and getting bad attitude back from her. I lost my rag with her and told her she goes when she is told or she or she can get the train in the morning to school. She point blank refuses to do this.

when you take her or pick her up there is not a please or thank you from her, she doesn’t say a word in the car and trying to talk to her is hard work. The same goes when she wants to see her friend of a weekend she expects me to drop everything and pick her up and drop her off again not a please or thanks in sight or any sign of appreciation (they are also a 40 minute round trip away).

her brother goes to the local school so makes his own way whilst I pick her up, she refuses to move schools which is her choice and I appreciate at this stage in her school life it would be hard for her and disruptive. She also says it’s my own fault for moving house so I have to take her.

now whilst I don’t mind continuing with taking her in morning I am thinking would I be unreasonable to start making her get the bus/train home from school?

I am just starting to resent her attitude, she doesn’t appreciate anything we do for her and constantly moans about something, she has no manners and and just back chats constantly and I’m getting fed up of bending over backwards for her when she can’t even say please or thanks mum.

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1213 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
67%
You are NOT being unreasonable
33%
Beezknees · 07/02/2024 16:03

Grammarnut · 07/02/2024 15:57

One cannot live one's life around one's children, they have to adapt. Presumably she does know this man her mother loves, and resents it. The two adults must take a firm stand and treat the matter of the DD's annoyance in the same way. Not allow any playing off one against the other. And stick to it. Women are entitled to have a life apart from looking after children. That includes a partner if they want one.

Actually, I think when you decide to become a parent you should put your children's needs ahead of your own wants.

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:03

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 15:55

Many children move schools prior to GCSEs in order to get the subjects they want if unavailable at their current school.
Two of mine did
They made a whole new set of friends, kept their old friends and learnt how to get out their and make friends. It’s a little stressful but rewarding.
I have many friends who moved all over the world with their forces parents. Moving so much gave them the confidence to talk to strangers and easily make friends. I also changed schools due to parents sent abroad …..It’s not a bad thing at all.

Difference being, this child doesn't want to! She's already been made move much further from the school. Doesn't she get a say in anything?

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QueenBean22 · 07/02/2024 16:04

It was your decision to move this distance away. Whilst I think her attitude isn’t good nor is yours. Stop butting heads and come up with a solution that is in your CHILD’S best interests

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Janiie · 07/02/2024 16:04

Bookworm1111 · 07/02/2024 16:01

Yours is a blended family, isn't it, OP? Six kids between you. That's a lot of upheaval for your DD, moving in with another family. Maybe cut her some slack while she's getting used to such a huge adjustment.

This!

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:05

Str3bor · 07/02/2024 13:46

She will still get dropped off in the morning and I actually don’t mind picking her up but she has zero manners and is just rude, she is like this with everyone and I feel ashamed sometimes. My poor dad loves her and if we go to see that I end up arguing with her over making her go and say bye to him because she won’t.

we actually only live 20 mins drive away in a better area, if me and her dad were still together and decided we wanted to move to a better area would you still make these comments? She is the child and I am the adult making decisions. Her brother goes to a better school because of it and whilst she won’t move schools herself she gets dropped off and picked up every day and I accept that as the decision I made to move. However what I don’t accept is her rudeness and lack of manners and generally just treating us like Uber drivers that don’t get paid

Totally different scenario if you and her dad had moved together. Surely you can see that?

I'm not one bit surprised she's acting out. Take a look at your own behaviour.

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Allfur · 07/02/2024 16:05

Could she cycle

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Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:08

allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:03

Difference being, this child doesn't want to! She's already been made move much further from the school. Doesn't she get a say in anything?

Forces kids didn’t have a choice.
I don’t remember having one

It seems OP moving to be with her new partner has made her happier so in the long run this is better for her dd
She can move schools if she wants
She can stay at her old school if she wants and as she’s 14 she’s old enough to get there. The trains and buses are full of school kids. It’s really is quite normal.

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Ginandjuice57884 · 07/02/2024 16:08

If she's giving you shit for giving her a lift then make good on your threats and make her get the train/bus. Tough luck.

If you don't follow through then stop threatening it as it will fall on deaf ears and she'll learn that you don't mean what you say.

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anyolddinosaur · 07/02/2024 16:09

You should not expect thanks for taking her to and from school. It was your choice to move, important for her education and friendships to stay where she was and she needed continuity at a time of a difficult change.

Rudeness is normal for teenagers but that doesnt mean you shouldnt pull her up on things like thanking other people for gifts or she can have her choice of holiday when she can pay for it. Model politeness to her by explaining calmly why manners are important. You could refuse to ferry her around outside school unless she says than you. At 14 does she have an allowance she could use to buy her own deodorant, you could refuse to buy deodorant unless she says please when she asks.

She is just of an age where she can start earning some money for herself, when they start working they learn attitude will not be tolerated.

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 16:09

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:00

Absolutely agree @Grammarnut
as you earlier mentioned if we devote every waking hour, dream and ambition in our kids we will be left on the sofa with nothing other than waiting for them to ring.

No. You're making it extreme.

I'm a lone parent. I have a very active social life, more than my own teen! But when you choose to have children, you put their needs ahead of your wants. Your kids didn't ask to be born.

If I'd decided that I wanted to go out clubbing every night and leave DS with strangers when he was younger, that wouldn't be in his best interests. Neither is making your kids live with a man that they aren't related to, and moving them away from friends at a difficult age.

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Wonderfulstuff · 07/02/2024 16:10

Your DD has gone through a massive change in her life and it is possible that she is currently feeling anger and resentment for that change... not excusing rudeness but perhaps you could empathise a little with how she might be feeling?

How much choice was DD given in making this move? If she had said no what were the alternatives if any? In situations where we have little control it's not unusual to try an control other stuff/people. Again you book a holiday and expect her to be grateful... was she or your other DC part of that decision? How much time do you spend with DD that's 1 on 1 and not focused on the school/daily routine... might she be missing you a bit? I'd be trying to nurture that relationship and improve communications between the two of you Also is she under stress at school? Yr 10 ramps up the pressure if she's losing an hour each night to travel she might be struggling to keep up with school work which would also add to the volatile emotions.

As for the saying thank you thing... revert back to having a toddler and role model it.

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Janiie · 07/02/2024 16:12

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:08

Forces kids didn’t have a choice.
I don’t remember having one

It seems OP moving to be with her new partner has made her happier so in the long run this is better for her dd
She can move schools if she wants
She can stay at her old school if she wants and as she’s 14 she’s old enough to get there. The trains and buses are full of school kids. It’s really is quite normal.

Yep, forces kids don't have a choice., I don't know any who speak fondly about their childhood. Either bundled off into care/sent to boarding school or moved from pillar to post changing schools every 6mths. Many seem to have mh and relationship issues as adults.

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tillytown · 07/02/2024 16:13

Yabu for putting your need for a man over your childs happiness and education. If really wouldn't have been hard to wait until she was 16 to move. Other parents, regardless if they are still together or in other relationships, can do it, why couldn't you?
Also, have you not seen the abuse statistics of girls by unrelated males in their homes? Your partner may be the nicest person who ever walked the earth, but why would you chance it? I'll never understand women who ignore everything we all know just so they can be in a relationship

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chantelion · 07/02/2024 16:15

saoirse31 · 07/02/2024 13:45

Well given you put your and your dp relationship above her, that is above your child, in your actions I can see why she's angry tbh.

This. You don't even feel bad about it, and complaining on here about her!

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gingergiraffe · 07/02/2024 16:16

For goodness sake. Cut this mother some slack. OP you are the adult, the parent, and sometimes parents have to make difficult decisions for the long term benefit of the whole family. We made the decision to move two of our dcs schools because we believed it was the right choice for them. I can’t say they were over the moon about it at the time but now they are adults they can appreciate we did make the right decisions.

Similarly, you made the decision to move house for whatever reasons you felt were best for the family. You and your partner appear to be bending over backwards to lessen the impact of the move on your daughter but sadly, she seems to be making things as difficult as possible for you. I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to show you some support. Some appreciation from her wouldn’t go amiss. She is not the only one in the family and seriously needs to consider the others.

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chantelion · 07/02/2024 16:16

mightydolphin · 07/02/2024 13:46

You sound very self absorbed. It was selfish to move so far from your DD's school. I imagine her resentment is being expressed through her attitude. Respect is earnt.

I just can't believe the audacity of you op. You don't even see what you've done. Your daughter has clearly told you what the issue is and how she feels. Your reaction is to be angry with her??

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 16:18

gingergiraffe · 07/02/2024 16:16

For goodness sake. Cut this mother some slack. OP you are the adult, the parent, and sometimes parents have to make difficult decisions for the long term benefit of the whole family. We made the decision to move two of our dcs schools because we believed it was the right choice for them. I can’t say they were over the moon about it at the time but now they are adults they can appreciate we did make the right decisions.

Similarly, you made the decision to move house for whatever reasons you felt were best for the family. You and your partner appear to be bending over backwards to lessen the impact of the move on your daughter but sadly, she seems to be making things as difficult as possible for you. I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to show you some support. Some appreciation from her wouldn’t go amiss. She is not the only one in the family and seriously needs to consider the others.

How is blending SIX kids in everyone's best interests?

A "better area" doesn't mean a bloody thing to a teen. A home where they feel comfortable and being near friends does.

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:18

Prunesqualler · 07/02/2024 16:08

Forces kids didn’t have a choice.
I don’t remember having one

It seems OP moving to be with her new partner has made her happier so in the long run this is better for her dd
She can move schools if she wants
She can stay at her old school if she wants and as she’s 14 she’s old enough to get there. The trains and buses are full of school kids. It’s really is quite normal.

That's the choice your parents made for you!

I disagree. Her mother has made the school commute much longer, so why shouldn't she take her?

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Hoedownwho · 07/02/2024 16:18

Hmm. Could she be like any other 14 year old? I have to drive mine to college 5 days a week. Sometimes it takes an hour to even get there because of traffic and about 20 mins home again. They make their own way home of an afternoon but they're 17 so slightly different and the train is only 20 mins. They don't thank me. Often sit in silence also. It's a teenager thing and although they perhaps don't see it now (they certainly don't say it) they will one day look back and realise all I did for them. It's my job to look after my DC and make sure they get to and from school safely. It's a chore but I wouldn't let them struggle when they have no control over where we chose to live etc.

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QueenBean22 · 07/02/2024 16:18

Beezknees · 07/02/2024 16:09

No. You're making it extreme.

I'm a lone parent. I have a very active social life, more than my own teen! But when you choose to have children, you put their needs ahead of your wants. Your kids didn't ask to be born.

If I'd decided that I wanted to go out clubbing every night and leave DS with strangers when he was younger, that wouldn't be in his best interests. Neither is making your kids live with a man that they aren't related to, and moving them away from friends at a difficult age.

I agree @Beezknees.

You are being ridiculous @Prunesqualler who don’t have to devote EVERY hour to put your children first. And @Grammarnut how selfish are you?

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Beezknees · 07/02/2024 16:20

QueenBean22 · 07/02/2024 16:18

I agree @Beezknees.

You are being ridiculous @Prunesqualler who don’t have to devote EVERY hour to put your children first. And @Grammarnut how selfish are you?

Ridiculous isn't it. Whenever people say don't move your partner in, it's taken to mean you never have a social life or do anything outside your kids. If people think living with a partner is the only possible way to have a life outside kids they're seriously lacking in imagination!

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:20

gingergiraffe · 07/02/2024 16:16

For goodness sake. Cut this mother some slack. OP you are the adult, the parent, and sometimes parents have to make difficult decisions for the long term benefit of the whole family. We made the decision to move two of our dcs schools because we believed it was the right choice for them. I can’t say they were over the moon about it at the time but now they are adults they can appreciate we did make the right decisions.

Similarly, you made the decision to move house for whatever reasons you felt were best for the family. You and your partner appear to be bending over backwards to lessen the impact of the move on your daughter but sadly, she seems to be making things as difficult as possible for you. I don’t know what the answer is but I just wanted to show you some support. Some appreciation from her wouldn’t go amiss. She is not the only one in the family and seriously needs to consider the others.

And so they should be bending over backwards - for ALL of the children! OMG, SIX of them?! Jesus how would any teen want to live with all those kids they aren't related to?

HTF is that for the long-term benefit to anyone here bar possibly the OP and her partner? (and even that's questionable as these kids all grow up!)

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Mischance · 07/02/2024 16:22

Your thread title is: AIBU To not pick my 14 year old daughter up from school?

This sounds as though you are set on a collision course rather than truly looking at it from her point of view. Modelling listening and trying to understand her position and feelings will not turn her into a spoilt brat.

Her behaviour is part teen (when establishing oneself as a separate being with rights is paramount) and part the fact that she is angry with you for moving and causing an upheaval in her life. And that upheaval is not just physical - it is having to grasp the fact that your wish to be with your new partner takes precedence over her needs, as she sees it. Now I am not saying that you do not have the right to move in into a new life, but you do need to really try and understand it all from where your DD is - and she needs to know that you do if you are both to move forward.

She is upset and angry plus a massive hormone cocktail.

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PerfectTravelTote · 07/02/2024 16:23

It sounds like she's not on board with the new living arrangements so isn't going to make it easy for you.

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allmyliesaretrue · 07/02/2024 16:23

anyolddinosaur · 07/02/2024 16:09

You should not expect thanks for taking her to and from school. It was your choice to move, important for her education and friendships to stay where she was and she needed continuity at a time of a difficult change.

Rudeness is normal for teenagers but that doesnt mean you shouldnt pull her up on things like thanking other people for gifts or she can have her choice of holiday when she can pay for it. Model politeness to her by explaining calmly why manners are important. You could refuse to ferry her around outside school unless she says than you. At 14 does she have an allowance she could use to buy her own deodorant, you could refuse to buy deodorant unless she says please when she asks.

She is just of an age where she can start earning some money for herself, when they start working they learn attitude will not be tolerated.

And who exactly employs 14 year olds?! They can't work legitimately until they have their national insurance number!

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